Life's a little different when you have some greens rolling in the bank. That tension from your shoulders eases away and you can breathe a soft sigh and wipe a bit of financial worries from your plate - if at least for a while.
I do appreciate and acknowledge the meaning behind it all and there is certain level of happiness you receive from it. Only a certain level though.
I don't believe that it could ever really buy you true happiness. Sure, having a new pair of shoes (check out what I'm eyeing below!) can send you into bouts of ecstasy or even that new laptop. There is a certain amount of freedom that comes with it but I would be foolish to assume that this is IT and that it is forever.
At the end of the day, I'm still left with me and true peace and change really comes from within. I still collect vouchers and Buy-1-get-1-free coupons, I still look around for cheap bargains and I'm delighted to find a 50 cent coin in that tight corner pocket of your jeans. I really can't help it, it's ingrained within me. I'm one of those many people out there who've had to struggle and learn the value of money the hard way.
That is why I do not believe that I am lucky. Please refrain from saying such words to me - even if you are thinking it or if you are green with envy (no pun intended!).
I have bled so hard for the bling bling and precious time has been given up - I think I have paid out my dues.
So please remember me.. that I'm still that girl who's quite happy to be stomping around in her faded jeans and a casual top (ok ok.. maybe with Manolos on) and coveting that oh-so-yummy $4.95 blueberry cheese cake slice at Starbucks. 
I prayed as I walked into church today. I prayed and I felt a measure of calm wash over me - something that almost always happen whenever I'm there. There were no visions, no angels singing, none of that dramatic spiritual epiphanies. Just a feeling of peace. Something tight and hard in myself dissolved away and I took it as a good sign that I'm not completely condemned.
That maybe I might have a chance against the long road ahead.
But a part of me was skeptical. God doesn't always save someone. Often just helps you live through the loss (although you really don't feel like that when you're grieving).
I guess I don't entirely trust God. I never doubt Him or His existence, but his motives are just too beyond me. Through a thick dark glass.
And for once, at least in regards to that incident, I'd like to see through the damn glass clearly.
But despite all my doubts and annoyance, I really do miss going to church.
I just felt much too tainted to be there for a time.
Maybe I'm feeling less tainted. Maybe?
Or maybe I've just cracked and I'm back to hoping and praying.
Sometimes if you're lucky, someone comes into your life who'll take up a place in your heart that no one else can quite fill adequately, someone who's tighter than a twin, more with you than your own shadow and someone who gets deeper under your skin than your own blood and bones.
He gets deep under mine.
And I feel ready to finally rest on something that's so solid and real.
No A---, I've been thinking about what you said and I don't think I need to look into someone's eyes to see love or be in love. I feel loved right now despite the distance.
We're not perfect. What we have needs adjustment - we need to adjust to each other and really find our rhythm. Time will probably help us - combined with our effort.
I hope he is and becomes what I need him to be. And I hope that I am what he needs as well.
Until then, I'll be burning.
