Seeing past the green

Life's a little different when you have some greens rolling in the bank. That tension from your shoulders eases away and you can breathe a soft sigh and wipe a bit of financial worries from your plate - if at least for a while.
I do appreciate and acknowledge the meaning behind it all and there is certain level of happiness you receive from it. Only a certain level though.
I don't believe that it could ever really buy you true happiness. Sure, having a new pair of shoes (check out what I'm eyeing below!) can send you into bouts of ecstasy or even that new laptop. There is a certain amount of freedom that comes with it but I would be foolish to assume that this is IT and that it is forever.

At the end of the day, I'm still left with me and true peace and change really comes from within. I still collect vouchers and Buy-1-get-1-free coupons, I still look around for cheap bargains and I'm delighted to find a 50 cent coin in that tight corner pocket of your jeans. I really can't help it, it's ingrained within me. I'm one of those many people out there who've had to struggle and learn the value of money the hard way.
That is why I do not believe that I am lucky. Please refrain from saying such words to me - even if you are thinking it or if you are green with envy (no pun intended!).
I have bled so hard for the bling bling and precious time has been given up - I think I have paid out my dues.

So please remember me.. that I'm still that girl who's quite happy to be stomping around in her faded jeans and a casual top (ok ok.. maybe with Manolos on) and coveting that oh-so-yummy $4.95 blueberry cheese cake slice at Starbucks.

Home again?

I prayed as I walked into church today. I prayed and I felt a measure of calm wash over me - something that almost always happen whenever I'm there. There were no visions, no angels singing, none of that dramatic spiritual epiphanies. Just a feeling of peace. Something tight and hard in myself dissolved away and I took it as a good sign that I'm not completely condemned.
That maybe I might have a chance against the long road ahead.

But a part of me was skeptical. God doesn't always save someone. Often just helps you live through the loss (although you really don't feel like that when you're grieving).
I guess I don't entirely trust God. I never doubt Him or His existence, but his motives are just too beyond me. Through a thick dark glass.

And for once, at least in regards to that incident, I'd like to see through the damn glass clearly.

But despite all my doubts and annoyance, I really do miss going to church.
I just felt much too tainted to be there for a time.

Maybe I'm feeling less tainted. Maybe?
Or maybe I've just cracked and I'm back to hoping and praying.

Flamed

Sometimes if you're lucky, someone comes into your life who'll take up a place in your heart that no one else can quite fill adequately, someone who's tighter than a twin, more with you than your own shadow and someone who gets deeper under your skin than your own blood and bones.

He gets deep under mine.

And I feel ready to finally rest on something that's so solid and real.
No A---, I've been thinking about what you said and I don't think I need to look into someone's eyes to see love or be in love. I feel loved right now despite the distance.

We're not perfect. What we have needs adjustment - we need to adjust to each other and really find our rhythm. Time will probably help us - combined with our effort.

I hope he is and becomes what I need him to be. And I hope that I am what he needs as well.

Until then, I'll be burning.

And it goes "Thump Thump Thump"

Poop.


"But I want to go further than that. I want to be closer.. to you."

"No way will I ever bring my barriers down. I will never be so stupid."

"But there's something I keep longing for. Every damn day."

"If I get confused, I may never talk to you again. I can never give my heart out."

" That's the first thing I'm gonna do when I see you. "

"I would even kiss the cleaner - I don't have to like her - I just like kissing."

I have to figure out the truth from the lies. And I need to do it soon. Before it's too late..



Please don't play with me. Please. If you really mean what you say, you're gonna have to prove it to me.

Death and Dying

Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe the tears will come later.
Maybe in 3 months when I'm in Perth watching her wither away will I start to feel immensely.


For now.. I think I'll go for a mammogram. Just in case.

Ring Ring..

Oh Hi..

It's been a while, hey?
Yes I'm good. And yourself? Great!

*silence*

Voiceover: There was a time when I would have been thrilled to hear from you - I would have probably tried to engage you in a witty conversation (maybe flirt a little) and be eager to hear where you're at. Hmm. Not anymore though.
Well you see.. you had my heart at some point in time. But you broke it. More than broke it. You crushed it to dust. And I bled. I mourned and mourned for you until I thought I would just die from it. Yadda Yadda.
But I didn't die -Insert Name Here-, I got over you and moved on with my life (that was a while back in case you didn't know).
I kinda like who I am now and there's no going back for me. So if you're thinking differently, you're really wasting your time.

You missed me huh? Hmm. I wonder what I should have for dinner..
Listen I'm going out now so I'll catch you around? Okay. Bye!

Voiceover: You won't ever have me again. And what you won't have - what you tossed aside - would have nearly been the best thing in your life. And no that's not my ego talking and you know it don't ya? Which is probably why you keep playing these games. But I refuse to take the bait this time. I'm actually quite bored and uninterested - so, without sounding too bitchy, go find someone else.

Wham Bam.. Okay.. Then?

I hate surprises. Honestly, I do. Part of being a control freak I guess.
But I shouldn't complain. I have been wanting to know - and the truth comes with a price.
One minute, I'm stumbling around and fiddling with my damn backpack and the next I look up and see him right infront of me and the next... he just walks on by despite me waving- not batting an eyelash (I assume behind those sunnies).
And the world just stops; you just can't breathe and you just can't move.

And there are some truths and losses that that just slice you to bits and shatter your spirit.
But you'd still go on and you'd remake yourself.

I'm okay. I'm... okay.

Just do it

Please just give me an answer.

You're driving me crazy with your silence.
A thousand Nos would probably ache much less.

Please just do it already. Get it over and done with.

The longest 5 minutes

8.30pm.
I walked out today and stood by the letterbox.
By myself.




I survived.

I'm gonna do it again tomorrow.
And the next day.
And the next...
And the next......
Until I shake no more.

Priceless moments - Sydney escapade

Coogee Beach. Suze-ball. "You need to take deep breaths dar, you can't go out looking like this". Weird onions. Twelve perfect minutes of wind on the sea. La La La La La. Comfortable laps on the train. Bingeing on carrot sticks, chilli tuna, crackers and dip. The hug that squeezed the life back into me in the corridor. Gunilla and Doug. Tuna baked rice, meatloaf and sweet potato mash on my carpet. Being right on vapour-rub. Hand holding after a nightmare. Po Chai Pills. Coffee? freakout. Maggie the magpie and the bald dance instructor. Pancakes and stepping stones. Red noses, snorts, snores and coughs. 10.15 am heartattack and two loud fucks in the morning. Hugging, walking and shaking down THAT street in the rain. Champagne Toasts. Double hugs at the airport. Beckie's Boing boing curls and imitations of bug-eyed Kunna. The pilgrim walk and revelations. Dory's rampage. Boysenberry ice-cream and gross vegie chips. Holding hands with the two of them and walking without a care. "Meh". Blood Brothers. Singing the Pink Panther theme in the tunnel. Snuggling together with Shu in the morning. Being high on nasal spray. A good night's rest.

Enough... enough now.

I'm waiting in my room - waiting for the tears that refuse to come; for the overwhelming depression to take over but damn it it's not here. I'm confused - I expected things to go back the way it was.

They're still here.
Everytime I look at my floor - I think of them. And smile. Everytime I step into the kitchen, I chuckle.
They're still here.
--
I stepped out in the morning today - and I felt a little different.
I don't really know what's changed. And I don't really know how it happened. All I know is that I'm walking a little slower - looking around and breathing in the fresh air and sights. Pausing every now and then at a nice spot; contemplating on possible picnic locations.
It's really not so bad outside.

I don't really want to hide indoors anymore - not when there's plenty of beaches to laze around at. And museums to spend a day in. And horses to ride off into the wilderness with.
I don't believe in the goodness of humans (not most of them anyway) - but I've seen the beauty of nature and animals. And it's enough to want to sample it every day. It's enough to want to live. Just enough to want to pick up.
I'm not ready to move on; but I'm ready to walk again.


Just a little bit.

Looking inwards

I've been thinking about Macquarie's writing competition and I want desperately to write about something, something that burns - but I'm stumped.
I don't know what's important to me - I don't know what matters to me.
I don't know what's in my heart - I don't know if it's worth reading.

And I shudder to think that academics and great scholars will be joining this competition - no doubt they'd have some great spiel written, they'll produce great works of art. And I'll probably drown amidst the great sea of brilliance.
I am after all really really small.

It's not about winning though - okay not entirely. You know me. I love competitions. I can't quite resist.
I just feel I need to release some part of me - buried so deep.
There's at least one song within in each of us - I've just forgotten all of mine.

Someone please remind me.. what is mine? What is me?

I begin to dance just a little bit..

Okay.. so it seems like I'm about to have my break.. =)

Final interview.. I'm cool, calm and confident. Must exude confidence - must be perfect. I'm calm.
Very calm.
I'm a rock - very steady... WOOHOO!

*ahem* yes.. rock. Think of rocks Sera...

Bitter sweet ending..

I hate goodbyes. Never liked them.
But I've had to part with the one guy who's earned my respect - the one guy who's tried to protect me as much as he could..one who believed in me even though I never asked him to. It's hard.. knowing I can't turn to him anymore. Hard knowing I will never hear words of enouragement, advice, nods, epiphanies, genuine care and concern and plain old bugsiness.

I knew it would end someday.. I just wish I was a little bit better - more deserving of pride.

I wish I had someone like him in my life - patient till the very end. So here's to John *raises toast* I wish I could return the favour..

Pregnant Man??!

This is just plain weird..

I think I need a drink..


Pregnant Man!

Ermm.. crap.. I've won?

What in the world am I to do now?

I wasn't supposed to win damn it.. yea so I did read up on all the legislation acts and I did call the Australian Psychological Society just to be sure, and not to mention (in a fit of emotional outburst), I did complete an internal review form and sent an email to the manager but still!
I expected it to be difficult.. I expected to be denied!

Sometimes winning isn't all that fun.. oh poop. I don't think I even wanted to win in the first place (well not completely anyway), I'm beginning to realise that I just wanted to rant and rave..

Friday's going to be one hell of a day I tell you.

Rather be broken than afraid

"I'm hanging on to another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
I will be okay"

Loving Ponky

Why do you live? What is your reason? What is your reason for living? Is it your family or your spouse? Is that the right reason to keep breathing? What if they're dead and gone? What then? Is your reason to live gone as well?

I don't want to live for anyone. I want to live for me. Trouble is.. what is it that I'm living for?
It's a question only I can answer.. so I'm still thinking. And wondering.

I want to know the reason, the secret, the answer at the back of my head - the answer for the demons. I want to stop hurting.
The funny thing is that when someone you love so much is hurting and reaches out to you, you completely forget your own hurts (temporarily) and can't help but run to help. You can't help but love.
It's so much easier to fight for someone else than to fight yourself. And I really mean yourself.

Maybe it's reason enough to keep trying, maybe love will save me - in the sense that it will help me struggle through and find the answers on my own while I'm in this hell of mine.

Maybe love will save me. Just maybe.

Stabbing the inner demon named "Lie"

Dear Lie
You suck
You said you could fix anything
Instead I'm fucked
You made things even worse for me
If I had balls I'd tell you get away from me
Guess I'm not smart
I let you unnerve me
I let you control me
Afraid the truth will hurt me
When it's you that hurts me more

Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop putting words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me out of me

Dear Lie
You're dumb
You think you've got the best of me
You think you've won
Misread my vulnerablitity
I've got your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I've learned your art
Won't let you unnerve me
Won't let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies will hurt no
No more

Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop putting words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me out of me

"Dear Lie" - TLC

Watch Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0FpldM5g6I

My last one

To all of YOU: How can you give me so much, so so much and take away even more?
I guess time has given me my answer.

To all my readers - known and unknown - thank you for listening to this female pour out some of her soul. I hope life treats you better than it has for me.





Goodnight.