Home again?

I prayed as I walked into church today. I prayed and I felt a measure of calm wash over me - something that almost always happen whenever I'm there. There were no visions, no angels singing, none of that dramatic spiritual epiphanies. Just a feeling of peace. Something tight and hard in myself dissolved away and I took it as a good sign that I'm not completely condemned.
That maybe I might have a chance against the long road ahead.

But a part of me was skeptical. God doesn't always save someone. Often just helps you live through the loss (although you really don't feel like that when you're grieving).
I guess I don't entirely trust God. I never doubt Him or His existence, but his motives are just too beyond me. Through a thick dark glass.

And for once, at least in regards to that incident, I'd like to see through the damn glass clearly.

But despite all my doubts and annoyance, I really do miss going to church.
I just felt much too tainted to be there for a time.

Maybe I'm feeling less tainted. Maybe?
Or maybe I've just cracked and I'm back to hoping and praying.

Flamed

Sometimes if you're lucky, someone comes into your life who'll take up a place in your heart that no one else can quite fill adequately, someone who's tighter than a twin, more with you than your own shadow and someone who gets deeper under your skin than your own blood and bones.

He gets deep under mine.

And I feel ready to finally rest on something that's so solid and real.
No A---, I've been thinking about what you said and I don't think I need to look into someone's eyes to see love or be in love. I feel loved right now despite the distance.

We're not perfect. What we have needs adjustment - we need to adjust to each other and really find our rhythm. Time will probably help us - combined with our effort.

I hope he is and becomes what I need him to be. And I hope that I am what he needs as well.

Until then, I'll be burning.

And it goes "Thump Thump Thump"

Poop.


"But I want to go further than that. I want to be closer.. to you."

"No way will I ever bring my barriers down. I will never be so stupid."

"But there's something I keep longing for. Every damn day."

"If I get confused, I may never talk to you again. I can never give my heart out."

" That's the first thing I'm gonna do when I see you. "

"I would even kiss the cleaner - I don't have to like her - I just like kissing."

I have to figure out the truth from the lies. And I need to do it soon. Before it's too late..



Please don't play with me. Please. If you really mean what you say, you're gonna have to prove it to me.