Proof that I'm a babbling freak

Because sometimes you have something you need to say but you can't because the words won't come out or you get scared or you feel stupid, so, if you could write a song, and sing it, then you could say what you need to say and it would be beautiful and people would listen and you wouldn't make a complete idiot out of yourself, but, all of us can't be songwriters so some of us will never be able to say what we're thinking or what we want other people to know we're thinking so we'll never get the chance to make things right again, Ever.
So that's why I have a blog.


Or maybe I just am insane and I need an outlet for it.

Rawr!

I think I've lost the ability to write something even remotely worth reading.

I wish I didn't have a heart. I wish I didn't feel so much and so intensely over that. I'm terribly selfish. I'm feeling pain over someone else's happiness. How can that be? I should be happy for him.

The shadows grow darker and blur to solid black as I turn off the light each night and lose myself in sleep. I would sleep away these thoughts if I could, but they always return to haunt and mock me.

I'm feeling the gravity of it all. It's so heavy.

This pain. I know I have to ride it out. I hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just have to breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time, it can be managed but sometimes, it gets you where you least expect. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. I have to fight this through, you can't outrun it and life always makes more.


Why is it all the men in my life, from my father to my boyfriends to my crushes and people I like, never stick around? Why do they leave? Why do they turn out to be jerks and hurt me?

Taking a break from reading

1. What was your pet name for your last boy/girlfriend?
Never had one, a pet name I mean.

2. What kind of underwear do you think the person sitting next to you is wearing?
I'm alone and jeez.. I don’t think of such things!

3. Who is the last person you actually listened to?
My mom… she called me an hour ago to ask me to help her transfer her clothes from the washing machine to the dryer.

4. What is the last digit in your high school locker combination?
Never had a locker combination.

5. What is the next thing you think you will eat?
Oooh! I think I’ll eat my spring onion dip!

6. If you had to pick a crayon to eat, what color would it be and why?
purple - just to see what purple would taste like...

7. What's your favorite weather conditions?
about 10 degrees, partly cloudy, a little windy and low humidity

8. Who was the last person you told off and why?
Hmm.. that’d be Reuben.. my cousin.. he was very rude..

9. Chicken or Beef?
Chicken! (pok pok)

10. Favorite condiment?
Chilli! Oh and tartar! That’s two right… hmmm.. if I had to pick.. it’d be chilli

11. Last alcoholic beverage you drank?
Oh gosh... it's been so long since I've had one.. I’ve had wine though!

12. Last narcotic you ingested?
none

13. Ever get so drunk you ended up naked in a room full of people?
Hell no. Never.

15. Most attractive eye color?
Greenish blue..

16. Do men make passes at women who wear glasses?
Yeah why not? Some women look good in them. I don’t however.

17. What's the longest you were single?
Well… if you’re not counting the first 17 years of my life.. it’d be now.. it’s been close to 3 years.. and frankly I want to stay that way for another 3 years.

18. Favorite holiday?
Hmm.. i don't have one.

19. Favorite Fast Food?
Ahh! Tough one.. right now… it’d be kfc wicked wings! Yum..

20. Worst movie ever?
Out of Sight.. it’s so lame and boring..

21. Best conditions for getting drunk/high?
when alone and depressed or with a group of friends

22. What's the worst line you ever got shot down with?
Never tried

24. Hands or feet?
Hands

25. Cake or Ice Cream?
Ahh.. ice cream.. preferably chocolate! Of course..

26. If you were on a desert island with only your friends from friendster, how many would
you have sex with?
What? Uhm... none? Hello! Why is sex so important and so crucial for my survival?

27. What is the most likely reason you suddenly have to go into hiding?
Hmmm.. assassination attempt on somebody.. heh..

28. Are you more acrophobic (fear of heights), or claustrophobic (fear of confined spaces)?
Claustrophobic.

29. You’re alone outside at night. Is this soothing or frightening?
Well.. actually, I love to just walk around at night. There’s something really soothing and relaxing about it. But here in Hornsby, it’s a little frightening.

30. Hottest place to get pierced?
I don’t like piercings… they don’t appeal to me…

31. Favorite video game?
Dota! Warcraft..

32. Favorite fictional character?
Gandalf, for the moment

33. Favorite reality TV show?
Hmm.. I don’t really watch.. but I think The Biggest Loser is quite okay..

34. If you were starving would you eat your pet?
WHAT?!? Hell no - I'd eat the grass

35. AIM/MSN SN of someone you don't like?
uhm, no way

36. Favorite movie snack?
Oh! Salt and Vinegar Chips.. the crinkle cut ones..

37. Goats or sheep?
Sheeps are cuter…

38. Favorite mode of transportation?
Flying

39. What's the first thing you say when you wake up?
Some sort of grunt? Heh.. silly question..

40. How many schools have you gone to?
9 altogether.. includes others not only educational ones..

41. What's next to your left hand right now?
My squishy pillow

42. Big arena show or club show?
Club

43. Broadway play or sporting event?
Broadway.

44. Have you ever been fired?
No

45. Would you like go to space in the Space Shuttle?
Sort of, but I might be a little chicken..

46. Which foot do you kick with?
Right

47. Last movie you saw?
Harry Potter GOB.. sad case that one…

48. How many blankets do you sleep with?
Just one nice one..

49. Are you missing something right now?
Yeah.. quite a number of things.. but the most is my chilli crab!! Damn it…

I'll have fun when I want to, thanks.

It's almost as if she owns some chronological chart which tells you exactly how much fun you're allowed to have at every age.

Song of the moment

Imogen Heap The Walk

Inside out, Upside-down twisting beside myself
Stop that now,
‘Cause you and I were never meant to me
I think you’d better leave
It’s not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on

Alright then (alright then)
I can keep your number for a rainy day
That’s when its set,
No mistakes, no misbehaving
Ooh, I was doing so well
Can we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this,
so that makes it all your fault

Inside out,
Upside-down twisting beside myself
Stop that now,
You’re as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don’t make it harder than it already is
Mmm I feel a weakness coming on

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault

Big trouble, Loosing control
Primary resistance at a critical load
On the…on the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return, one second to go
No response on any level,
Red alert this vessel’s under siege
To a lower lever, systems failed, they’ve got control
There’s no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in, we’re ready to begin…Freeze… awake here forever,
I feel a weakness coming on

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah
No it’s not meant to be like this, it’s just what I don’t need
Why make me feel like this?It’s definitely all your fault

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault

Heh.. nice!

Your Eyes Should Be Hazel

Your eyes reflect: Intellect and sensuality What's hidden behind your eyes: Subtle manipulation

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Why do you hate me?

Subconsciously, I think my brother hates me. I don't know why. I honestly don't. It gets to me sometimes. No, he's not mean or anything... at least not directly. He'll make jokes about me being a hippo or being nosy or him "running" away from me. Somehow he manages to crack everyone up, even me, at his antics and nonsense.
But it hurts sometimes, because I know I try and deep down he doesn't really trust which I think is absurd because I've stood by him and supported (literally!) for quite a while now. The weird thing is that he's completely different with Sabbie. He doesn't "disturb" her.. in fact, most of the time they're on the same side. And she's picking up her mannerisms and behaviour from him, which is not so much of a comforting thought.
What am I doing wrong?
He reminds me of Darren.. or vice versa. Though I think Dominic is more witty and perhaps more matured, they're both fun to be with, you can't help but love them. But somehow, they always make you feel like something's wrong with you and somehow their words hurt you.
How is that possible?

Do you know the answer?

If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell or who can't taste??

Answer: Inability to smell is called "anosmia", Inability to taste is called "ageusia".

Painful wishes

I hope he's happy with his new-found relationship. It shocked me greatly, I admit. But I really hope he's happy. I wish him joy.

"I love you and that is my curse. But you don't know how to love- and that is yours."

Just a small thought

It's hard not to be tough, independent and self-reliant. It's the way I am.
But it's also good to know what when you're unable to be, all you have to do is just ask and a hand comes to you. Whether or not it can pull you up, it's still there... holding you.
Giving you comfort.

Taurum per cornua prehende

Take the bull by its horn.

Good to be back

It's good to be back in Sydney. I missed it.

The flight was a little bad, so much of turbulence. And I couldn't get to watch my movies and play my games!!
What a disaster.
But other than that, things were quite good. I was kinda struggling with my suitcase, hand luggage and my laptop.. but people went all out to help me. Heh. I even had the young cute pilot help me lift my suitcase from the belt. Hehehe.
I appreciate it. I was hating myself for being so feminine and weak, but there are a few perks to it.

On a sombre note, my email account was de-activated. And all my precious emails that I had kept for the past two years... gone... just like that. And there's nothing I can do about it. God.. I was so upset. I should have saved them or something. Most of them were my comfort and inspiration.
Jeez. Not a very good start to a new year. I seem to be getting bad news over and over. I'm not so much of a superstitious person but this is not a good sign.

I have to get back to my routine. I missed my gym workouts.. I always felt healthier when I was here. I've put on 2 kg! Crap. I really have to work out and achieve my target before school starts. Oh by the way, everything is confirmed and settled. I managed to work something out with my godma (thank god for her really).

I'm nervous.
I'll be starting next month.
I have the pre-school jitters. I don't know if I'll be able to make any friends. I'm not so worried about fitting in. I'm secure in my own skin, I just dread being lonely in school. I don't make good friends easily. Sure I can always put on a facade and be all-friendly but they'll only know me on the outside.
I would really like to make new meaningful friendships, like the ones I have with Beckie and Shu. But I shouldn't really compare right? Those took a long time and a lot of effort. Besides, I have trust issues. The past few days have been hectic (So what else is new huh?) I've moved.. again. Only this time, it's in a different country. I've also been running around getting things for my school, filling up so many forms and other stuff. Honestly, just to get an exemption for one particular module, you have to go through so much trouble. I don't quite fancy the system here. It's slow, tedious and some of it unnecessary.

Oh goodness. What am I going to do about my school. I'm kinda freaking out in the quiet way. Jeez. We'll just have to see what happens. Oh, I've made some new year resolutions. One of them includes me putting my studies and work above everything else. I just don't think I'll have the time and the capacity for anything else.

I also can't wait to study! Heh. I know it sounds weird but I've always loved it. I love plunging myself so deep into it, reading and researching every single thing I can on that topic. I plan not to stop studying. Like, even while working, I hope to doing my Phd part-time or taking up a new degree or something. It'd be so cool if I have like 5 degrees!! Haha. I know.. it sounds mad, but I just would like it some day in the future. I would like to be my own boss, build up something on my own, maybe my own company. I've got a few ideas that I'm toying with, nothing concrete but it's a start right? Meanwhile, I'm trying to grab every business and financial book I can find. I'm already 21, I have to start now. I made a promise to myself. I will never let anybody make me feel helpless, whether it's financially or emotionally. I want to be untouchable in that department.

Back to the scoreboard

It seems that there was a conflict of decisions by her parents. I was trying so hard to shrug it off and concentrate on the now. But I was so crushed and disappointed. I had actually believed that it was all over. I wasn't angry with her... I was just disappointed with the situation.
And it was so difficult trying to behave proper and smile and enjoy the conversation when my mind was a million miles away planning my next move.

Maybe I should have only celebrated and considered it over when I had it in my hand. But now the joy is gone and the sadness is back, the sadness that feels like something deserved, the price of some not-quite betrayal.

Oh well. I'll figure this out.

Yay.

Happy New Year.

Now normally I would make some resolutions.. but I'm too damn lazy to do so. I'm so sick of planning. Maybe I'll do so later.
Or maybe I'll just do the best I can in everything and see how things turn out.
Hope this year will be a better year for me.

It should. I'll be doing my degree and driver's license. :)