Saturday, May 13, 2006

The luxury of breathing

I apologise.

I’m sorry that when this avalanche called my life caved in, you were knocked down just because you happened to be there at the wrong time.
I’ll try next time to be a little more patient with you.
But recently, the world outside has raped and ravaged and left me for the flies and frankly, I’m too tired for self-preservation, too tired to be nice, to be proper, to be polite.

So if I leave you angry, hurt and confused, I apologise in advance.
It’s just that so many have sucked the marrow from my bones already. I’m hollowed.
I’m sorry.

You were sitting in class next to me, so quiet; so unlike you. You were so worried, so.. afraid.
But at this point, I don’t have enough leftover for someone to take another piece.
I know you’re trying to reach out to me. But I don’t want that. Please, I can’t handle that.
I only want your friendship, I’m so sorry I can’t give you more.

But I’m not all to blame. You tried to take it one step further, even after me telling you not to. You called me - too many times. I don’t like being pressured. I don’t like being crowded. I need my space.
You tried to control me. And that was your mistake.
You see, I’ve already dealt with a psychotic male (for far too long has he been in my life), I don’t want to go through that again. I know you’re not like him.
But your mannerisms triggered something deep within me. An instinct I can’t control. I snapped at you.
And now I’m standing in the ashes of the aftermath.

And no this is not an attempt to play on your sympathies.

I don’t like people telling me what to do and how I should be. Especially when they don’t know a single thing about me. Yes, you don’t.

On the surface, the waters are placid.
Every now and again, I’ll allow for the occasional ripple to rise. But these are really potential tidal waves carefully repressed.
At times I’m drowning, but never to the point of relinquishment.
You see that resilence (instigated by my father - and no he’s not a good person) resuscitates me. That and the warmth and love of a few close friends.

Then there’s this separate issue of almost single-handedly keeping things in order around the house. Of not letting any of us sink.
This madness continues and I barely have time (or maybe I’m just afraid to) to indulge myself, have a social life do whatever that’s normal.
No, this is definitely not what I signed up for.
This never-ending responsibility, an inherited burden that I couldn’t shake even if I tried. I wouldn’t be able to walk from, without feeling guilty for the rest of my life.

So here are my advanced derivatives:
I will never be able to tell all of this to you directly because it’s much too personal.
I will bounce back in my usual fashion. I know I will.
But also remember, this strong woman that’s got it all under control, is no less than the average human being, only capable to taking so much at one time. And on days like this, even the girl with her head screwed on straight needs to be able to make mistakes, needs to be able to not be polite and not always think about making the other person feel comfortable.
I just need to be reminded to breathe
Because not everyone, my dear friend,
Has this luxury.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Star light, Star bright

Starlight Star Bright
First Star I see tonight
If I may and if I might
Have the wish I wish tonight


“I look at myself in the mirrow this morning and I hardly recognise my eyes. They seem different somehow, I can’t place my finger on it.”

Econs test was a bit difficult. There were about 3 small questions I didn’t know. Sigh. I guess I can’t expect every single test to be like my accounts. (I think I’ll get full marks for it, I don’t mean to brag)

I had a weird dream, as always, last night. I dreamt of Uncle Eddie. He’s my mom’s brother and my favourite uncle. The closest male figure I had in my life; at least in some point of it.

I’ll tell you about the dream first before I ramble about him.

I dreamt he came down from singapore to see us and we were playing carrom board (and chess with my brother while I watched later on). We were having so much of fun, laughing away. Then it was night and he had to leave; apparently his flight was at night. I found it ridiculous, him staying for only one day and I kept protesting and pleading with him to stay. But he wouldn’t budge.
So I said, “Fine, I’m giving you a punishment then. You have to give me three kisses.”
He smiled and he did so. One on each cheek and one on the forehead.

Then I woke up.
I know, it seems like a simple dream but it brought me to tears when I woke up and felt the aftermath of it all.

We were very close to Uncle Eddie; me and my brother. Sabbie was too young. But he still doted on her anyway.
He taught my brother how to play chess. Which later became his passion, obssession, something he was so brilliant in, so much so that he surpassed his own master, way out.
He taught me to laugh (my childhood was a bit difficult, I'd forgotten how to for a while), taught me to be cheeky and other small things like playing board games such as carrom and monopoly.

He would always play tricks on us, especially during our birthdays; his “false presents” always got us fooled. His real presents were amazing. But it wasn’t his generousity that captured us, it was more of that bond that we shared. He would spend so much of time with us.

I remember the first time the “three kisses” came into play. It was my birthday and he wouldn’t give me my present until I gave him three kisses, one on each cheek and one on the forehead. I did so willingly, of course I also remember feeling a bit awkward because I wasn’t used to affection and especially with a “male”.
It became a custom, stretched further.
Everytime he had to leave, I’d demand he give me three kisses first, or else I’d hide the keys. He never protested, in fact we laughed about it; it was our own little “language” or own little “secret”.

But then, he stopped coming; mainly because of family politics. Vicious and jealous aunts (there are a few in the family; my mom’s sisters) would comment that he’s neglecting his other nephews and nieces and that he’s favouring us. I guess it affected him badly because he stopped coming to everybody’s houses after that.
I know I was so hurt and angry. I missed him, and I know my brother did as well. I was furious with my aunts and even more so with him. That he neglected and threw away what could have been the most precious relationship I could have had. I guess I got over it; but I was never quite the same.

He “disappeared for 5 years” until last year december when my mom was doing her major surgery. He visited her. Seeing him was nostalgic; such a stranger but oh so familiar. It seemed like a lifetime ago as well as a second ago.
He still wears the same cologne. Even after so long. I was so pleased (it actually ached) that I remembered the smell.

It’s weird how I dreamt of him.

I wish he didn’t disappear, that there was no gap. I wish I had time to catch up with him; to make him part of my life again; to be as we used to be.

There was a time when I would wish upon a star.