Friday, April 29, 2005

Shots and Shorts

The purpose of reaction is simply to "react", you don't stop to think or explain anything. You just do it (no pun intended for the Nike advertisment). The consequence? Confusion to your friends and Embarrassment to yourself to a certain degree; that's what happens when you run around in your mini shorts and a turtle t-shirt which screams "My door is always open, so feel free to leave", as in literally, without so much as an explanation.

My grandma is better. But it's so hard to watch her slipping away slowly. You just want to scream, but I can't even do that (not until I'm alone). I'm the only one here who can handle things, without going berserk so I have to remain this way. We can't all fall apart at the same time. It's been like this ever since that day. The day when I had to take charge, because everyone around me could not. It should not have been that way though, children should not have to see their parents quarrel or fight or worse, get dragged into it. I had to spend my childhood cleaning up the mess my parents made. It's not fair, but it's the way it is. (If I ever get married, I'll make a mental note not to do that though)
I'm sick, but wishing and hoping that some people were not the way they are, isn't going to change anything. Now, I'm not grateful; I appreciate the fact that my parents have put a roof over my head, clothed, fed and educated me. But it stops there.

I hate that she finds it amusing and asks "So, did you cook for your family today or do your grocery shopping?" What the hell do you know about me? I doubt that you'd be able to do half the things I have, is that why you just sit around doing nothing and being nothing? You should be ashamed of yourself, I've lived so many lives and I'm not even 21. What can you say about yourself?

Speaking of 21, I can't wait for my 21st birthday! I doubt I'll be doing anything special or there'll be any big difference to my life... seeing as how I'll be away from everyone I would want to be with but yeah it's something I've been looking forward to. (which is weird isn't it? Why do I look forward to something which wouldn't make much difference in my life?)

Oh, did I tell you? I'm going to go for this Thai cooking course where the speciality is the Red Ruby and Pandan Wrapped Chicken.. sounds good huh? I would like to cook for my friends someday.. :)
Till then, I'm still here.

Heaven holds a sense of wonder And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up when the flame in me subsides

Passion chokes the flower Till she cries no more Possessing all the energy Yet hungry still for more each hour

Cause I've relied on my illusions To keep me warm at night But I am denied in my capacity to love visions I am willing to give up this fight

Monday, April 25, 2005

Uryale: The Burning One

Another week has gone by and it seems as though God is dragging my life sufferingly slow.

I have so much of time on my hands and I seem to wasting it, but on a good note. My sketches are coming on great. I cannot wait to start painting! And of course show it off.. heh.

Things I want to do (or am waiting for) right now

1. Start my University double degree
2. Continue my aikido training
3. True love, the real deal
4. Start my driving license
5. My own puppy

Everytime I look at my friends and family around me, they seem to be doing or having the things I want so much. I know I should be happy for them, but I can't help sometimes but feel that I've been cheated and to a certain extent, jealous.
Sabrina just resumed her aikido training in Sydney. I wish her all the best and I'm happy for her. But at the same time, I wish that I could have been there to join her and we could be partners again.
But ya know, I should just get a grip on myself don't ya think? I keep thinking about me me me, what I want or need or am about. So yes, I shall force myself to endure and be patient. I should not be so self-centred.


According to The Law of Self-fulfilling Prophecy, people respond the way you expect them to respond. You get what you expect.
The thing I just don't get is, when you have expectations of someone, you treat them according to your expectations of them. How you treat the causes them to act according to your expectations right? And when they do, of course you think you were right all along from the start.
But what if you truly expect someone to behave a certain way, and that person behave the complete opposite, what then? Does the theory still apply?
And what if externally you expect someone to behave a certain way, but internally you hope that you're wrong and they prove otherwise, does the theory apply? Do you get what you expect, even if you're hoping not to?

And how can you not expect someone to behave in a certain way, when after all, you follow your own personal experiences to guide you?
Isn't it a natural process and unavoidable?
But when habits or views are learned early in life, how do you change them, even if they're wrong. I mean you wouldn't know if your views are truly correct or wrong? How do we identify these false assumptions?
We should, shouldn't we? After all, they direct our lives quite significantly.

Maybe I need psychotherapy, to help me identify underlying issues and grow as a person. Shrink anyone?
But on a lighter note, I made someone proud of me. Someone whom I value, trust and love inexplicably. I'm so proud that she thinks I have morphed into a " beautiful butterfly".
Which made me realise a few things about myself. I sometimes need to be appreciated, loved (and know that I'm loved) and have someone be proud of me.

My mother isn't someone who lavishes praise on me, in fact, I can hardly remember a single one from her. Living with constant criticisms, have made me always crticial of myself and of others. I have lived my whole life proving my worth to others and most importantly myself. Which is ridiculous really.
But what can I say? Shit happens sometimes and it's up to us to clean up the mess. I am who I am and I shouldn't have to change or keep proving myself to you that I am worth your acknowledgment and praise.

I think love is truly healing, it takes off so much of pressure and burden off you. I'm so appreciative of the people whom I love and loves me just the way I am. You find that 'Hey! You still you anyway!" and you change naturally and become a better person.
We spend so much of our time commenting on others that we never stop and compliment someone (and of course truly mean it).

Whoever said love is blind, did not know what he/she was talking about. It opens your eyes up to a lot of things you would not normally see; flaws included. You realise that they're not perfect; but in their imperfections, they are perfect.
Recognising their annoying traits that you dislike, and yet love them just the same.

Everytime we see something good in a person, we should say it out loud and let them hear it. It makes a lot of difference! You should try it. You'll feel good about yourself too.

And it's funny how at the start of this blog I was feeling frustrated and restless and now I'm feeling all warm, loving and.. well loved.

I guess I'll be sleeping with a smile on my face tonight.
Good Night!

My name in Elvish is Uryale; meaning "burning one". I love that it describes the person that I am now.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


Yes yes. I've been lazy. Lazy to think and sort out what I feel, lazy to write or do anything. Do you know that I actually draft out what I think first before I post?

I have so many thoughts about so many things that I have to sort them out for my benefit as well as yours. You'd probably not be able to follow my train of thought if I just typed without editing and rephrasing it. Maybe because you don't know me.

But today's entry is different. I'm going to type whatever I feel, I need to.

I have so much of life, energy and love inside me. I channel it by showering my loved ones with attention, affection and compliments, plunging into exercise, trying to work it all out.
People are always complimenting me about the "zest" I have inside me, how they envy me, how they wish they had it.
It's not that great, you know. It's hurts sometimes to have too much intensity within you, there's no way you can release it. You don't want to feel so deeply, crazily and intensely about life itself! I feel as though it's building up in me, and I'm about to explode.

People sometimes yearn for others to understand them, that sometimes they forget about the person they're talking to. They pour everything out on them, they forget to ask.
Why is people want you for what they think they see, instead of what they do not see? Why can't they want to see what they're not seeing?
Am I crazy for wanting you to want me? Don't you know that I'm waiting for a chance and a reason to let you in?

Don't you want to know the way I "nestle" about in my bed, trying to find the perfect position in my pillows to snuggle sleepily in?
Don't you want to know how I like my eggs? Crispy, Totally cooked fried with onions and pepper with a dash of chilli sauce?
Don't you want to know the way I shake my goofy butt, being completely retarded, yet always managing to make my sister smile and laugh?
Don't you want to know it looks like when I pout my lips and make silly faces without even realising it, when I'm utterly bored?
Don't want to know how I look like when I'm so crazy for you? How I'm hyper and giggly and dreamy and how my smile always gives it away?

Don't you want to know me?

Because I want to know you so bad...

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Age of Loneliness

I'm painting a picture now to depict the poem I wrote below.. I hope to able to share it someday with my closest friends and family.
I don't plan on being an artist or write a book or anything mainly for two reasons. One, I'm not sure I have what it takes, there are so many talented and gifted people out there in this trade. Two, I wouldn't want my passion or hobby to become a chore or a means of survival. I would not want to lose my "new-found passion" because of something so trivial.
It hurt greatly to have lost my passion for singing. I had something good and now, I don't think I could ever listen to an accapella song without feeling a deep sense of loss.

But anyway, here's to a new sense of purpose and direction! Let's see where this takes me.

Glimpse into my eyes, many tears and frustrations
Read between the lines, no words just vibrations
Don't ignore my hidden desires
Pay attention now, you're playing with my fire
Silence must be heard, noise should be observed
But don't turn away, it's easy to forget who we are

Try to find me, maybe this time
Insecurities keep growing, wasted energies are flowing
People talk too much for what they have to say
Anger, pain and sadness beckon, panic sets in in a second
Words without a meaning, just fading away
Be aware it's just in my mind, And you can stop it anytime

Dive in if you want know the way I feel
Then you can be the remedy
Can you escape my demons
And I can be the enemy
For the price of a kiss so deep
While you push and prod and think you're going to bruise this girl
You'll wonder where you found, This hippy, trippy girl
All I am is exhausted by the bitterness
Made your way, I will be your comfort inside

Silence has the right to be heard


Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Questions, Questions

Favourite Genre Of Music: I listen to most of the genres of music from Hip Hop R&B to Pop to Alternative Rock or even Jazz (I'm new to this one though). I don't think I have a favourite genre, mainly because the songs I listen to reflect my mood as well as my character and attitude at that point in time. So just as how the walls within me are constantly changing, so does my music.
The one main thing I like about my music is that it has to be sensual, reflective and never crude or vulgar. Anything that either I can relate to, or just move to the beat.

Least Favourite Genre of Music: It has to be hands down Metal, of any sort. Especially the hard type. Just listening to 5 seconds of it gives me a headache. It find it too noisy and destructive.

What's on your Playlist right now? Okay, for the moment these are the songs I'm into.
Mario - Let me Love you; Nelly feat Tim Mcgraw - Over and Over Again;
Frankie J feat Baby Bash - Obssession; Sarah McLachlan - Stupid
Gavin DeGraw - I don't want to be; Jem - Maybe I'm amazed
Dandy Warhols - We Used to Be Friends; Turin Brakes - Rain City
The Album Leaf - Eastern Glow

What 5 songs I would bring if I'm stuck on a desert island: Oh boy, this is tough. Goo Goo Dolls - Here is Gone/Iris; Sarah McLaclan - Fallen; Beyonce - Crazy In Love, All Saints - Black Coffee

Sexiest Song: No! This is so difficult... okay... at the moment it would be Nelly Feat Chrisina - Tilt your head back.
But just so that you know.. what I find sexy is flirty and sensual music or sensual repartee between a man and a woman... with plenty of female attitude... my few favourites would be Beyonce - Baby Boy, Misteeq - One night stand, Scandalous, Britney Spears - Toxic, yeah you get the idea..Micheal Buble - I won't dance

What's the song that always makes me cry? Nada Surf - If you leave
I find that the attitude and lyrics in the song are so poignant. Coming to terms with losing someone.. gosh I'm going to cry now...

Monday, April 11, 2005

Hot Date with Warm Chocolate

Yes, I went out on a date. A very meaningful, special one. But it wasn't with a guy, but does it really matter? I had a good time. It would have been the near perfect date, had it been with a guy though.

She looked good, as always. She's always having that glow about her.
It started out with her "dismay" at me not giving her flowers, because technically I asked her out. It was funny though. We came across an interviewer at the station but what really surprised me were the words that came out of my mouth next.
"We're actually on a date, so if you'd excuse me..." smiles innocently and drags her away from him. The looks on his and her faces were priceless! I don't know... just thought I'd have a bit of fun I guess.
Dinner was good, romantic and fulfilling; dessert (a rich, warm chocolate fudge cake, presentation was very sexy) was amazing. We had a really good talk, and in a way, I guess true friendships are a bit like rich warm chocolate fudge cake, at least for me.

You always have space for that particular dessert no matter how full you are, and each time you taste it, you discover something new and wonder how you could have missed it. It's a need and a want at the same time, and just the thought of chocolate makes you feel all good and "tingly" inside.

I need chocolate in my life, I want it. And I also yearn for that special someone.. and I hope to god that I have not yet met that person... because I'd be really disappointed if I had. I'm not able to have that person.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Tests about me!

On a lighter note, I did a few tests. *grins*
What do you think? I'm such an angel right? *laughs*
Main Type
Overall Self
Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism78%
Type 2Helpfulness74%
Type 3Image Focus50%
Type 4Hypersensitivity46%
Type 5Detachment34%
Type 6Anxiety66%
Type 7Adventurousness66%
Type 8Aggressiveness58%
Type 9Calmness54%
Your main type is 1
Your variant is social
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
Seraphina, your confidence level is high

As a result, you may tend view yourself as a wonderful, lucky, or energized person. However you probably also have your days when you don't feel so hot. After all, you're only human. Because of your usual high level of self-acceptance and belief in yourself, you're generally open and accepting of others. People who come in contact with you likely appreciate this generous nature and may seek out your company. Your artistic ability seems to be the trait that you most value in yourself of the five main traits that affect confidence. You also seem to appreciate this characteristic in others.
Seraphina, The Boy Next Door is the man of your dreams

The guy next door can be a lot more than the kid who played a great game of tag and buried you in snowballs. He can be the man of your dreams. A laidback and fun girl like you doesn't need a glass slipper or fancy jewels — you just want a guy who knows how to have a good time and has a handle on what's important.
You're the kind of girl who wants to marry her best friend, so you might not have to look far for the perfect guy for you. Whoever said you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince wasn't talking about you. Tag — you're it!
Seraphina, your theme song is Walking On Sunshine!

Your upbeat approach to life makes "Walking on Sunshine" the perfect anthem for you. We can see you dancing down the vegetable isle with your grocery cart, smiling at all the checkout clerks. We sure hope you've had your Wheaties to keep up with your perky pace all day long. This happy, horn-driven tune carries you to work every day. And even in those brief lapses when you're not fully on your game, "Walking On Sunshine" seems to put things in perspective and get you back to your super groove. "And don't it feel good?" Who cares that this tune was a one-hit wonder for Katrina and the Waves? Even that quality matches your one-of-a-kindness. You're walkin' on sunshine and spreading it wherever you go.
Seraphina, you are Left-brained

Most left-brained people like you feel at ease in situations requiring verbal ability, attention to detail, and linear, analytical ability. Whether you know it or not, you are a much stronger written communicator than many, able to get your ideas across better than others. It's also likely that you are methodical and efficient at many things that you do. You could also be good at math, particularly algebra, which is based on very strict rules that make sense to your logical mind.
Seraphina, you're an Angel!

Just like the haloed and winged guardians of good, you truly have a heart of gold, sweet Angel. Whenever there's a chance to pitch in, save the day or just make life easier for the people around you, you're the one for the job.You don't just jump in without planning — you use your angelic head to figure out how to do things right the first time, like only the most dependable goddesses can.
Whether brainstorming a new solution to a problem, planning a surprise party for your parents, or lending your friends a wing to cry on, you've got the right instincts, so follow them whenever you can. As natural as it is for you to take care of the people around you, don't forget to treat yourself right, too.
The best friendships, and loves, of a lifetime tend to blossom when you become your own guardian angel. So don't listen to those who say nice girls finish last. People have always seen you as a goddess of thoughtfulness and good intentions, and it hasn't slowed you down a bit. All in all, Angel, you've got it made with your glowing attitude and ability to see from on high. So get out there and change the world!

Cockroach Versus Me

I'm into quotes and poems. Again.

It's funny how I was very appreciative of them in my secondary school days when I was doing literature. However, once I got into Polytechnic, that thirsty side of me was kept away and I decided to get down to the basics of Accounts.
In a weird way, delving and concentrating on this new found subject actually changed my perspective and problem-solving skills a little.

Like for example, I would categorise every single subject in my life into little "boxes" where I could analyse and peruse through at any given time or when necessary. But certain things especially people do not work that way; good=good and bad=bad. These formulas are not true.

Am I making sense or have you lost my train of thought? Bear with me, I hope I can make you understand.

Anyway, I'm beginning to think that a part of life is somewhat like a teacher. Strict, harsh, knowing yet full of good intentions.
I came across three quotes today :

"Always do what you are afraid to do."
—Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."
—James Baldwin

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one."
—Ellen Hubbard

Later, I was faced with one of my fears, THE COCKROACH. You should have seen me, it was as though both of us were looking at each other, ready to go to battle.
Now, in the past, I would have been running away by now, screaming and getting all "icky" about the damn thing.
Recently, I've controlled myself to just walking away, not screaming but still feeling "icky".


He blocked the door and turned to face me. Holding me by my shoulders he said "You should face your own fears and beat it." His eyes were so kind... and showed so much strength...

We were in her bedroom, just the two of us. And for the first time, she initiated the hug holding me so long, it felt like an eternity come and gone.
For Sera, Because she has tamed me.

This time I promise to be closer if you fall. It'll always be sacred. Like how my friendship with you will always be sacred. I'll be here for you.

He stroked my cheek, "I will always love you. I'm sorry I was not the one, I wish I was, I would have been the luckiest person in the world, but I know I'm not."

I was so sick, I nearly fainted. She let me rest on her shoulder. For the first time, without tickling or pushing me away.


Today, I did something else. I grabbed the broom next to me, screaming and chasing it, whacking it as much as I could. The cockroach for the first time ran from me! It scrambled out of the house and I actually ran after it muttering "Not this time, not this time!" One of my neighbours, a realtively cute guy, actually saw me. I was not even embarrassed, instead I shrugged at him saying "Cockroaches" and walked away.
Haha! Now that I think about it.... I am actually a hyper, over-emotional and dramatic female.

But I'm proud of myself. I conquered the cockroach. And I don't even feel "icky" about it.

Maybe that's why I kept facing the same horrid things, over and over again. I need to pass the test before a new one is brought to me.
Which means this is just a step, I need get rid of the cancer (it's become real fat) eating away at me, and vanquish the monster haunting me. I'm not ready now though.

But I will be.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Through the Veil

I woke up this morning to hear that our Holy Father Pope John Paul II left this world. It was weird. I felt as though time had slowed down. It rained heavily between 3pm to 4pm, but unlike any other day, it was as if you could hear the cry in the wind and taste the bitterness in the rain. But it was such sweetness and reflief to have such bitter taste wash over me as I stood outside, drenched.

Or perhaps it was just a reflection of me and my own feeling.

The fact that I don't know this man personally is what affects me most. I actually mourn for someone I love but have not met. Somehow, I feel a deep sense of loss. I can't explain why. Maybe it's because we have lost a good and pure person, someone who was the epitome of peace and love. There are hardly many good people here. But I have to believe that they are others out there who are just like him, only unknown. If not, why else are we living? What is the point when there's no more good in the world?

Which lead me to think about death. Something which I am afraid to think too much of. So I will not dwell too much on it.

When we're stripped of all our worldly possessions and all our fame, family, friends, we all face death alone. But it's that solitude in death that's our common bond in life. I know it's ironic, but that's just the way things are. Or is it? Do we have nothing else in common?

There are reports that the Pope pope died while he was staring out his window, which looked out over the crowds gathered in St. Peter's Square. According to the newspaper, the pope raised his right hand as if to offer a blessing to those reciting the rosary in the square.
Once the faithfuls' prayer had ended, the pope made a huge effort and pronounced the word "Amen,". An instant later he died.

There is something awesome in the thought of this solitary mortal standing by the open window and summoning in from the gloom outside the spirits of the other world, surrounded by people who loved and cared for him.

The idea of death, the fear of it affecting me and the people I love, haunts me sometimes like nothing else. Is death the final stop for our journey? What becomes of us if it is so? Or is it just a transition, moving on from time to eternity?

I don't want to be separated from the ones I love, can love really conquer death? Will eternity let us be free together?

They say that a dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist. Perhaps that is why even with millions praying for one single soul's recovery, it was unavoidable. It was his time.

While we are mourning the loss of our beloved, I know they are others who are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil.


You will be loved, Father. Always. Watch and guide us from above.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Gravity of Love

Doesn't love amaze you? Everytime you give yourself away, it comes back to haunt you.


Do you really think I'm made of stone baby? C'mon! That we only love the things we own? Baby you're wrong. Let's bypass the bullshit and move on because the minute hand moves faster than you think it does.
Certain things just happen when you make no plans. Love can really tear you up and it can break you down. Everything you think you know my dear is wrong. Why do you keep pretending that you'll never love again? Why do you keep playing that game?


Why is it everytime I talk to him, I bleed and sing at the same time? Will it never end? I want it to stop.
It's hard to find the balance when you are in love (or something like it). You're lost in the middle cause you have to decide between mind & heart. HEART is the engine of your body but BRAIN is the engine of your life. So which do you follow?
I'm sick of us saying things we never really meant to say. I cannot tell the truth because it'll bounce back into a weapon again. But telling a lie is tearing me up inside. So should we go our own separate ways and never speak to each other again?
Is it really better that way?

You can cross that line whenever you want to, but I might be long gone after you do.