Thursday, December 20, 2007

Real account of trauma

Deep down, everyone wants to believe that they are tough. Well, most people anyway. Tough, Hardcore, Unbreakable, Tough Cookie, Independent whatever you call it.
Unfortunately my whole family believes I'm that - because of what I've done from the past; being the "unwavering pillar of strength".
And I suppose it's hard for them to see my crumble, really crumble, for the first time. Crumble in the sense of "stoning", crying loudly and for long periods in the shower hoping the full blast of hot water will drown my grief, unable to eat, sleep, read, watch TV, and the worst of all unable to step out of the house. And for the first time in 7 years (I've been working since I was sixteen - most of the money went to her anyway), I'm unable to work - unable to support myself financially. And it's the hardest blow I've had to take.

So the whole of November till Mid December was a horrible living nightmare. From panic attacks (as in ones that lasts for a whole half an hour) to night terrors with a capital T, to hearing about more sexual assaults in the newspaper to me being mentioned (of course not my name) in the Ten news to me wrongly accusing of some man whom I thought resembled him (he tried to make a pass at me) and got himself strapped down on the ground and interrogated and his house searched. Later my mom joked that I wouldn't be able to be picked up by a guy without having the whole police force on him.
And they've been so great. I've had to go to my local Hornsby police to do some stuff and here you've got big tough burly looking guys taking care of me - offering me krispy kreme donuts and tea and doing imitation of meerkats just because they find them cute.
Pete, my favourite guy down there left me with this bit of conversation I won't forget

Me: If you catch this... (me trying not to swear) guy, will you give him a punch for me?
Pete: Oh honey, I'll give him two *smiles at me* they tell us to bring him in, but they never tell us how *grins wickedly*

And with that, he escorts me to my mom's waiting car.

I suppose I'm lucky to have great supports. Especially with John, I know he might have tip-toed out of certain boundaries by calling me often and checking up on me - out of which I've asked him if I'm stepping out of line by relying on him so much, after all he is a university counsellor and there are ethical limits imposed on them.
To which he said, no you haven't done anything wrong. You chose me as your support and you trust me and I'm here - I'm going to be at Macquarie indefinitely I think. I'm not running away or pushing you away.

I don't know why, but that helped me so much.

Being strong or tough is not about not letting emotions show. Not crying or thinking you can handle it all by yourself. It's about acceptance. It's about being yourself permission to be vulnerable for the time being, it's a transition, a phase. You don't have to be tough every single minute of the day. It's okay to let down your guard and seek help. John has taught me that (after much prodding I must admit). In fact, it's the best thing you can possibly do... as long as you choose your moments wisely.

So my whole world seems upside down.... and then somehow, and probably, when you least expect it, it rights itself again.
I'm waiting for that.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Forgotten Bliss

I've reached a point where I look at you and I have trouble mustering forth the emotions that used to gush through every fibre of my being; where I look at your number and I have difficulty wanting to answer or read your messages; where i read the words you write and I feel like I'm a third party - I'm no longer part of the two.

So I asked you, what about all the reasons you gave me? Are they still there? Are you really sure of what you want?
Do you really want to be with me?
Why didn't you answer?

No, I don't accept "I was too hasty, I was under a lot of strain, I'm messed up". And for goodness sake, stop saying you'll pray about it and seek answers. God's not going to appear in your dreams and tell you that yes you do want to be with me.

Don't make me fall if you're not prepared to catch me.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Do it to me one more time..

What's worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago but never really did?
Maybe old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome (at least tried to). They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we would like to think right?
Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

I look at my previous post and I wonder.. I'm amazed at how much a single month can change you completely. From sweet kisses and delirium to awkward limbo to psychics to ovarian cysts to emails that crush you to madcap online dating to the final most painful of all, history repeating itself, an attack.

All you can think about right now is WHY? God damnit, why me? Why again? Does God or fate or whoever really enjoy cutting me up over and over?

And so now I'm moving in slow motion - and everything around me is just moving so fast and you want to go back to when things were well.. not quite normal but not like this. But I can't and I'm stuck. And there's all this pressure (from police to aunt to mother to brother to sister), hovering around waiting for me to do something. Sab's waiting for me to be angry - to be fiery. Dom's waiting for me to start studying and preparing for exams. Aunt's waiting for me to be strong and fight. Mother's waiting for me to show that I'm a tough cookie - to go back to work and to stop staring at the wall, to snap out of it. Bryan's waiting to get back with me. Everyone's waiting. Everyone's got their own agenda. And I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever I'm supposed to be doing if it makes everyone feel more comfortable.

But I can't be this person. I don't even know who this person is. And you just wish you could bleed just to know if that old you is somewhere in this shell.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Second First Impression

Just when it seems like the whole world has been so cruel and mean and has reduced me to ashes.. it restores me and like a phoenix I rise. Again.

I'm on fire and I'm me. I'm slowly breathing again. Stopped slicing, stopped starving (well a little), stopped frantic reading (for the moment), stopped bludging, stopped procrastinating.
I was still for a long time.
And now I breathe again. Fresh air.

But I'm far from being okay. It'll take a while, a long time in fact. I know - but really I'm smiling again. For the silliest of reasons.

I met someone. We collided. And it's left me wanting more. So much more. He treats me like how I've always dreamed of. Casual and posh at the same time. Passionate and Gentle. Goofy and mature. Wow.
Life really is a surprise. Just when you're swearing at it - and cursing every single male on the planet, it throws a nice decent sweet hunky guy at you just so that you can swallow your own words and take back what you said.

He was right infront of me and I never really noticed him. And never really noticed him noticing me. How blind was I?

P.S. I just can't stop kissing him.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Spiralling Down Down Down...

So it's been a really rough month. Probably the worst month I've had this year.

I didn't realise it, but I've been directing so much anger towards the people that matter most. And especially at JM. I lashed out at him so much on Wednesday and now I feel terribly guilty. I know I'm wrong. Maybe some sense has been knocked into my head (at long last) and I want to make things right. I lost track of my goals and I started seeing things that were never really there.
In my only defense.. I can only say this. I never really wanted to hurt anyone. It was never my intention. At least consiously.

So I'm now clawing my way back up.

Please forgive me JM. I never meant to direct so much anger at you, not only on Wednesday but on all other occasions.
So now I'm back with a vengence. Ready to tackle this. Ready for Round 2. Ready as I'll ever be. I'm back - if you'll still have me.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

- Anna Nalick Breathe (2am)

Thursday, August 09, 2007

The Unsaid

Drowning in the dark blood of would-be brothers who, beyond the pressing of fingers, those for whom the slice is only the beginning - and a different kind of light comes in, begging recognition and peace of mind.

It is like a map of where my heart has been.
No, it's not a negative thing.
You take it and drag it across your skin and pray for the courage to press down.

I know.
I know what it's like to want to disappear.
I know.
I know how it hurts to smile.
I know.
I know how you can hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

It doesn't matter if you have all the people in the world to talk to, you still have to find the strength to say in words, what you would normally say on skin.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Familiar Stranger in a Masquerade

Friends become lovers.
Lovers become strangers.


I wish I had a pause button that I could just use. I wish I had answers.
I hate feeling helpless. Watching with worried eyes and a heavy heart from a distance.
But I still believe.

Sometimes you just have to go on and on and on and on. Because you just have to.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Into the Closed Room

I've been running for years - shutting those awful memories away. But, like toxic gas, it creeps back into your consciousness, into your dreams when you least expect it.

I can't do this anymore.

It was a Monday. I stepped into the closed room. With him. I hope he's good. Because I'm gonna need it.


Demons can be slayed. You just need a really good sword, armour and possibly a sidekick.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Simple Pleasures

There's something extremely sexy about the way a man steps aside for you to walk past, tipping his hat respectfully.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


The aftermath of a very disturbing dream...

I think we have explicit expectations of ourselves in specific situations - beyond expectations in fact, requirements.
Some of these are small: If we're given a surprise party, we will be delighted.
Others are sizable: If a parent dies, we will be grief-stricken.

But perhaps in tandem with these expectations is the private fear that we will fail convention in the crunch. That we will receive the fateful call and our mother/father is dead and we will feel nothing. Nothing.
I wonder if this quiet, unutterable fear is even keener than the fear of bad news itself: that we may discover ourselves to be monstrous.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Mergence of Many

I've done quite a fair bit for the past week. Or two.
I've booked flights to the Gold Coast in July (woot!) to meet my two.. what can I even call them? Best Friends? Soulmates? Pieces of my heart? Absolutely goofy clowns? Jumping Jacks? Somehow none of these words can quite express how I feel and regard them as. So yea. I'm meeting Beckie and Shu in July.

I've added Don into my friendster list. I've known about his profile for about a year and I never quite wanted to add him. In retrospect, I was afraid. Afraid of wanting him, afraid of merging him into my life, merging him into my friends indirectly. And it's weird that now the two "D"s, the two guys, that have made a profound (either good or bad, in fact both) impact on me are connected. It feels... weird. And they both know a little about each other. I don't quite know what to say.
And what do I say in a testimonial anyway? Hey, this is my first love, the guy that broke my heart, the one whom I shared my first kiss, the one who introduced me to Redbull, the one I love and the one I don't quite want. The one whose goofy chuckle just makes me wanna kiss him.
Even after everything, he's so special to me. And I don't know if I wanna say that in a testimonial. I don't know if I wanna even write a testimonal. Maybe I'll wait for him to make the move. Besides, he has his own share of girls fawning over him. Yes yes. You detect a hint of jealousy and I'm quite amused by my own jealousy.
I don't have to say anything. I think he knows how I feel.
Back then Don, you had a habit of pretending to have no idea what I was talking about if what I was getting at was at all complicated or subtle. Later this playing-dumb strategy, which began as gentle teasing, warped into a darker incapacity to grasp what I was getting at not because it was abstruse but because it was all too clear and you didn't want it to be so.

Is this how first loves are supposed to be? That you always regard them this way?

I've always watched Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End. I loved it. It was bigger and better than ever. And right now I'd wanna go on a date with both Jack Sparrow and Will Turner at the same time, together! Heh. I have wicked thoughts.

And I'm also reading a really really good book. Sidney Poitier's Measure of A Man.
It is becoming one of my few favourites and honestly I would like to meet a guy who has read this book and who has taken its few yet massively important lessons to heart.

For now, life is busy and occupied. I can't wait for it to be filled with rollercoaster rides and surrounded by the Looneys. And I don't just mean the cartoon ones.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

To manipulate or not to manipulate? That is the question.

It's been a crazy two weeks.

And I really mean crazy. Crazy as in dysfunctional, abnormal, psychotic, bi-polar week.

My cousin came down early this year to start a new "life" in Sydney. You see, she's been diagnosed as bi-polar and has Hashimoto's Disorder. She's been fighting this for three years now. She's had to quit school in Singapore (where she caused a fair amount of havoc) and concentrate on getting better - with therapy and intense medication.

She was alright in the beginning, for some reason she took a liking to me. Confiding in me and basically growing really attached to me. I was okay with it but you know how I am. I like my space.
But anyway, a month ago, she tentatively confided one of her biggest secrets. She's a lesbian. But she lied to me though, she told me that her mom knew about it. And she started developing serious feelings for this exchange student from Korea.
One minute things were okay, and the next we find out that she's stopped taking her medications for a month and that she's stalking everyone in the hostel. Having intense "episodes" and paranoid delusions.

I experienced it first-hand myself. She started calling me every 15 minutes (no I'm not kidding) and talking incoherently. Of course, we all panicked and my aunt had to come f lying down to handle everything. It's sad that she had to find out from the people at her hostel that my cousin is a lesbian.
Anyway, my aunt stopped her uni education immediately and booked flights back home in the same week. And boy getting her to take her medications again was a chore. And who did it fall to? You guessed it. My mom. Heh. I have to admit - watching my mom take charge and fall into the "nurse" role was quite interesting. She somehow managed to coax her into taking it. If only she wasn't so "head-on" with Sabbie. She might actually get some things done. I suppose it's just the mother in her.
I feel guilty. Like maybe, if I had kept more in touch with her, maybe I could have prevented it. Maybe I could have forseen it. I was too wrapped up in my own life to take much notice of her. My mom thinks I could have done more for her (no surprise there).

So anyway, the thing that's really bugging me now is that I'm one of the few people she respects and trusts. And my mom and my aunt are relying on me to tell her that being a lesbian is abnormal, and that there is no future in it. In other words, they want me to manipulate her. To correct her "confusion".

I don't know what to do.

One of my best friends is one and I do not love her any less. But this is ground I'm too scared to walk on.
Do I think it's abnormal? I know I probably wouldn't be one myself (though I can honestly say there are times I wish I was - Men! Hmph) or choose this path. But to manipulate someone and discourage them from actually going down that path? I don't know if it is in my right.

And so here I am, torn. Confused. Unable to move. Both sides are relying on me. Which path do I take?

And as if this is not enough, my aunt thinks that she's growing "attached" to me and seeing me "in a different light". Oh jeez.. that's just too weird. I know that my aunt's not over-reacting because there are tell-tale signs.
Oh jeez.
She's my cousin! She's family. I can't just back away and tell everyone that it's not my problem.
She's had a relapse and I should try to help a little.

It's really freaky dealing with someone like this. I know now that I could never be a psychologist or psychiatrist. And my hat is off for those people who actually are or aspiring to become one.

P.S. And I thought I had issues!!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

I'm worth $43

I've been tagged! And I'm tagging you!

So here are the instructions:

As you look over the following list, you'll notice a price tag on it. If you have done something on the list, you take down the price and ADD it all up.
Then post the amount as the title.

So here goes:

  1. Had sex: $6.00
  2. Smoked: $5.00
  3. Got Drunk: $5.00
  4. Went skinny dipping: $3.00
  5. Kissed someone of the opposite sex: $4.00
  6. Kissed someone of the same sex: $4.00
  7. Cheated: $2.00
  8. Fell asleep in class: $0.50
  9. Been expelled: $5.00
  10. Been in a fist fight: $3.00
  11. Given oral: $5.00
  12. Got oral: $5.00
  13. Prank called the cops: $3.00
  14. Lied to your parents: $1.00
  15. Stole something: $2.00
  16. Done drugs: $5.00
  17. Dyed your hair: $0.50
  18. Lied about your age: $3.00
  19. Done something with someone OVER 18(like a few years): $3.00
  20. Went out with someone OVER 18 (if you are under 18): $4.00
  21. Ate a whole thing of Oreos: $0.50
  22. Cried yourself to sleep: $1.00
  23. Said you love someone but didn't mean it: $1.00
  24. Been in love: $4.00
  25. Got caught doing something you shouldn't have been doing: $1.00
  26. Went streaking: $4.00
  27. Got arrested: $5.00
  28. Madeout with someone at the movies: $2.00
  29. Peed in the pool: $0.50
  30. Played Spin the Bottle: $1.00
  31. Done something you regret: $3.00

Heh! There you go.. I'm worth $43.00... not that much!

Monday, March 19, 2007

You said what?

J to L: " Yea right. Being with someone who makes you feel shitty about yourself or miserable is far worse than being alone. You already have one asshole... you don't need another!"

-shocked silence-

-followed by my hysterical laughter which cracks everyone up-

God I love the things that just spew from that girl's mouth. It's sad that she's leaving. I'm going to miss these times.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Random Weird thing about me #2

My mouth opens whenever I'm doing my eyeliner. No matter how hard I try, it's just weird for me to keep them shut.

This is funny, you think?

I love animals. Dogs Especially.

In fact, I don't think anyone else in the world could love them more than I do. Every time I see a pup or doggie, I go all "Awww..." and melt inside.

But however obssessed I am with them, I'd never dress them up. I think that's a bit too far and for the love of me, I can't understand why people would ever dress them in costumes, especially a Yoda one.

Okay.. so this one is positively adorable. I admit.
But for goodness sake, what were you thinking woman (or man, though I seriously doubt men would do such things)?

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Our First Car!


My mom's just bought a Hyundai Elantra! Second-hand of course.. but it's still in great shape.

Sure it's not the car I would have picked, but yeah, I'm still a little excited.

I can't wait to drive... (damn it I need to get license asap)

Come to my arms!

This really got me laughing

Cat Resolutions

My human will never let me eat his pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of theaquarium.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs and thencome home and throw them up so the humans can see thatI’m getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fallin, and then pelt right for the box of clumping catlitter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of myfur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice forlate-night snacks.

We will not play “Herd of Thundering WildebeestsStampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti” overany human’s bed while she’s trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birdsoutside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of thehouse. It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when he is on the family room floor trying to do sit-ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare downthe hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my “kill.”

I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle ofthe night and stare until he wakes up.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

If I must claw my human, I will not do it in such away that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toymouse is much more socially acceptable than a big livebug, even if it isn’t as tasty.

Reflecting on last year

I've decided to do a bit of reflection and check out what happened in 2006. Basically, I'm posting every last night of posts by the month.
So here goes..


"Hope this year will be a better year for me. It should. I'll be doing my degree and driver's license. :)"

"Maybe I should have only celebrated and considered it over when I had it in my hand. But now the joy is gone and the sadness is back, the sadness that feels like something deserved, the price of some not-quite betrayal."

"I made a promise to myself. I will never let anybody make me feel helpless, whether it's financially or emotionally. I want to be untouchable in that department."

"But it's also good to know what when you're unable to be, all you have to do is just ask and a hand comes to you. Whether or not it can pull you up, it's still there... holding you. Giving you comfort."

"I hope he's happy with his new-found relationship. It shocked me greatly, I admit. But I really hope he's happy. I wish him joy.
"I love you and that is my curse. But you don't know how to love- and that is yours." "

"It's almost as if she owns some chronological chart which tells you exactly how much fun you're allowed to have at every age.

"This pain. I know I have to ride it out. I hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just have to breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time, it can be managed but sometimes, it gets you where you least expect. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. I have to fight this through, you can't outrun it and life always makes more."


"That makes me so mad and so sad. I'm smad. Hmm.. smad. Has a nice ring to it yea?I think Whiskey is a nice name for a dog."

"Ahh.. the simple pleasures of life. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to indulge myself in a nice chocolate and a good book."


"Funny thing though, his cologne somehow got me thinking of a certain episode where I stole half a bottle of Hugo Boss from a certain "then" cute individual. Seems like a lifetime ago."


"Perhaps we can't help turning and looking that person in the eye at that precise instant; perhaps we can't help but laugh or be struck by odd similarities. Perhaps we can't help but connect."


"I wish he didn’t disappear, that there was no gap. I wish I had time to catch up with him; to make him part of my life again; to be as we used to be.There was a time when I would wish upon a star."


"I just need to be reminded to breathe Because not everyone, my dear friend,Has this luxury."


"I am not about to relive my past problems, thank you very much. I've committed this year to making new disasters."


"Yes, you’re probably thinking biological clock in me is ticking.. but I am not a clock! I don’t tick!There’s nothing ticking in me. I don’t need ticking."


I’m going to have to study for my Finance Test. Heh.. I beat Anton in the previous one and he’s determined to do better.. and beat me. Hehehe. I can’t let that happen.


"I had quite a hangover the next morning.. but I think it was worth it."


"I don't really regret it. For one night, I felt on fire and sexy and desired a little. For one night, I was a little "promiscuous". A single girl's allowed a little fun eh?"

Interesting eh?

I sounded very "negative" at times. I didn't realise I was like that.
I suppose it was a tough year..

I wonder what 2007 will bring.