Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I thrive on


The dynamics of everything has changed so much, with the addition of my dad and brother here. It's hard to keep up with what's going on.

But wait. Happy sweet 16th birthday my dear sis. What can I say? It's been a long interesting ride. But yet, I'm proud of you, even with your many annoying flaws and hiccoups, proud of the girl you're turning out to be. You've grown into a beautiful, cheeky, moody, annoyingly exasperating, smart and absolutely adorable creature. Heh. But no matter what, you'll always be my little (though just a little bit taller) sister. And I love you, unconditionally. You should know that.
You're both my mirror and my opposite, Sabbie, and no matter what, with all the "competition" or arguments we may have, I believe my relationship with you will become the strongest within us.
My birthday wish for you, is not that you should never be hurt or experience pain, though sometimes I want to save you from all the troubles and pits you may fall into. I've accepted that you have to go through your own set of troubles and difficulties, but through it all, I hope you'd come out stronger and better. I wish for you to have strength; strength to acknowledge and seek help when you're down, strength to overcome it all and most of all, strength to love yourself even after all the mistakes you've made.
I am here and will always be here for you. Don't ever forget that.

So anyway.

It's funny how everything you've learnt from a single relationship with a person goes right out of the window, when everyone comes together, jumbled up.
My brother's being much nicer to me now though. The same old disturbing and goofing around with me, but yet nicer. It's weird. It's like we're slowly coming together. But I still feel as though I'm older than him, sometimes, in the sense that I take care of him more than he can ever take care of me.

My dad's pretty much the same. My mom's more stressed and irritable now, but I guess that'll pass. Soon enough. I'm continually being forced to make decisions based on circumstances, and not by choice. I'm once again, faced with a brick wall.

I've forgotten what it feels like to be a daughter. In fact, I can't even remember if I've even felt that. I've lived a thousand lives, a mother, a housewife, a watcher, a cook.. you name it I've been it.. It's weird, but I guess I should accept it right?

Oh well.

I'm not starting anything anew, just refreshing the page where it last froze.

where are we? what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just began to fall
crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling spin me around again and rub my eyes
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines?
all those years they were here first
oily marks appear on walls where pleasue moments hung before the takeover,

the sweeping insensitivity of this still alive
hide and seek

Trains and sewing machines?
oh, you won't catch me around here
blood and tears they were here first

mm what you say
oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
mm what you say
mm that it's all for the best, of course it is
mm what you say
that it's just what we need, you decided this
mm what you say
what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling at your mouth mid-sweet talk,

newspaper words cut out speak no feeling
no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Pillows, Screws and Bumps

I've got a new fat pillow! And a new bed too!

Yesterday, my mom and I went shopping. We had to buy extra beds and furniture for my brother and dad; they'll be here this Saturday. Plus, Sabbie's bed was broken and we had to get a new one. So we ordered a couple from Fantastic. Really, they've got good bargains!
Dismantling the old bed was a problem though. We had no tools! All we had was this L-shaped bar to help in the unscrewing. My mom, being my mom, was completely useless! She and "hands-on" do not go. She wanted to either call some guys to help us with the bed or wait for my dad and brother to come and help us. Honestly.

Maybe it was my female pride or ego, but I rather thought that I could do this without any male's help.
So, it took me about 45 minutes to deal with the damn bed. The result; a sense of achievement and really sore fingers and arms. I don't mind it though, at least now I know that when I get my own house, I wouldn't be completely helpless. I don't need a man around. Heh.

After that, we went to buy pillows! It was quite comical really, me carrying five huge fat pillows home. It was like carrying a white fat elephant (minus the weight) around. And knowing how silly and clumsy I am, I bumped my poor head on the metal door. I saw white light! Was quite dizzy and dazed for a while; and I have a bump on my head now. :(

I've having mixed feelings about them coming. I don't know how things are going to turn out, we're not the typical happy family, in fact we're hardly that. But I do miss my brother. It'd be great if he's here.

Oh well. We'll see what happens.
I know this is quite a short post.. but my fingers are quite numb.. till next time.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Le sigh

She realizes that just like her, he's only guilty of being human and she has so much to say to him. But no, she doesnt know where to begin. Or if she should even start.

You know what... leave me alone. I don't trust you and I can't trust you. I don't think I ever will. Why is it when I really honest to god want you to leave me alone, to disappear from my life, you come blazing back, wanting to talk and trying to compromise? It's seems as though you're holding on to me, why?
I've long learned that you and I don't always see eye to eye, that's not so much of a bad thing. But it's bad when you refuse to compromise; when you flare up at the slightest sign of disagreement or difference of opinion and you argue your way through. Where in the world did you get your warped sense of ideals?

Yes, I do disagree with my close friends. But I don't fear any horrid repurcussions from them, I don't think they'll go bereserk just because I think differently. I don't think that they'll ever hit me below the belt or demean me in any way.HONESTLY! That, to me, is a good friendship, when you can be honestand polite at the same time; when you know your limits and yet you don't compromise yourself.It's called respect. And you don't seem to respect me.
Why is it, you always know which buttons to push? Why do you irritate me so? Is it me, or is it you?

And sure, you think she's childish. Okay. I'm not about to argue or prove to you what she is and isn't. But I do have one thing to say, and that is the fact that you're harping on about it after so long proves that you're being childish about it. Hey, it's what I think, and I'm entitled to it.
Why do you keep thinking that honesty in a friendship would include crudeness and vulgarities? Don't you dare taunt me, asking me for a bloody trial run, wanting to prove that if you're "honest" (in your dictionary, crude and vulgar), we wouldn'tbe friends for very long. You don't even get what I'm trying to say in that thick head of yours. You don't know how to speak, how to talk. That's the thing with you. Tact and politeness is something you should learn. If you want to be honest with me, don't bite back, don't get your tongue twisted, and don't misuse it.
So I lied to you. I hate that I did, but I did. And I'm glad you don't know me well to know it. I'm hoping with that lie, you'd start thinking straight and treat me like a normal friend.

Two cents worth on the Katrina

America (amongst other countries) is falling apart. Yeah, you may scoff at the idea of it all but really the Egyptians, Romans and Babylonians probably never expected their empire to fall either. I'm sad at how the whole situation was taken care of, or should i say, not even taken care of.
If we don't start worrying about what the government is doing in our name as humans, we can expect more disasters, and maybe an even steeper price. Complacency has become an epidemic and the only way to cure it is to start doing something about it.

It just makes me so mad. How did we come to this?


There are times I get so annoyed with myself. I have no idea what to write. It's the perfect time for writing, but I just can't. And that's the problem with time, you always seem to have so much of it, but then it slips away and all of a sudden.. you don't and the day is over. Anyway, there's so much running through my head, but it just won't come out. All creative thinking, great ideas have got right out of my brain, which makes me sometimes believe that's I'm just so ignorant. Really, I hardly know anything about anything, and I just feel so crap and dumb.
Maybe I never was intelligent, I never was brilliant or smart. Maybe I've been faking it my whole life. Maybe all I am.. is just a beginner.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Comic Relief

Okay.. so I was bored!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Mentally Exhausted

I'm really tired.

Pondering non-stop about the previous post/topic has taken a lot out of me.

I'm off to bed. I really need it.

Myriad of Questions

If you cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. That's what I think anyway.
I've finished The Devil and Miss Prym and I liked it. However, it raised so many questions for me. Beckie, here's what I think...

The Devil and Miss Prym essays the perennial conflict between good and evil in our souls, and how we commit a crime a hundred times in our minds and are afraid to do it in real life. It is a novel that explores the concept of inherent good and evil, the nature of mankind and God.
The story itself is good, however, it is unlike his other book The Alchemist that has a magical and emotional ending, it has a rather tame ending. Which in turn, leads you to ponder about the contents.

Paulo poses the questions, “Are people good or evil?” and “Do circumstances change the way people look at life?”. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of days and here’s what I have.

Let me start with good and evil.

Many philosophers hold the theory of relativity. They exemplify good and evil as necessary for the world’s beauty and charm. Every thing has its own benefits; that garbage itself has its own value. I find this a little ridiculous because it would seem that immoral acts are excusable in the guise that without them, you would not have morals. That with suffering and pain, comes forgiveness. That is how forgiveness exists. I don’t think so. I think eventually good finds a way, life finds a way, even out the most horrid of scenarios. I don’t think good exists because evil does. I think one appreciates good, when one has seen evil. So all those crap websites stating that evil is necessary, the evil one is necessary and technically good is what I call fiddlesticks (a really nice term though).

There are also philosophers who maintain that an act is neither good nor bad in itself but the intention makes it so. Mere intention cannot make a bad act good. At the most, a bad act performed in good faith can be excused but it cannot be classified as a good act or as right. Therefore, intention alone cannot be made the basis of determining good and evil. It is without rationale.

Other philosophers like Socrates, Aristotle and Plato considered good and evil to be independent. The foundation of both already exists in man’s nature. Sometimes, Man forgets his own moral laws and needs to be reminded and self-realisation is the real knowledge that guides man to the path of the highest good.

So what is evil? Is it a thing or a being that causes our actions or judgements? Or is evil the result of our ill actions? I think it is both, at least for me. Atheists would argue on this point, because in their beliefs evil or good do not have an ontological staus; meaning as a thing itself, it does not exist. There is no God and no devil, in their opinion. Evil and Good is merely a result of our actions.

I agree that our actions can produce good and evil. But I also believe in a God and a devil. Both are inter-linked but ultimately, we make the decisions to do good and evil.

Another question that I came across, Is evil the absence of good (or vice versa) or is it the antithesis of good?
I’ve heard of this theory to answer this question. I’m not sure I agree with it.

We talk about things being cold or warm. But coldness is not a thing that exists in itself; it has no ontological status. Coldness is the absence of heat. When we remove heat energy from a system, we say it gets colder.
"Cold" isn't a thing. It's a way of describing the reduction of molecular activity resulting in the sensation of heat. So the more heat we pull out of a system, the colder it gets. Cold itself isn't being "created." Cold is a description of a circumstance in which heat is missing. Heat is energy which can be measured. When you remove heat, the temperature goes down. We call that condition "cold," but there is no cold "stuff" that causes that condition. So this would prove that evil in indeed the absence of good. But if there’s no good, is there necessarily evil? Is there no neutral point?
It’s so hard to talk about such things using analogies like Light Vs Dark/White Vs Black
because white can be proven to be a combination of all of the colors of the spectrum while black is the absence of all color.

So I ask myself and place a scenario. If I’m a doctor on a holiday and I see someone having a heart-ache and I do nothing. Am I considered neutral? I’m not doing good, yet my act itself is frowned upon. I consider it wrong and a certain degree of ‘evil’, because it has caused harm to someone (death in this case), even though I’m not literally stabbing him with a knife. So there is an absolute good and varying degrees of evil. Neutrality is very subjective, depending on scenario.

Yet, I would also argue that evil is the antithesis of good, since in every person there is something good. Sometimes you may have to look very deep to find it, but it is there. For instance, just for the sake of the example, it could be argued that because Hitler (assumption) loved dogs, there was good in him, else he would not be capable of true love. This in no way is meant to diminish the evil he wrought, but to emphasize that in some way, there is some good in everyone, so there can be no true absence of good. On the other hand, if evil is the antithesis of good, both can be in one person, it is just a matter of which takes precedence, how often and to what degree?

While there may be clear line of what is good, I want to know more about how there is an unclear line of what is evil. Is lying evil? What if it is a "harmless" white lie, to protect someone's feelings? Say, for example if a guy is sitting in a bar, and a woman he finds less than attractive comes over to "make a pass". The guy tells her that he finds her very pretty, but that he is married, and "where were you 5 years ago?" He does not find her pretty and is not yet married, but she is going off to do something else feeling complimented, and "let down gently". Is this an act of "good", because you were kind and did not hurt her feelings unnecessarily, or "evil", because you lied? I do not believe that you can have such fine lines in determining "good" and "evil" actions, yet the important thing about actions is the motive, but only sometimes.
For instance, is it evil to kill someone? To me, sometimes (not always) depends upon why you killed them. If you show a short temper by walking down the street, come across some little old lady who is slowing you down because she cannot keep the pace, and you break her neck and keep going...I would vote that that is "evil." However, if someone draws a gun on your sibling, parent or loved one, threatening to kill her, and you fight with that person, and in the struggle, the gun goes off and kills him, which is done accidentally, and in the act of protecting a loved one from an aggressor. To me, that is "good."

Is man essentially or inherently evil? Or does he come into the world “neutral”, not knowing either good or evil? That he learns it from his surroundings and experience. But then again, do you honestly need to stab yourself in the chest to know that it is not a good thing to do? Do we honestly need to experience evil to know that it is not good? Can you honestly look at a baby and think that it’s neutral? A baby’s innocent yes, but is it good? I don’t know, I feel one is. I think one is.

I’ll sum up by saying that even the very wise cannot see all ends. I don’t know the answers to all the questions that may arise with this issue. So what it leaves me with is a journey, a path and maybe an attempt to understand. Eventually, I may not fully understand. All I can do is have faith and try to make the choices that are right and good.

Choice. I think that’s the keyword in all of this.
Maybe free will is a blessing and a curse. I believe God has given all of us the absolute ability to makes choices in life. We have the ability to choose good or evil, right or wrong, self or others. Forget history, what people have done and what not. What about me? What do I choose to do? Why did God give us free will then? Wouldn't it have been easier and nicer to create mankind as inherently good. I honestly don’t know, but maybe his purpose with mankind is to have eternal fellowship with those who truly love Him. Therefore, to create us as inherently good robots, without the potential for the opposite character, evil, would not allow for true love. For only love that comes from a free choice of the will is TRUE LOVE. Voluntary choice is the key - love isn't genuine if there's no other option.

Any takers? All views appreciated.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Why do we...

I've always wondered why exactly we tear and cry everytime we slice onions. I decided to find out today.

"When you slice through an onion, you break open a number of onion cells. Some of these cells have enzymes inside of them, and when they are sliced open, the enzymes escape. The enzymes then decompose some of the other substances that have escaped from sliced cells. Some of these substances, amino acid sulfoxides, form sulfenic acids, which then quickly rearrange themselves into a volatile gas.
The gas reaches your eyes and reacts with the water that keeps them moist. This changes the chemical's form again, producing, among other things, a mild sulfuric acid, which irritates the eyes. The nerve endings in your eyes are very sensitive and so they pick up on this irritation (this is why our eyes sting when we slice onions). The brain reacts by telling your tear ducts to produce more water, to dilute the irritating acid so the eyes are protected."

Why onions make you cry! Click me!

Ahh.. now that explains it and makes sense!

Did you know? If you didn't ... now you do!

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Dose of Politics, perhaps?


I've decided to write in another post, and quickly too, so it doesn't seem like a angsty emo-ish blog!
I'm a little embarrassed, because in actual fact, I wasn't at all angry or anything. Maybe a little exasperated and irritated, but not angry. But now, when I read it, it looks... bad! I guess it shows more intense emotions, than how I actually was.


Before I move to the more "serious" note, I have to rant! I watched the Lord of the Rings Extended Version for the third sequel: The Return Of the King and boy! I love it, it's just amazing how better it became. I wish Tolkien was alive, he would have been proud. And I think the love story between him and his wife (Beren and Luthien) was so sweet and romantic.

Sigh. I wish I could just give up accounting and follow one of my callings to be a chef, one of the other passions in my life. That's the problem with having too many interests and passions.

I love my hair at this moment! It smells so good and you know how when you let it down after bunning it up for quite some time, and it goes all nice, behaved and all bouncy? Yep! It's so nice and soft now.

I have a 6 gorgeous pansies in the balcony and I took pictures of them (and later became vain and took pictures of myself) with my mom's phone, but I can't post it just yet, I haven't figured how to transfer them to the laptop yet, hopefully it'd be soon.

I came across this article, below.

State Senate OKs bill for same-sex marriage

I love the interesting quote though. It's probably about the only thing I liked in this article.

"The last time I checked, a higher power created all of us. In the eyes of God, they are all human beings, all equal to him,” he said. “Why are they not equal to us?"

Now, normally I don't like to talk about "sensitive" issues but yeah, I decided to just touch a little on it today.
I'm quite against same-sex marriages. I don't view it as a marriage, but rather a partnership perhaps? In my books, it's just does not feel and isn't right. But that's just me.
I've long accepted that these things (gayism and lesbianism) happen but I don't have to agree with it. It's got nothing to do with what is right, correct or wrong but rather what is right, correct or wrong to me. It's just not something I would do, I guess.

Is it to do with preserving the sanctity of marriage? I'm not sure. But how is the sanctity of marriage saved when a guy (or anyone) can get drunk in Las Vegas and marry a hooker for the price of 55 dollars at the Elvis Chapel?! Or other celebs marrying for a couple of hours, then divorcing or annuling it later?
Since when was the sanctity of marriage ever preserved?

I onced researched what causes homosexuality, but like a a lot of things, it's very subjective and there's no real or definite answer. I don't know if being a homosexual is a choice or that "you're born that way". I find it hard to believe that you're born against nature.

I don't know. *shrugs*

But I would rather that a person makes that choice. The choice whether one expresses one's preferred sexuality than spending their life lying about it.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Oh please... will you wake up?

Oh jeez... seriously.

I'm so sick of you telling me that you know me very well, you're my mother, of course you do.
Maybe you say it so many times to convince yourself, perhaps?

Let me tell you straight, you don't know me. Period. Don't even pretend that you do. Don't even act like you do.

What makes you think I share myself with you in the first place? Our relationship now is merely that of "peaceful co-existence". It's the ability to not rock the boat, mainly because you're too stubborn and proud to either acknowledge you're mistaken, or you don't know better. You refuse to budge or compromise.


V: It's pronounced as lingerie (think "linger" and "ry" as in angry)
-stunned silence-
Me: No, that's not right. It's lingerie (I'm assuming you know the correct pronunication)
V: What rubbish.
-hears Sabbie's laughter in the background-
Me: Mom, it's french so you don't pronounce it like that. Its etymology is from middle french
Sabbie: Sera's right.
V: Nonsense, I'm correct.

*end of flashback*

Dumbledore's right. People find it easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
It's hard to have any kind of relationship with someone who keeps viewing you as a competition.

You don't know me.

Just because you know my mannerisms and habitual phrases and exclamations, does not mean that you know me well.
But then again, anyone who's lived in the same roof as me, would have figured that easily.
You're scratching at the surface, but you have no idea what's inside.

So will you just stop it?