Thursday, May 31, 2007

Mergence of Many

I've done quite a fair bit for the past week. Or two.
I've booked flights to the Gold Coast in July (woot!) to meet my two.. what can I even call them? Best Friends? Soulmates? Pieces of my heart? Absolutely goofy clowns? Jumping Jacks? Somehow none of these words can quite express how I feel and regard them as. So yea. I'm meeting Beckie and Shu in July.

I've added Don into my friendster list. I've known about his profile for about a year and I never quite wanted to add him. In retrospect, I was afraid. Afraid of wanting him, afraid of merging him into my life, merging him into my friends indirectly. And it's weird that now the two "D"s, the two guys, that have made a profound (either good or bad, in fact both) impact on me are connected. It feels... weird. And they both know a little about each other. I don't quite know what to say.
And what do I say in a testimonial anyway? Hey, this is my first love, the guy that broke my heart, the one whom I shared my first kiss, the one who introduced me to Redbull, the one I love and the one I don't quite want. The one whose goofy chuckle just makes me wanna kiss him.
Even after everything, he's so special to me. And I don't know if I wanna say that in a testimonial. I don't know if I wanna even write a testimonal. Maybe I'll wait for him to make the move. Besides, he has his own share of girls fawning over him. Yes yes. You detect a hint of jealousy and I'm quite amused by my own jealousy.
I don't have to say anything. I think he knows how I feel.
Back then Don, you had a habit of pretending to have no idea what I was talking about if what I was getting at was at all complicated or subtle. Later this playing-dumb strategy, which began as gentle teasing, warped into a darker incapacity to grasp what I was getting at not because it was abstruse but because it was all too clear and you didn't want it to be so.

Is this how first loves are supposed to be? That you always regard them this way?

I've always watched Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End. I loved it. It was bigger and better than ever. And right now I'd wanna go on a date with both Jack Sparrow and Will Turner at the same time, together! Heh. I have wicked thoughts.

And I'm also reading a really really good book. Sidney Poitier's Measure of A Man.
It is becoming one of my few favourites and honestly I would like to meet a guy who has read this book and who has taken its few yet massively important lessons to heart.

For now, life is busy and occupied. I can't wait for it to be filled with rollercoaster rides and surrounded by the Looneys. And I don't just mean the cartoon ones.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

To manipulate or not to manipulate? That is the question.

It's been a crazy two weeks.

And I really mean crazy. Crazy as in dysfunctional, abnormal, psychotic, bi-polar week.

My cousin came down early this year to start a new "life" in Sydney. You see, she's been diagnosed as bi-polar and has Hashimoto's Disorder. She's been fighting this for three years now. She's had to quit school in Singapore (where she caused a fair amount of havoc) and concentrate on getting better - with therapy and intense medication.

She was alright in the beginning, for some reason she took a liking to me. Confiding in me and basically growing really attached to me. I was okay with it but you know how I am. I like my space.
But anyway, a month ago, she tentatively confided one of her biggest secrets. She's a lesbian. But she lied to me though, she told me that her mom knew about it. And she started developing serious feelings for this exchange student from Korea.
One minute things were okay, and the next we find out that she's stopped taking her medications for a month and that she's stalking everyone in the hostel. Having intense "episodes" and paranoid delusions.

I experienced it first-hand myself. She started calling me every 15 minutes (no I'm not kidding) and talking incoherently. Of course, we all panicked and my aunt had to come f lying down to handle everything. It's sad that she had to find out from the people at her hostel that my cousin is a lesbian.
Anyway, my aunt stopped her uni education immediately and booked flights back home in the same week. And boy getting her to take her medications again was a chore. And who did it fall to? You guessed it. My mom. Heh. I have to admit - watching my mom take charge and fall into the "nurse" role was quite interesting. She somehow managed to coax her into taking it. If only she wasn't so "head-on" with Sabbie. She might actually get some things done. I suppose it's just the mother in her.
I feel guilty. Like maybe, if I had kept more in touch with her, maybe I could have prevented it. Maybe I could have forseen it. I was too wrapped up in my own life to take much notice of her. My mom thinks I could have done more for her (no surprise there).

So anyway, the thing that's really bugging me now is that I'm one of the few people she respects and trusts. And my mom and my aunt are relying on me to tell her that being a lesbian is abnormal, and that there is no future in it. In other words, they want me to manipulate her. To correct her "confusion".

I don't know what to do.

One of my best friends is one and I do not love her any less. But this is ground I'm too scared to walk on.
Do I think it's abnormal? I know I probably wouldn't be one myself (though I can honestly say there are times I wish I was - Men! Hmph) or choose this path. But to manipulate someone and discourage them from actually going down that path? I don't know if it is in my right.

And so here I am, torn. Confused. Unable to move. Both sides are relying on me. Which path do I take?

And as if this is not enough, my aunt thinks that she's growing "attached" to me and seeing me "in a different light". Oh jeez.. that's just too weird. I know that my aunt's not over-reacting because there are tell-tale signs.
Oh jeez.
She's my cousin! She's family. I can't just back away and tell everyone that it's not my problem.
She's had a relapse and I should try to help a little.

It's really freaky dealing with someone like this. I know now that I could never be a psychologist or psychiatrist. And my hat is off for those people who actually are or aspiring to become one.

P.S. And I thought I had issues!!