Thursday, December 28, 2006

Christmas Pics!

A goofy pic.. taken by me.. heh! That's Rohan with the silly face..

Me and Taarika (aka Tee) She's so sweet and a goodie goodie

Lucy and me! (She's so chatty!)

Me, Lucy and Janine

My girlfriend and party partner!

Janine and me (She's so gorgeous and my closest friend so far)

Just thought I'd introduce my Priceline gang!

P.S. You can see why I hate my uniform right? It makes me look so dark..

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Yo-Ho-Ho and a bottle of Vodka


Alcohol and me. Interesting mix. When consumed, I laugh like silly and talk to bushes or build sandcastles. The most recent "outcome" recently however (December 23rd), was me flirting and *ahem* close dancing and *ahem* "canoodling" with a hot guy in a club.

Oh god. I think this has got to be THE most embarrassing experience of my life. The thing is, I have never ever felt so... sexual and I remember every single minute of it. And I have no excuses for this "escapade" - I knew what I was doing (I was tipsy I admit, but not too much that I couldn't have stopped myself)

And what's worse is that this guy, James Ryan, is Jenna's close friend. And also Janine's ex. Oh god. And he is cute. Smart. HOT. And I'm so so physically attracted to him.
I don't know - I just felt sexy and I thought he was sexy and the music was groovy and I just went with what I wanted.
It was just a one night "dance fling" and nothing is ever going to come out of that night. This guy is way out of my league.

It's okay though.

I don't really regret it. For one night, I felt on fire and sexy and desired a little. For one night, I was a little "promiscuous". A single girl's allowed a little fun eh?

That's okay. Right?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

But I fear...

after all the heartaches, struggles, battles, leaps and crossroads,

I'd have nothing to give.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Just another survey

1. WHAT MADE YOU SMILE YESTERDAY? My lecturer, George Conway, made a comment about my presentation. In his words, I’m very organic and animated – and one of the best speakers he’s come across. I was literally beaming the whole day! But honestly, I thought I’d be nervous doing the whole speech thing, but it was such a rush! I actually made a few cards for me to refer to during the speech – but for some crazy reason, I just put it away during my speech and I just rambled! Which later on lead me to question certain things – I’ll tell ya later.

2. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 8 THIS MORNING? I was making breakfast for myself and my brother. Bacon, eggs, tomato and baked beans for myself and a roast beef and egg sandwich for him.

3. WHAT WERE YOU DOING 15 MINUTES AGO? Changing the layout of my blog. I like the new look! Do you?

4. SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN 1995? Alright year. I was primary five. I had two “best” friends – Lavanya and Cindy. They were one of the coolest people in my year. I was top in science for my class and damn pleased with myself. I was pretty much a goody-two shoes – never did anything wild. Loved by teachers. And at times hated by rebellious students. I had an obssession with five stones though. My ambition was to be a five stone champion heh. I think there were 35 levels? I can’t remember them!


6. HOW MANY DIFFERENT THINGS DID YOU DRINK TODAY? There was no milk to go with my eggs. So I had drank the next best thing “Vitamilk” – it’s this really sweet soy milk from I think Thailand? It comes in glass bottles. I bought a six pack for $2.60. How cool is that? A glass of water (I have to drink more!) and honey water (I love love love this).


8. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH? The handle is white and dark green. The bristles are light blue.

9. WHAT IS OUT YOUR BACK DOOR? Erm.. a shoe rack and a clothes hanger and one solitary chair. LOL. We’re still looking for a nice, comfortable patio. Oh and a barbecue piece.

10. LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? A beef with tomato chutney pie from Pie Face, this new outlet in Westfield. Yum Yum.

11. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? A jewellery set with small diamonds from Prouds Jewellers.

12. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FRONT DOOR? White. It’s wooden.

13. WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHANGE? Sometimes in my jean pockets. But I usually transfer to my table – there’s this special compartment for coins. I especially the “gold” coins. Hehe.

14. WHATS THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY? HOT HOT HOT! SO much for the coldest spring in ages eh?

15. BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate! There’s no better flavour! Wendy’s wicked chocolate is good. The one from Gelatissimo is not too bad either, plus it’s fat free. But yeah, the best ice creams aren’ fat free so live a little!

16. SOMETHING YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT? I can’t wait for a christmas party that my work colleagues are throwing.. They’re a fun group I tell you. I really can’t wait. It’s on the 16th of Decemeber. For once I’m really in the Christmas mood. There’ll be good food, heh cute guys too! We’re going to play games! I love games!

17. LAST RAINBOW YOU SAW? Can’t remember. It’s been a long time.

18. WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR? Australian size 6 , Singapore size I think it’s a size bigger… I kinda have trouble finding shoes my size cos my feet are small.

19. DO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS? Just one. But I’ve also found my soul-sister! Does she count?

20. ARE YOU VERY RANDOM? Sometimes.

21. DO YOU WANT TO CUT YOUR HAIR? No I just got it cut! It cost me $160. Phew. But it was worth it. I had streaks of reddish purple for my whole head done, treatment, cut and blow dry. It’s not too bad. It was from John Brennan.

22. ARE YOU OVER THE AGE OF 22? Yeah I am. I don’t feel 22 though. What’s 22 supposed to feel like anyway?

23. DO YOU TALK ALOT? Depends on the person I’m with. Sometimes I ramble a lot. Sometimes I listen. Mostly I listen.

24. DO YOU WATCH THE OC? I used to for Season 1 and then Season 2 wasn’t so great. I’ve stopped watching. I’m pretty annoyed they killed off Marissa Cooper. They’re not going to make it.

25. WHAT DAY DOES YOUR SCHOOL END THIS YEAR? Oh shoosh and go away. My summer school’s just begun.


27. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE CALLED STEVE? Yeah, Beckie’s brother. Handsome dude, pretty quiet. I don’t know him that well. I think the most I’ve ever said to him was a “hi”.

28. DO YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS? Yeah. My favourite is Shooshkebab. Cool eh?

29. ARE YOU TICKLISH? Oh yeah, very. *whispers* Don’t tell anyone.

30. ARE YOU TYPICALLY A JEALOUS PERSON? Hehe. Unfortunately, very jealous. I try not to be, but it’s just natural for me.

Next Up: Instructions
Grab the nearest book.
Open the book to page 18.
Find the 13th sentence and 14th sentence.
Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

I thought at that time that I couldn’t be horrified anymore, or wounded. I suppose that it’s a common conceit, that you’ve already been so damaged that damage itself, in its totality, makes you safe.

Wow. The last one was cool.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Into Retro

I went out clubbing!


I was invited to dinner and and partying later in the city last Saturday. You know how I had reservations about going earlier this year? Well.. I decided to go this time. Plus, I'm quite comfortable with my working colleagues.
The party was for Josh, a sort of farewell slash birthday thing. He's my manager, wait correction (the one who interviewed me) was my manager, he got transferred to another store. It's sad really, he's a brilliant, kind and caring manager. The best I've worked with so far.

So anyway, dinner at the BlackBird Cafe was quite a subdued affair, I guess everyone was quite nervous about going out for the first time. The dynamics of everything was pretty.. awkward I suppose.
It got better later on though. Everyone was pretty excited because this guy from the series Home And Away was dining right next to us. I didn't see what the big deal was, I don't watch the series, but yeah, he seemed quite smug about the attention he was getting. *shrugs*

And then the fun part! Retro, the music's a combination of old songs re-mixed with new beats! Pretty cool. I thing Shu would have loved it. And yes, they played quite a fair number of Michael Jackson's songs.. I have to admit seeing him all over in HUGE LCD screens kinda felt nostalgic. I remembered how crazy I used to be about him and his music. Interesting and sad, look at the way he is now.
I suppose that is what fame does to people.

There were a few complications though. Suki, an indian tempermental yet funny creature, didn't bring her ID! It was so silly of her. So*drumrolls* I concocted a plan for her! Hehe.
I decided that all of us should go in first, wait about 45 mins, and then I'd sneak out my id for her to use to get in. It worked brilliantly, I must say, even though she looks quite different from me. But yeah, I suppose we got a little lucky.
Heh. So we were in the club from 10am all the way till 2.30am - dancing non-stop! I had like two tequila's, Smirnoff's vodka and Baileys! It's not that much I know, but yeah I got a little high and dizzy. Maybe it's cos I've stayed away from it for too long. But yeah! It was fun.
I knew my limit so I stopped just in time. But I think this guy called Randy was flirting with me. He works in another outlet (where Josh is currently) and his brother, Rohan, (an extremely cute and funny individual) works with me in Hornsby. Too bad he didn't come though.
So yeah, afterwards Jenna (a fellow Macquarie 3rd year student and my supervisor - I love this gal, she's awesome) drove me home. That was nearly three I think.

Oh! But on the way -amidst Jenna's mad driving - Randy erm.. kinda embarrassed himself by asking Jenna to pull over so that he could.. pee! Gosh.. what a turn off! Heh. But at least I was nice enough not to tease him about it.

I expected my mom to either be staying up or having something to say about me coming back so late, but as I was creeping into my house - I realised that everyone was asleep!! Hmmph. So much for my James Bond, or should I say Jane Bond techniques!
I had quite a hangover the next morning.. but I think it was worth it.
I'm going out again on the 9th. Can't wait.

Monday, November 13, 2006

When everything is made to be broken

My oh my.

It's been a while huh? I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I've been so caught up with work, assignments, studies and the closing of family drama.

He's officially gone. Gone.
And now it's just the four of us. At first, I used to have nightmares of him coming back and tormenting us. And Dominic wasn't coping so well. I guess he's always hoped for things to work out. Or maybe he's just living in a disillusioned world, unwilling to face facts, wrapped up in the computer world of his.
As much as I was so relieved - a small tiny part of me felt a sense of hollow loss. It's so final, irretrievable. I don't understand it.
Funny, it would be easy to go back to my "bitter" self. The whole rage thing is admittedly very seductive. But I can't. I don't know why. I'm not so angry or even slightly masochistic - just dull. A little.
Peace of mind comes at a certain price though. We all have to work harder to hold the fort, cling to each other for support because god knows he's slandering all of us back in Singapore. But frankly, I don't care a damn.
It's so much better this way.

We're having a good time here. Really. It's hard yes, but we're all laughing and joking away. Dominic is happier than I've ever seen him. I think he's accepted it and put it behind him. I'd be lying if I said he's not battered and wounded. But he's on the road to recovery. And hopefully, he'd be blessed enough to have the friends I have and maybe even one day someone to heal him.
Sabbie is getting more cheekier each day, I swear she's getting a lot of it from Dominic.
But the ultimate transformation goes to my mom. She's joking around. And being silly. God, it's so weird to watch.
She's still a bit annoying - at times she refuses to let go of the "control reins" but yeah. It's amazing.

You know what's weird though? Aunt Adeline. She calls me every now and then, chatting. She's trying to get me to think about the possible scenario of another man in my mom's life. Maybe even get ME to persuade HER. Can you imagine? I feel like laughing silly.
I don't even know what to think. I know my aunt means well, she just wants my mom to start dating, nothing serious just have a little fun.
My mom was even "fishing" for my views on this matter - and not too subtley I might add. I honestly don't know what to think. All I know is that I'm trying my hardest to be strong. Not only to hold the fort but also have a life of my own.

We'll see what happens.

Monday, August 07, 2006

We three ladies

Here are the pics I promised... I still stand by what I say.. I'm NOT a photogenic person...

Next up will be pics of me with my tied up (I look really different like that ya know? Haha.. and maybe even with my specs on! *gasps*)

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Random Survey #1

what is the geekiest part of your music collection?
* I don't think any of my music is geeky… OH! I have the macarena CD… bought that ages ago! It’s such an annoying song.

what do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
* Hmmm.. most of the time I make garlic bread, ravioli or eat chocolate.

what is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
* Erm… I’ve really cried for The Passion Of Christ, Powder and Rabbit Proof Fence.

if you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
* Hmmm…plastic surgery? I’m not sure. But I’d wanna do my teeth. And clear my skin.

do you have a completely irrational fear?* Irrational? I don’t think so. There’s a reason behind my fears.. I have plenty.

what is a physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
* Cracking my knuckles and fidgeting, looking away or babbling incoherently.

do you know anyone famous?
* Yes actually.. Sabbie is friends with Paul Christopher Twohill.. (this Singapore Idol finalist), they used to go to catechism and church together. I got introduced to him. So yeah! I know someone famous.

describe your bed.
* A double twin bed with Snuggles (my teddy-bear), Eeyore (stuffed animal from Pooh cartoon), a red heart squishy pillow and three fat adorable pillows.

do you know how to play poker?
* Yes.. very well I think.

what do you carry with you at all times?
* Besides my clothes… my ring. It’s this black hematite iron ore ring that I fell in love with. I’ve grown attached to it.

what do you miss most about being little?
* Little? Hmm.. I can’t think of anything… maybe playing with my cousins.. having quite good relationships with my uncles and aunts…

are you happy with your given name?
* Actually yeah.. I like my name. It’s beautiful. Seraphina Lea (forgetting the surname).
It is the feminine form of the Late Latin name Seraphinus, derived from the biblical word seraphim which was Hebrew in origin and meant "fiery ones". The seraphim were an order of angels, having six wings each; were the most powerful angels.
And Lea, it’s meaning is a mythological goddess of canoe builders.
So basically my name has powerful meanings.. fiery angels and goddess. You feel strong with it.

how much money would it take to give up the internet for 1 year?
*A whole year? Well… maybe half a million dollars… or a million. I need the internet.

what color is your bedroom?
* White walls… with brown blinds and brown and cream bedsheets.

what was the last song you listened to?
* One Night – The Corrs

have you ever been in a play?* Yes.

do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
* I don’t always like myself.. I get angry with myself but yeah I believe in myself bery strongly.

do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
* Annoy me? No! It makes me sad..

do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
* Yes I think I’m a nice person.

do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend than your friends?
* I'm single.

whats one thing you wish you could do but can't?
* Hmmm.. there’s so many! I wish I could cook any dish in the world.. I’d cook up a storm for myself.. I wish I could kiss someone… but I know I can’t ever. And also I think I might have forgotten.. actually I don't think so. Nevermind. Stick to the cooking part.

what is your ideal marriage location?
* I don’t have one…

whats one instrument you wish you could play?
* No biggie.. the piano.

something you love and hate?* A certain someone. And maybe at times food.

what kind of bedding do you use?
* Errm.. I have no idea!

do you tell your friends about your sex life?
* What sex life??

whats one language you want to learn
* Italian or French

what do you order at a bar?
* If I did.. it’d either be a margarita or a vodka lime or vodka redbull… or Baileys! Yum..

have you ever pierced your body parts?
* Just my ears.. nothing else

do you have any tattoos?
* Nope. And I don’t want one.. at least not a permanent one.

would you admit to getting plastic surgery if confronted?
* Probably not.

do you drive stick?
* Huh?

whats one trait you hate in a person?
* Someone who’s obnoxious I suppose.

what kind of watch do you wear?
* I don’t have one… my previous one broke.. I should get one..

most frivilous purchase?
* Probably my boots.

do you consider yourself materialistic?
* Not so much but I do wish I had certain things.. it’s hard not being rich because there was a time (when I was small) when I could get practically anything I wanted.. at least most things.

what do you cook best?
* Erm… I’m not sure! Briyani? Ravioli?

favorite writing instrument?
* Dark blue medium ball-point pen.

do you prefer to blend in or stand out?
* Mostly, blend in but I admit.. I like being noticed.

do you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
* Like a guy? Well.. I do wear jeans and pants.. but I never look masculine…

what is one car you will never buy?
* Hmmm.. a commodore?

what kind of books do you like to read?
* Anything that makes you think.. philosophical, psychological or thrilling, adventure, suspense.. crime puzzling and *cough* a little romance.

if you won the lottery, what would you do?
* Pay my mom’s credit card bill (it’s not so much but I’d clear her debts if she has any), pay for my brother’s, my sister’s and my own education. And then after that buy a house. It depends on how much I win.. if there’s enough, I’ll buy a small house for my mom.

burial or cremation?
* Eww.. erm.. cremation.. I’d rather by burned than have maggots eat my body.. eww.. what a thought!

what's one thing you are a sore loser at?
* errr, hmmmm grades?

if you don't like a person, how do you show it?
* Haha.. oh they’ll know. My body vibe and language is enough.. but yeah I usually am stiff and avoiding..

do you cry in front of your friends?
* I have done so.. to my closest friends.

what kind of first impression do you think you give people?
* Erm.. nice but very distant? Cautious? Confident but untrusting?

whats one thing you like to do alone?* Bathe! *laughs* Ermm.. study..

are you a giver or a taker?
* Both I suppose.. in friendships… in relationships.. it depends.. I find it easier to give than to receive.. especially in intimacy..

what have you stolen before?
* A pen.

do you ever have to beg?
* Sometimes I beg Sabbie to go to Westfield with me..

have you ever done any illegal drugs?
* Nope.

do you think you're cute?
* Hmph. I’m told too many times.

do you have a problem changing clothes in front of your friends?
* I think I’ve done so in front of Shu.. not sure about Beckie.. but yeah.. I don’t think I have a problem with it.. as long as my undies stay on.

whats the most painful experience you've ever had?
* Can’t decide which one. All of them hurt but in different ways.

favorite communication method?
* I prefer face-to-face communication. I like to look into the person’s eyes or face when I’m talking to them.

Stupid Girls

I really can’t deny who and what I am. But you know, I have my weird quirks too. I’m not that smooth type of girl. I run into poles, fall off stairs sometimes even chairs, I run into mirror glass doors not realising that they were there – I’m very accident-prone.
I’m not the dainty and graceful female. I really don’t have it all together.
But I don’t ACT stupid.

I intimidate people, or so my friend says.
I’m much too “confident and vocal and in control”. It seems that Australian girls, or women I should say, are afraid of being smart. I couldn’t understand it for the past few days. Why would anyone want to act stupid? Isn’t being smart so worthwhile, and in itself so sexy?
Sometimes in lectures, some silly girl would make such a stupid comment and everyone would laugh at the stupidity of it. The lecturer would sigh a little – having the look of “Couldn’t have expected any more of you anyway”, guys would guffaw at it and attempt to teach the girl, enlighten her and you could practically see the male egos puffing up.
It’s disgusting.

But don’t get me wrong. There are smart girls in my university. Just that these girls are usually from overseas.

Maybe girls do it – look beautiful and act stupid – to attract guys, attract attention. I mean hey, with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie out there (maybe even Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson), it’s probably the “in” thing anyway.
Creating a cultural icon out of someone who goes “I’m stupid, isn’t it cute” makes me want to throw daggers. I feel like saying to them “People didn’t fight for women rights (some are still fighting) just so that you can start telling women it’s fun to be stupid. Saying that to young women, liitle girls? It’s not acceptable.

Maybe I shouldn’t blame these celebrities so much. One could argue that they didn’t create this, it’s been going on for ages ever since Marilyn Monroe. Maybe it’s her fault.
Or maybe it goes deeper than that.

Think back.
When you were a little girl or boy, how did your aunties and uncles treat you?
They’d look at the little girl and in hushed tones and carrying her as though she was glass, would probably say “Aww.. isn’t she beautiful? She’s an angel.. She’s going to be a heartbreaker.. blah blah “ You get the idea. They’d buy dolls and tea-sets for her.
Whereas for little boys, they’re somewhat more rougher, louder and would probably buy all those “smart” toys for them… and their dreams of them would be all in the “smart” kinda jobs.
Maybe… just maybe, it’s in this early stage that creates some sort of “image” that we’re supposed to be or we’re given an idea or what we should be to make others “appreciate or notice” you.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m grasping at straws here.

I’m reading this book now “Falling in Love – Why we choose the lovers we choose” by Ayala Malach Pines. I’m loving it. It’s so profound and I find a lot of what I’m reading true.
The author is a clinical, social and organizational psychologist. Yes, I know.. you may be wondering what the hell is wrong with me. One minute I’m trashing psychologists and the next I’m reading something written by them.
I will admit, I am biased and probably wrong about my whole “idea” about them. Just because I’ve encountered one bad experience doesn’t mean that they’re all trash or the subject itself is trash. Maybe they’re not ALL right… but there is some truth in what they’re studying or saying. And I respect that. I respect them.

And I realise now… it is not by accident that we fall in love with the people we choose.

Anyway, I’ve been quite busy.
In other mundane news, I’ve revamped my room and I’m quite happy with the result. I have a new dresser and chairs. And… I’ve taken a couple of nice pics with my mom and sis… I’ll post them up soon.

Till then.. I’m going to have to study for my Finance Test. Heh.. I beat Anton in the previous one and he’s determined to do better.. and beat me. Hehehe. I can’t let that happen.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Devil's Dance

I feel like I’m setting myself up for failure.

When it comes to love or relationships.. I turn into pus. Yes pus. A pustule of emotion that explodes into a festering cesspool of disaster.
I am not kidding. I feel every single emotion capable of feeling. But most of the time, I just feel scared. That kind of bone-chilling gut wrenching scared.
And the worst part is I know inevitably, I’m causing my own failure.

I feel like I’m on shaky ground. I read into every single action I possibly can. I want to spare myself some short of rude shock that I feel is just waiting to happen.

This crazy haunting feeling.

I feel like running.

I just feel like curling up in bed. Not stepping outside anymore.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Random Weird thing about me #1

When I feeling awkward or trying to block out certain thoughts, I hum a tune (totally made up by me).
This gets me into trouble sometimes because I do it in public too!

The weird smirks and looks I get....

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Oopsie daysie now

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.


I hate awkwardness.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Cinammon lips

Damn I’m so sexually frustrated. There. I said it.

(God.. this is so embarrassing! I made a note to myself that there are some lines I wouldn’t cross on my blog. Some things I wouldn’t talk about. I mean seriously, who wants to read about sexually frustrated slash wrought female? But that was before. Besides, they say if you write about some things in your life that you can’t control, it helps make them bearable.)

I’m changing somehow. Things are waking up in me which shouldn’t be there. I don’t want them there!

I’m having needs. More like crazy wants.
I’m a woman now (god that sounds weird), I’m suddenly experiencing so much more… feelings.
I’ve been trying not to think about it over the last couple of months but it’s building up on me. I thought if I could just channel this “sexual energy” into say, work or exercise or even food.. it might not be so bad.
After all, my wants, need or emotions should not control me.

But it’s getting worse!
The other day I was studying together with my male hot friend – I was teaching him accounts – and wham! It just hit me. I know this sounds so so silly.. but he was.. biting his lips… and I wanted to kiss him! It’s not just any kiss… just.. god it became such an urge!
Where does this come from?
I see a cute, hot guy and I feel like pouncing on him.
This is not me. I do not think of such things. They’re not…. proper.

(By the way, I kinda “ran” away from him – I stopped seeing him and tutoring him, I figured it was the best thing to do)
It’s a good thing people can’t mind-read. God the things I’m starting to think about!

Yes, you’re probably thinking biological clock in me is ticking.. but I am not a clock! I don’t tick!
There’s nothing ticking in me. I don’t need ticking.

I can’t stop this change. I know, the only way is to accept it and somehow deal with it. Properly.

Excuse me, mister

I am not about to relive my past problems, thank you very much. I've committed this year to making new disasters.

Are humans selfish?

"Because at the heart of it, all humans are selfish. It’s a humbling thought, but to accept it is to accept one of the greatest universal truths, for in true human nature, the rejection of this idea is a selfishness in itself."

The truth sometimes lies somewhere near the middle of what appears to be a paradox
Some humans are selfish, some are altruistic, some are both, some are neither. Some are things you can’t even begin to imagine.
You can't paint all of humanity with the same brush. I politely disagree.

"We all want to see ourselves as altruistic benefactors at some point in our lives and so we make these choices which we call “sacrifice” where we put something or someone else ahead of the thing we want.

Only, we’re not doing that at all.In denying ourselves something in lieu of something else, that’s selfishness right there because we personally believe that the alternative will lead to better consequences, and ultimately, it is better consequences that we want. There is no “giving up” anything, because you get something in return with every choice you make. It’s Newton’s third law in practise all over again. You only ever give something up if you can have something better in return. Think about altruistic suicide and monks who have burned themselves to death because they believed that people would take notice and stand up for the cause that these very monks believed in."

Humans beings are at most times selfish, but their acts are not always selfish ones. The word "selfish" would lose all meaning because there would be, by definition, no act that is not selfish.
In fact there are many acts that we perform that are neither selfish or altruism.
So how can we be possibly defining a human as just one term –selfish?

Moving on.
Some will argue that if you run into a burning building to save your child, this is primarily selfish because you're simply trying to save your genes, or even because in the end you’re acting out on self-interest.
I disagree with this kind of thinking because it tries to biologically define concepts like love.
Now, often we cannot tell the difference between a selfish and an altruistic act-- because this depends solely on motive. Where do you draw the line? How can you possibly tell if something was done out of love or plain self-interest?

Why do you think we created morality? There must have been a reason that people came up with ideas of what's supposed to guide them.
Morality isn't the only thing that guides action, of course, or we wouldn't have to call it morality, we'd just call it a description of what people do.
Morality is a pressure we place on ourselves, something we want everyone in our society to take into consideration in their actions.

To this extent I'll agree morality is self-serving: by being in general a moral person towards others you've entered an agreement where you can expect them to be moral towards you. There needn't be any direct feeling of pleasure involved in a moral act, though, and the moral act can be very much against the personal interest at times.
But even so, morality is subject to question when we’re dealing with so many individualistic opinions on what it should be. What is said to be moral? Who calls the shots? Who actually says “Everyone.. this is moral and this isn’t.” To a certain extent, morality depends on the individual. If we can’t even define morality, amongst so many other complex issues, how can we define something so complicated as human behaviour? Selfishness?

Sure.. there are so many philosophers out there who’ve had their say on this matter.
Socrates argued that acting virtuously would itself make you a happier person- the more morally you acted the more personally happy you were (he said that this was because acting with virtue is good for your soul) . So from this point of view, morality is, in a way, the pursuit of self interest.

I don't understand. Why are you confusing selfishness with self interest? And why are you equating the feeling of “If I want something for someone else, and if that gives me pleasure, that is self-interest.. which is the same as selfishness?

Also there have been cases where a person, without much thought, will risk his/her life to save that of a total stranger. I'm not talking about acts where any degree of planning is involved, I'm talking about split second reflex-like actions such as pushing someone out of the path of a car and being injured or killed as a result. This seems like an altruistic act.

"You have to make choices to get what you want in life and this will always entail leaving something behind. So to me, there is no real sacrifice. There is only what you do or do not do. There is no such thing as holiness, only a choice to an end that will ultimately benefit you in some way, even if it’s just making someone else feel better so that the altruism reflects on you."

I think you may have left out other possibilities here.
There’re so many reasons why people sacrifice..

1. Empathetic Projection - They visualise themselves suffering in the same manner as the person or animal they are observing.

2. Behavioral Modification – Their culture has predisposed them by conditioning to feel pain upon seeing others in pain.

3. It is simply the intrinsic nature to feel sorrow that another person or living thing of any type is suffering.

4. They feel inept to change the situation and because of this, they feel a sense of powerlessness.

I could go on further here after all, the ball of refutation is in my court but I feel I should stop…

Partly because I’m beginning to feel a sense of anger and at the same time, a sense of hopelessness.

This is the one thing I loathe about psychologists and psychology.. no offense to anybody who’s doing psychology.. but please don’t assume that you know everything about human behaviour just because you’ve spent 10 or 20 years reading about it or more like reading about people have said. Not everything you read about is true and not everything that has been said by “the great whoever” is true.


I remember I had to "visit" a psychologist by the name of Yoges. She tried to define me.. tried to use all her sickening knowledge and tried to know me. I was so furious. But it was something I had to do, forced to do. So I decided, I'm going to try and fool her. I faked remorse, faked having an epiphany... everything... I gave her all the answers she wanted to her. Maybe I was a really good actress. Or maybe she was just dumb. I don't know. She didn't see through me. After a while, I had "recovered" from whatever was bothering me.

It was incredible, she said. The way I bounced back.

Whatever it is, it was easy to fool her. Psychologists can be wrong sometimes. They don't know everything.


Maybe I'm woefully wrong here.
Maybe there are some things we don’t know about. In the present world, we go out about making choices that benefit us the most. I admit. We do that. There are so many people out there who do things to make them be seen in the “good light.”

But at heart, human beings – once in a while- will surprise you. A few will prove that they are.. in fact not selfish. They may behave selfishly, make selfish choices most of the times… but I really don’t think that humans are selfish. I can’t say or explain myself any further. Just that.. deep down, I don’t feel that we are.


As long as you deal with, amongst other things, the world of illusions, and accept that the world of illusions deals with one's own vision of self, your statement is valid.


P.S. I mean no offense or disrespect to anybody.. I'm just trashing out my thoughts.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Top 8 signs you're suffering from a semester burnout

8.When your parents ask about grades you sing the Cookie Monster song "C is for cookie, thats good enough for me." (What about reciting the Count just to assure them you can at least still count to 3?)

7. You wake up to find your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just dont care. (Mmmm, nice and warm)

6. You've got so much on your mind you've forgotten how to pee. (Pee? Looks around in confusion)

5. One word: Sweatpants. (aka your pajamas, aka what you've worn for the past week)

4. You sleep more in class than at home (What's a bed again? I thought desks were designed for sleeping...)

3. You leave for a party and instinctivly bring your bookbag

2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday (My mantra: The weekend DOES exist, the weekend DOES exist, the weekend DOES exist...)

1. You think about how relaxing it would be to be in jail right now. (Ooooh, some exercise other than lifting my backpack! No books, no papers, no studying... *grabs some gasoline and matches* mwuahahaha



I'm happy that my semester is over. I was burnt out way before my exams.. and as result... I feel I've screwed it up. But no use beating myself up over that... I think my ass has been pretty sore with all the other beatings and blamings I've put myself through.

I'm glad it's over. The wait for my results is on though. Bleah.

I've got so much things to say though. Until my next post.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

The luxury of breathing

I apologise.

I’m sorry that when this avalanche called my life caved in, you were knocked down just because you happened to be there at the wrong time.
I’ll try next time to be a little more patient with you.
But recently, the world outside has raped and ravaged and left me for the flies and frankly, I’m too tired for self-preservation, too tired to be nice, to be proper, to be polite.

So if I leave you angry, hurt and confused, I apologise in advance.
It’s just that so many have sucked the marrow from my bones already. I’m hollowed.
I’m sorry.

You were sitting in class next to me, so quiet; so unlike you. You were so worried, so.. afraid.
But at this point, I don’t have enough leftover for someone to take another piece.
I know you’re trying to reach out to me. But I don’t want that. Please, I can’t handle that.
I only want your friendship, I’m so sorry I can’t give you more.

But I’m not all to blame. You tried to take it one step further, even after me telling you not to. You called me - too many times. I don’t like being pressured. I don’t like being crowded. I need my space.
You tried to control me. And that was your mistake.
You see, I’ve already dealt with a psychotic male (for far too long has he been in my life), I don’t want to go through that again. I know you’re not like him.
But your mannerisms triggered something deep within me. An instinct I can’t control. I snapped at you.
And now I’m standing in the ashes of the aftermath.

And no this is not an attempt to play on your sympathies.

I don’t like people telling me what to do and how I should be. Especially when they don’t know a single thing about me. Yes, you don’t.

On the surface, the waters are placid.
Every now and again, I’ll allow for the occasional ripple to rise. But these are really potential tidal waves carefully repressed.
At times I’m drowning, but never to the point of relinquishment.
You see that resilence (instigated by my father - and no he’s not a good person) resuscitates me. That and the warmth and love of a few close friends.

Then there’s this separate issue of almost single-handedly keeping things in order around the house. Of not letting any of us sink.
This madness continues and I barely have time (or maybe I’m just afraid to) to indulge myself, have a social life do whatever that’s normal.
No, this is definitely not what I signed up for.
This never-ending responsibility, an inherited burden that I couldn’t shake even if I tried. I wouldn’t be able to walk from, without feeling guilty for the rest of my life.

So here are my advanced derivatives:
I will never be able to tell all of this to you directly because it’s much too personal.
I will bounce back in my usual fashion. I know I will.
But also remember, this strong woman that’s got it all under control, is no less than the average human being, only capable to taking so much at one time. And on days like this, even the girl with her head screwed on straight needs to be able to make mistakes, needs to be able to not be polite and not always think about making the other person feel comfortable.
I just need to be reminded to breathe
Because not everyone, my dear friend,
Has this luxury.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Star light, Star bright

Starlight Star Bright
First Star I see tonight
If I may and if I might
Have the wish I wish tonight


“I look at myself in the mirrow this morning and I hardly recognise my eyes. They seem different somehow, I can’t place my finger on it.”

Econs test was a bit difficult. There were about 3 small questions I didn’t know. Sigh. I guess I can’t expect every single test to be like my accounts. (I think I’ll get full marks for it, I don’t mean to brag)

I had a weird dream, as always, last night. I dreamt of Uncle Eddie. He’s my mom’s brother and my favourite uncle. The closest male figure I had in my life; at least in some point of it.

I’ll tell you about the dream first before I ramble about him.

I dreamt he came down from singapore to see us and we were playing carrom board (and chess with my brother while I watched later on). We were having so much of fun, laughing away. Then it was night and he had to leave; apparently his flight was at night. I found it ridiculous, him staying for only one day and I kept protesting and pleading with him to stay. But he wouldn’t budge.
So I said, “Fine, I’m giving you a punishment then. You have to give me three kisses.”
He smiled and he did so. One on each cheek and one on the forehead.

Then I woke up.
I know, it seems like a simple dream but it brought me to tears when I woke up and felt the aftermath of it all.

We were very close to Uncle Eddie; me and my brother. Sabbie was too young. But he still doted on her anyway.
He taught my brother how to play chess. Which later became his passion, obssession, something he was so brilliant in, so much so that he surpassed his own master, way out.
He taught me to laugh (my childhood was a bit difficult, I'd forgotten how to for a while), taught me to be cheeky and other small things like playing board games such as carrom and monopoly.

He would always play tricks on us, especially during our birthdays; his “false presents” always got us fooled. His real presents were amazing. But it wasn’t his generousity that captured us, it was more of that bond that we shared. He would spend so much of time with us.

I remember the first time the “three kisses” came into play. It was my birthday and he wouldn’t give me my present until I gave him three kisses, one on each cheek and one on the forehead. I did so willingly, of course I also remember feeling a bit awkward because I wasn’t used to affection and especially with a “male”.
It became a custom, stretched further.
Everytime he had to leave, I’d demand he give me three kisses first, or else I’d hide the keys. He never protested, in fact we laughed about it; it was our own little “language” or own little “secret”.

But then, he stopped coming; mainly because of family politics. Vicious and jealous aunts (there are a few in the family; my mom’s sisters) would comment that he’s neglecting his other nephews and nieces and that he’s favouring us. I guess it affected him badly because he stopped coming to everybody’s houses after that.
I know I was so hurt and angry. I missed him, and I know my brother did as well. I was furious with my aunts and even more so with him. That he neglected and threw away what could have been the most precious relationship I could have had. I guess I got over it; but I was never quite the same.

He “disappeared for 5 years” until last year december when my mom was doing her major surgery. He visited her. Seeing him was nostalgic; such a stranger but oh so familiar. It seemed like a lifetime ago as well as a second ago.
He still wears the same cologne. Even after so long. I was so pleased (it actually ached) that I remembered the smell.

It’s weird how I dreamt of him.

I wish he didn’t disappear, that there was no gap. I wish I had time to catch up with him; to make him part of my life again; to be as we used to be.

There was a time when I would wish upon a star.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Moment in the eye

What's in a smile, in a laugh, in a moment in time when someone says something that strikes you as funny, and you begin to laugh prematurely with that hyper acute yet atypical sense of humour that has never stood you in good stead - and you realise that he has started to laugh as well?

What's in minor moments of mutuality that mean nothing on their own - liking the same foods, disliking the same aspects of people, and a country, thinking the same thoughts - being asked if you were thinking and knowing that, that was no question but rather an observation? Moments that suddenly become so important, you never thought it was possible.

Maybe it takes time to develop with friendships with most people, yet with a few - almost as if we are near duplicates of some celestial template - it flares up instantaneously from the first conversation.

Perhaps we can't help turning and looking that person in the eye at that precise instant; perhaps we can't help but laugh or be struck by odd similarities.
Perhaps we can't help but connect.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

State of Sang-froid

I seriously wish there were more than 24 hours a day. Really! How do you expect to get much done in those hours?
Do you know how many books there are in the library? How in the world are you ever going to finish all of them?
Okay.. I know this sounds weird but I was just wondering if it was humanely possible to finish reading every book (worth reading anyway) in the world in your lifetime on earth?

Hmm. It'll be such a waste if you couldn't though. That there're so many things that you don't know about.

Anyway, here I am typing a post when I should be studying. Sigh, the opportunity cost of blogging is really high (okay, so maybe I'm reading too much into economics but I'm seriously interested in it; especially Game Theory. I might do a minor in that. Maybe)

I hate doing group assignments. I'd rather do it on my own. I really don't like having to rely on other people. I want to do my own work so if I screw up, I can blame myself. Also, I would only permit myself to blame myself. I get furious if others try to blame me or put me down or take credit for what I've done.
It's not that I don't get along with Faz and Hoomun. They're nice guys, a little last minute, but nice. Hoomun's likes to banter with me. I don't know why, he seems to like to annoy me and tease me.
It's okay in the beginning, I'm game for it but after a while it gets... annoying and a little hurtful.
But still. I get along with them, but I'd really rather be on my own. At least where work is concerned.

I went out with Lorraine the other day during our lunch break. We were hunting for a nice top for her to wear to a party and she was really pleased with my choice, heh. It was fun.
But it feels a little weird because I know she likes hanging out with me, but deep down I know I'm holding back.
She's very touchy-feely. Sometimes she'll link her arm around mine or give me half hugs from the side. I don't mind it; but I don't really respond back.
It's funny, I know I'm an affectionate person but... just not with her.
I should shake myself, shouldn't I?
I know what I'm doing but I can't stop myself.
Somehow I just don't..... feel.

Oh yeah, I forgot. I've got Aikido later on. Yay. Speaking of which, I have to comment on something, but I'll do so on my next post.
My semester break is next week... I'll have one week off. I'm thinking of going to the Easter Carnival. It looks like fun. I have to study too though. My exams are in 6 weeks!

I'm feeling quite calm. Too calm. I'm busy outside but inside... I'm just.. calm.

Hah. You know, I'm going to look back on this post and laugh to myself. I'm just plain weird.

Can I get something off my chest though? I promised myself that I wouldn't think or talk about Anton but I feel like I have to. We were originally in the same Econs lecture but yesterday he changed his Econs tutorial to my class! The reason being, he wanted to have a proper break during the day.. something to do with his timetable.
This is not good!
So anyway, we seem to have the weirdest things in common!!

We were (Melissa, Pav, Robert, Anton and of course me) chatting during our lecture break. Favourite desserts came up and I was telling everyone that I'm craving for a banana muffin with ice cream on the top of it and Anton just finished my sentence! He was like yeah.. especially with cookies and cream or chocolate ice-cream... but the muffin has to be nice and warm so the ice-cream just melts slowly into it.
I was so stunned! Like how in the world could that have happened? He barely knows me! And here he is finishing off my sentences.
And get this.. we're both neat freaks... well actually just extremes. And he arranges his room table the exact same way as mine! (E.g. Stationery on a particular side, files and folders and all). God.. there's so many little things that we have in common, it's weird.
I hate and love that this is happening.


Thursday, March 23, 2006


Time really whizzes by. One minute I'm at the orientation, nervous as hell and the next minute, I'm plunged into so much of work and moving so fast.

And at this point, while I'm busy running this paper chase, pulling in long nights and everything else - I wonder if I'm losing anything as each minute passes. 10 years down the road, am I going to look back at this moment and say "Hey.. I should have chilled out and let loose for a while".
But I feel I can't afford to let loose, I can't afford to make any mistakes because this is the one chance I've got and I'm milking it for all its worth.
Lorraine asked me last week to go to this social pub in Hornsby on Friday; just near myhouse. It was a night thing; it would have gone on till around midnight or one. She seems quite taken in with me and eager to introduce me to the "Hornsby people". And what was most surprising was that my mom was okay with it. (But then again, if she kicked a fuss, I'd really have something to say about it. Gone are the days where she can cage me up).
I don't know. I was so conflicted. One part of me wanted to go and the other thought I was jumping in too fast. I don't want to put myself in an undesirable situation. Sadly, there're only a few people I really trust to go out like that with and they're not here.
In end I didn't. Mainly because I had a lot of work to do and I figured that my work was my priority. Maybe some other time. When I feel I'm ready. Besides, to be honest, I think I've seen so much of "pub life", that the thought of it sickens me. I haven't forgotten.

School life's pretty okay. Here, you really have to be "buddies" with your lecturers to get ahead. Not that I'm sucking up to them or anything. Just that I'm willing to work hard as well as let them KNOW that I'm working hard.
I don't like being manipulative. Really I don't. But I find that I have a certain knack of getting into the "good books" with tutors and teachers. As I used to be one (for a while anyway) I know what they like in a student and I'm making full use of it. Basically, I know I can charm the socks off them. I can use a certain amount of wits and knowledge to get them intrigued and willing to go that extra mile for me. And the knowledge of that just makes me sick.
I need my teachers to be on my side. So that I could learn as much as I can and get them to be my referees in my scholarship application.
The only thing that comforts me is that I'm not really resorting to desperate measures like using my physical appearance or worse my body to get what I want.
But still, I don't like being manipulative. Am I bitchy for being this way?

On another note, I was watching Rabbit Proof Fence and boy was it a terribly sad true story about the history of Australia. During the 19oo-1970, the "white" people were trying to eradicate the aboriginals by kidnapping their children and forcing them to marry the whites so that after 3 generations, their "colour" would be completely wiped out. And get this, it was completely legal. It's known as The Stolen Generations.

I just don't get how people can be so utterly cruel. What, you think just because your skin colour is white, that you're superior to other races? Where do they get such trashy ideals?
It's hard not to have hatred for these people.
The more I learn about humankind, the more angry and disappointed I seem to get.

Nevermind, I shall get off this topic.

Oh. Anton has a girlfriend. Pav actually asked him for his number outright in class yesterday. It's amazing how bimbotic and forthright she can be. She kinda embarrassed herself.
I don't think she's such a bad person. I think she was brought up in such a culture where she felt she needed to conform to society for her to be accepted.

Having said that. He wears absolutely gorgeous Armani cologne. Sigh.
Funny thing though, his cologne somehow got me thinking of a certain episode where I stole half a bottle of Hugo Boss from a certain "then" cute individual.
Seems like a lifetime ago.

Thursday, March 16, 2006


Stones taught me to fly,
Love, it taught me to lie,
Life taught me to die.
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly,
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on, courage,
Teach me to be shy.
Cause it's hard not to fall
And I don't wanna scare him
It's hard not to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's hard not to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Whoah Wee

Pav likes Anton.

Oh god she likes him. She was flirting with him and trying to get close to him in class. I don't really know how I feel about it. And I don't know why I'm feeling a bit peeved about it. It's not like I really like him or even know him to begin with.

Okay, so he looks quite cute when he's a little bored and cupping his face in his hands, and he always smells good and he's so smart that you want to read up yourself so that you could try to confuse and tease him or he has this deep chuckle that makes you smile anyway and those eyes which makes you wonder what he's thinking....

Pav likes him. I'm not sure if he likes her. I wouldn't be surprised if he does end up liking her. She is pretty.


Friday, March 10, 2006

The Start of School..

Oh goodness! Updates!

Orientation was weird for me.
It started at 11.00am and I had to be late! Of all the times! Jeez. The public transport here is not reliable, honestly. Or maybe I'm such a pampered Singaporean.
Anyway, I walked into the lecture room with everyone staring at me. A perfect start really.
I was stuck with a group of REALLY shy people. How disastrous! It was so hard for me to break the ice or even speak to begin with.
The thing with me is that when I'm with people who're really reserved, I tend to mimic them. But if you're friendly and outgoing, it's easy for me to be my insane, babbly self.
So nothing much happened. Just briefings, campus tour (which wasn't much use to me because I had already explored the place) and issuing of timetables.
In a nutshell, orientation was uneventful and utterly boring.

I was actually beginning to worry if this was how my university life was going to be like. But you know, it's not too bad.
During the past few weeks, I've managed to make friends with quite a number of people. Mostly locals. I feel like I'm in between, I'm not so sure where I fit in, the asians or the locals.

But anyway. My new-found friends.

Pav, a Punjabi Austalian born girl. I like that she's on the short side, like me. Heh. She's quite okay, a little bimbotic but so far quite harmless.

Varsity, a Fiji girl (she's the epitome of height!) who's so super sweet. She makes me feel comfortable.

Melisssa (whom I didn't want to call Mel, it's just too weird for me), a funky Australian; a karate instructor and pretty down to earth and funny gal.

Tristan. This was a funny story. We were put into groups in my marketing class to discuss some theory and he was really outgoing and smart and the both of us got into a nice little discussion. And then later I find out that he's "half-Singaporean". His mom is from Singapore and his dad is of course, Australian. Heh. He started teasing me about missing hawker food! He knows his stuff.
So anyway, he's the first guy I can more or less relax around. He's a little bit of a "geek" and a good guy. Think Seth from the OC.

Anton, a really mysterious, cute handsome guy who happens to be really smart. What can I say? I'm attracted to smart intelligent guys (but not to the point where you're utterly egoistic). Now this guy, I think, is a bit like me. Can be quiet and reserved and also chatty and outgoing.
Okay okay. So I'm a teeny weeny bit attracted to him (just a bit!) and I'd like to get to know him. We'll see if that happens.

Lorraine. I love this girl's name. Lorraine Tamara Gomez. Cool huh? She's as cool as her name, seriously. Now this is one person I love hanging out with. We have a lot of things in common and I can be myself around her, mostly. At least more than the others. And the best part is that she's staying in Hornsby as well! Just a few streets away.

So yeah.

Besides new friends, I'm flooded with work!
(Well.. actually I'm not really, it's just that the perfectionist and crazy person in me wants to do everything and read so many books.)
I haven't started work yet because I've had to change my timetable and adjust a few things. But I might do so next week.

I find that there's a slight clash with the English here. Most people go by American spelling and I was brought up with the British English. I don't know. I'm not going to change my way of writing. I much prefer Cambridge English.

I know this post is pretty general but don't worry I'll be sure to go into details soon. There's just too much to write about.
Until my next one.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Into dust

I've been having weird dreams lately.
In one, I was in my old house with my mom, brother, sister, Uncle Eddie, Shu and Beckie. And each were taking turns to get possessed and I remember being freaked out and telling my brother not to believe the nonsense that were coming out of their mouths.. when he suddenly turned to me with his eyes red and this sick grin on his face. I don't remember much of it, but I woke feeling very disturbed.
Then last night, I had a dream that Shu, Beckie and I were playing this "Bubble" game arcade thing where the biggest bubble at the end of 3 minutes win. At the beginning, it was Beckie's that was the biggest (hers was pink), followed by mine (purple) and Shu's the smallest(orange). We kept picking on Shu, destroying her bubble by sucking the air out of it when suddenly Shu persuades me with a Snickers bar to help her. I change sides! And we started attacking Beckie and at the end of the 3 minutes, Beckie's the smallest. Then I wake up.


On another note.

What is it with people? Do they expect you to be their punching bag and let you be target to snappish behaviour just because they're having a headache? Does that give them any right to behave that way?
It's funny how our relationship can come crashing down the drain by just a few words that she throws out.

I may be guilty of a lot of things, but not of being selfish. I really don't think so. Yeah I know I may be difficult or stubborn or whatever, there are a lot flaws in me, but I honestly don't think selfish is one of them. At least not my whole life, as you said so. Just because I say 'no' (and I have every right to do so) doesn't mean that I am. Am I supposed to keep saying yes to every of your whims and fancies?
I've always thought of her and of course him and have tried my best to give them what they should have. I know what I think and I know deep down who I am and what I'm guilty of.
I don't have to prove to you what I am or am not.

Maybe I should just leave things the way it is. I don't want to have to try so hard and have myself be put through such pain and caustic words. It really isn't worth it. I don't mind fighting. I know every relationship or friendship goes through such rough spots, but I don't think it should be this way and I shouldn't have to put up with this.The buck stops here.

Monday, February 06, 2006



I couldn't find a word to describe how I'm feeling today. I'm happy, happy! Firstly, I'm 50kg! Major achievement! I can fit into my old hipster jeans!! I still have quite a way to go, I must achieve my desired weight and figure.
But it's just good to see results. Ya know?

Secondly, my brother's secured a place in University. Finally. I thought he wouldn't make this intake, considering that he applied really late and all. I'm glad for him and myself. It's going to be some nice healthy competition. Hehe.

And, there's more... I'll be starting my licence in March! How cool is that!! Heh. I'm hoping to save enough money to get my own car by the end of the year. It'd be second-hand but I don't mind, it'll be my baby!
I'm waiting to get my timetable first, then I'll plan out my lessons.

House is back too. I absolutely love that show. And the OC.

Let me go all feminine and out of topic by saying that The Skin Doctor's Fade Away is really good for scars, pigmentation and stretch marks. It really works on me.

Oh and I had a haircut. It's quite short now, think Alexis Bledel from Gilmore Girls. It's quite cool, I can either go for the curls effect or the straight bob thing.

Ahh.. the simple pleasures of life. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to indulge myself in a nice chocolate and a good book.

P.S. Aporto's chilli chicken is yummy!

Saturday, February 04, 2006


I used to be proud of the fact that I can string proper coherent sentences together without much of a glitch. But then obviously my writing style - if any- does not compare and rival the cutthroat world of journalism - just a thought.

The days are mad, mad, mad.

I have so many useless thoughts rolling around in my mind and I'm just too lazy and tired to churn them into words.

That makes me so mad and so sad. I'm smad.

Hmm.. smad. Has a nice ring to it yea?

I think Whiskey is a nice name for a dog.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

In the Dark of the Night..

evil will find her! ~ In the Dark of the Night, Anastasia

Heh. I don't know why, I had a dream about that song. It was as though I was watching that movie in my mind and now I can't seem to get it out of my head.


Why do we look at an image? What do you see? A photograph (for example) triggers some sort of symbolic reaction, despite its much vaunted connection to supposed reality, sometimes it reaches beyond logic.
Sometimes, however, it brings dark to light, make the hidden seen.

I couldn't sleep last night so I started looking through some of my old stuff. I came across two pictures of myself when I was young. Two very rare and completely different sides of me. I decided to post it, just for fun.
What do you see?

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Proof that I'm a babbling freak

Because sometimes you have something you need to say but you can't because the words won't come out or you get scared or you feel stupid, so, if you could write a song, and sing it, then you could say what you need to say and it would be beautiful and people would listen and you wouldn't make a complete idiot out of yourself, but, all of us can't be songwriters so some of us will never be able to say what we're thinking or what we want other people to know we're thinking so we'll never get the chance to make things right again, Ever.
So that's why I have a blog.

Or maybe I just am insane and I need an outlet for it.

Sunday, January 29, 2006


I think I've lost the ability to write something even remotely worth reading.

I wish I didn't have a heart. I wish I didn't feel so much and so intensely over that. I'm terribly selfish. I'm feeling pain over someone else's happiness. How can that be? I should be happy for him.

The shadows grow darker and blur to solid black as I turn off the light each night and lose myself in sleep. I would sleep away these thoughts if I could, but they always return to haunt and mock me.

I'm feeling the gravity of it all. It's so heavy.

This pain. I know I have to ride it out. I hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just have to breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time, it can be managed but sometimes, it gets you where you least expect. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. I have to fight this through, you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Why is it all the men in my life, from my father to my boyfriends to my crushes and people I like, never stick around? Why do they leave? Why do they turn out to be jerks and hurt me?

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Taking a break from reading

1. What was your pet name for your last boy/girlfriend?
Never had one, a pet name I mean.

2. What kind of underwear do you think the person sitting next to you is wearing?
I'm alone and jeez.. I don’t think of such things!

3. Who is the last person you actually listened to?
My mom… she called me an hour ago to ask me to help her transfer her clothes from the washing machine to the dryer.

4. What is the last digit in your high school locker combination?
Never had a locker combination.

5. What is the next thing you think you will eat?
Oooh! I think I’ll eat my spring onion dip!

6. If you had to pick a crayon to eat, what color would it be and why?
purple - just to see what purple would taste like...

7. What's your favorite weather conditions?
about 10 degrees, partly cloudy, a little windy and low humidity

8. Who was the last person you told off and why?
Hmm.. that’d be Reuben.. my cousin.. he was very rude..

9. Chicken or Beef?
Chicken! (pok pok)

10. Favorite condiment?
Chilli! Oh and tartar! That’s two right… hmmm.. if I had to pick.. it’d be chilli

11. Last alcoholic beverage you drank?
Oh gosh... it's been so long since I've had one.. I’ve had wine though!

12. Last narcotic you ingested?

13. Ever get so drunk you ended up naked in a room full of people?
Hell no. Never.

15. Most attractive eye color?
Greenish blue..

16. Do men make passes at women who wear glasses?
Yeah why not? Some women look good in them. I don’t however.

17. What's the longest you were single?
Well… if you’re not counting the first 17 years of my life.. it’d be now.. it’s been close to 3 years.. and frankly I want to stay that way for another 3 years.

18. Favorite holiday?
Hmm.. i don't have one.

19. Favorite Fast Food?
Ahh! Tough one.. right now… it’d be kfc wicked wings! Yum..

20. Worst movie ever?
Out of Sight.. it’s so lame and boring..

21. Best conditions for getting drunk/high?
when alone and depressed or with a group of friends

22. What's the worst line you ever got shot down with?
Never tried

24. Hands or feet?

25. Cake or Ice Cream?
Ahh.. ice cream.. preferably chocolate! Of course..

26. If you were on a desert island with only your friends from friendster, how many would
you have sex with?
What? Uhm... none? Hello! Why is sex so important and so crucial for my survival?

27. What is the most likely reason you suddenly have to go into hiding?
Hmmm.. assassination attempt on somebody.. heh..

28. Are you more acrophobic (fear of heights), or claustrophobic (fear of confined spaces)?

29. You’re alone outside at night. Is this soothing or frightening?
Well.. actually, I love to just walk around at night. There’s something really soothing and relaxing about it. But here in Hornsby, it’s a little frightening.

30. Hottest place to get pierced?
I don’t like piercings… they don’t appeal to me…

31. Favorite video game?
Dota! Warcraft..

32. Favorite fictional character?
Gandalf, for the moment

33. Favorite reality TV show?
Hmm.. I don’t really watch.. but I think The Biggest Loser is quite okay..

34. If you were starving would you eat your pet?
WHAT?!? Hell no - I'd eat the grass

35. AIM/MSN SN of someone you don't like?
uhm, no way

36. Favorite movie snack?
Oh! Salt and Vinegar Chips.. the crinkle cut ones..

37. Goats or sheep?
Sheeps are cuter…

38. Favorite mode of transportation?

39. What's the first thing you say when you wake up?
Some sort of grunt? Heh.. silly question..

40. How many schools have you gone to?
9 altogether.. includes others not only educational ones..

41. What's next to your left hand right now?
My squishy pillow

42. Big arena show or club show?

43. Broadway play or sporting event?

44. Have you ever been fired?

45. Would you like go to space in the Space Shuttle?
Sort of, but I might be a little chicken..

46. Which foot do you kick with?

47. Last movie you saw?
Harry Potter GOB.. sad case that one…

48. How many blankets do you sleep with?
Just one nice one..

49. Are you missing something right now?
Yeah.. quite a number of things.. but the most is my chilli crab!! Damn it…

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I'll have fun when I want to, thanks.

It's almost as if she owns some chronological chart which tells you exactly how much fun you're allowed to have at every age.

Song of the moment

Imogen Heap The Walk

Inside out, Upside-down twisting beside myself
Stop that now,
‘Cause you and I were never meant to me
I think you’d better leave
It’s not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on

Alright then (alright then)
I can keep your number for a rainy day
That’s when its set,
No mistakes, no misbehaving
Ooh, I was doing so well
Can we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this,
so that makes it all your fault

Inside out,
Upside-down twisting beside myself
Stop that now,
You’re as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don’t make it harder than it already is
Mmm I feel a weakness coming on

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault

Big trouble, Loosing control
Primary resistance at a critical load
On the…on the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return, one second to go
No response on any level,
Red alert this vessel’s under siege
To a lower lever, systems failed, they’ve got control
There’s no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in, we’re ready to begin…Freeze… awake here forever,
I feel a weakness coming on

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah
No it’s not meant to be like this, it’s just what I don’t need
Why make me feel like this?It’s definitely all your fault

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault

Heh.. nice!

Your Eyes Should Be Hazel

Your eyes reflect: Intellect and sensuality

What's hidden behind your eyes: Subtle manipulation

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Why do you hate me?

Subconsciously, I think my brother hates me. I don't know why. I honestly don't. It gets to me sometimes. No, he's not mean or anything... at least not directly. He'll make jokes about me being a hippo or being nosy or him "running" away from me. Somehow he manages to crack everyone up, even me, at his antics and nonsense.
But it hurts sometimes, because I know I try and deep down he doesn't really trust which I think is absurd because I've stood by him and supported (literally!) for quite a while now. The weird thing is that he's completely different with Sabbie. He doesn't "disturb" her.. in fact, most of the time they're on the same side. And she's picking up her mannerisms and behaviour from him, which is not so much of a comforting thought.
What am I doing wrong?
He reminds me of Darren.. or vice versa. Though I think Dominic is more witty and perhaps more matured, they're both fun to be with, you can't help but love them. But somehow, they always make you feel like something's wrong with you and somehow their words hurt you.
How is that possible?

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Do you know the answer?

If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell or who can't taste??

Answer: Inability to smell is called "anosmia", Inability to taste is called "ageusia".

Friday, January 20, 2006

Painful wishes

I hope he's happy with his new-found relationship. It shocked me greatly, I admit. But I really hope he's happy. I wish him joy.

"I love you and that is my curse. But you don't know how to love- and that is yours."

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Just a small thought

It's hard not to be tough, independent and self-reliant. It's the way I am.
But it's also good to know what when you're unable to be, all you have to do is just ask and a hand comes to you. Whether or not it can pull you up, it's still there... holding you.
Giving you comfort.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Taurum per cornua prehende

Take the bull by its horn.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Good to be back

It's good to be back in Sydney. I missed it.

The flight was a little bad, so much of turbulence. And I couldn't get to watch my movies and play my games!!
What a disaster.
But other than that, things were quite good. I was kinda struggling with my suitcase, hand luggage and my laptop.. but people went all out to help me. Heh. I even had the young cute pilot help me lift my suitcase from the belt. Hehehe.
I appreciate it. I was hating myself for being so feminine and weak, but there are a few perks to it.

On a sombre note, my email account was de-activated. And all my precious emails that I had kept for the past two years... gone... just like that. And there's nothing I can do about it. God.. I was so upset. I should have saved them or something. Most of them were my comfort and inspiration.
Jeez. Not a very good start to a new year. I seem to be getting bad news over and over. I'm not so much of a superstitious person but this is not a good sign.

I have to get back to my routine. I missed my gym workouts.. I always felt healthier when I was here. I've put on 2 kg! Crap. I really have to work out and achieve my target before school starts. Oh by the way, everything is confirmed and settled. I managed to work something out with my godma (thank god for her really).

I'm nervous.
I'll be starting next month.
I have the pre-school jitters. I don't know if I'll be able to make any friends. I'm not so worried about fitting in. I'm secure in my own skin, I just dread being lonely in school. I don't make good friends easily. Sure I can always put on a facade and be all-friendly but they'll only know me on the outside.
I would really like to make new meaningful friendships, like the ones I have with Beckie and Shu. But I shouldn't really compare right? Those took a long time and a lot of effort. Besides, I have trust issues. The past few days have been hectic (So what else is new huh?) I've moved.. again. Only this time, it's in a different country. I've also been running around getting things for my school, filling up so many forms and other stuff. Honestly, just to get an exemption for one particular module, you have to go through so much trouble. I don't quite fancy the system here. It's slow, tedious and some of it unnecessary.

Oh goodness. What am I going to do about my school. I'm kinda freaking out in the quiet way. Jeez. We'll just have to see what happens. Oh, I've made some new year resolutions. One of them includes me putting my studies and work above everything else. I just don't think I'll have the time and the capacity for anything else.

I also can't wait to study! Heh. I know it sounds weird but I've always loved it. I love plunging myself so deep into it, reading and researching every single thing I can on that topic. I plan not to stop studying. Like, even while working, I hope to doing my Phd part-time or taking up a new degree or something. It'd be so cool if I have like 5 degrees!! Haha. I know.. it sounds mad, but I just would like it some day in the future. I would like to be my own boss, build up something on my own, maybe my own company. I've got a few ideas that I'm toying with, nothing concrete but it's a start right? Meanwhile, I'm trying to grab every business and financial book I can find. I'm already 21, I have to start now. I made a promise to myself. I will never let anybody make me feel helpless, whether it's financially or emotionally. I want to be untouchable in that department.