Thursday, October 06, 2005

Eye of the Storm

My bath-tub has become my refuge for the moment. There’s nothing like a dose of hot bubble bath to cure or at least temporarily soothe you. It’s strange, the first few moments of adjusting to that hot water, when it engulfs your body, that moment of pain feels good, so achingly real. It must have been an hour, but for that moment, everything is all right; as right as it can be in such a bloody world anyway.

But now the joy is gone and the sadness is back, the sadness that feels something like deserved. The price of some not-quite forgotten betrayal. I was lying there, thinking of this new option that was open to me, and I made my decision. Strange as it may seem, I made quite an important decision in a bath-tub.

So this is the path that has been given to me. I have to take it. At this point I can only trust myself. I’m sick of postponing my dream. I have to work and I have finally found a loophole. Hopefully, it works out.
I’m going to be working in a nursing home as an AIN (something like an assistant nurse, it's just basic patient care). I have to go for a 3 weeks’ course and then I’ll be able to start working, a working visa will be provided upon completion of the course. I’ve got in contact with this nursing agency and we’ll see how we hook up.
It’s kinda funny how I’ll be qualified in two totally different fields.
The things I have to do to pave my way.
I’m really not sure if this will work, but I’ll keep you updated.

In other news, at times, people just overlook you, your presence, your words, your actions, your behaviour and take you for granted. I hate that.
There are some things she just doesn’t understand about me. She told me to act my age. What she doesn’t realise is that age to me is honestly nothing but a number. I feel old, ancient and maybe at times too mature and adult. I make up for it by being silly. I try to make it balanced. I thought it was easy to figure.
But don’t judge me on something you do not know or understand about and have not yet experienced.
Sure, you don’t like having to share your space, but hey newsflash, I don’t either.
Quit tripping on me and just accept the way things are.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

It retracts before impact

Macquairie University called me up yesterday; asking me if I wanted to accept their offer for the October intake. It was heart-breaking. Really, this reminder of the abeyance I'm in now. What's worse is that I know I'd probably never accept help from others, which makes me feel more alone in this. I hate having to ask for help, especially in financial matters. It chokes me up and I feel inadequate and guilty.
So anyway, it's post-poned, again. I wish I had the capability to make my own decisions; in this aspect.

I'm so angry. Angry at the fact that they didn't have the brains to think of the future, angry that their mindless sqaubbling and fights have had more repercussions that they could possibly imagine, angry because they should have known better, they're older and supposedly to be wiser. I'm angry, because being angry about it changes absolutely nothing. And I can't help but think to myself, whatever have I done to deserve this? And that makes me more angry, because I hate thinking like this. So I'll stop now.

I sometimes feel like I'm running through the rain, hoping to see the rainbow at the end, or even my pot of gold.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful, but not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.