Sunday, October 02, 2005

It retracts before impact

Macquairie University called me up yesterday; asking me if I wanted to accept their offer for the October intake. It was heart-breaking. Really, this reminder of the abeyance I'm in now. What's worse is that I know I'd probably never accept help from others, which makes me feel more alone in this. I hate having to ask for help, especially in financial matters. It chokes me up and I feel inadequate and guilty.
So anyway, it's post-poned, again. I wish I had the capability to make my own decisions; in this aspect.

I'm so angry. Angry at the fact that they didn't have the brains to think of the future, angry that their mindless sqaubbling and fights have had more repercussions that they could possibly imagine, angry because they should have known better, they're older and supposedly to be wiser. I'm angry, because being angry about it changes absolutely nothing. And I can't help but think to myself, whatever have I done to deserve this? And that makes me more angry, because I hate thinking like this. So I'll stop now.

I sometimes feel like I'm running through the rain, hoping to see the rainbow at the end, or even my pot of gold.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful, but not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know it's hard to see a bright side to all this. And I can't say I can think of one right now but I will...because if you think about it, it's what will keep you going. And all the obstacles you've conquered till now, only ever made you stronger, wiser and humble.

The one thing you can count on is that things will change, because change is the sole consistant in life. Always darkest before dawn sweetheart. Hang in there. *winkles*

Uryale said...

Thanks babe.*hugs*