Sunday, December 25, 2005

Thanks but no thanks...

I was invited to a chalet (Gaya's 21st birthday) where I knew Don would be staying over for 2 days... I was a little tempted. But I chose not to. I think it's for the best.
It's funny how Gaya said she missed me, our friendship and how she's always seen me as a best friend.

How can that be? If you really treasured me, how in the world did you get in between my relationship with Don? Assuming that you had no part to play and that it was his entire fault, how could you go out with him and have sleepovers when you knew it tore me apart? Sure he was my ex-boyfriend then, but didn't you even stop to think how that would make me feel? Couldn't you have at least done all that after I got over him?
But I think it's best if I kept it this way. At least for me.

Oh yeah. Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Leaving it behind

The past few days have been tiring. It has mostly been me packing the things in our house (34 boxes). I wish my bro and sis had been more involved and had helped me out. It wouldn't have been such a strain on me. But I'm not going to waste my time begging them to help me.
That's a lost cause.

Our house is finally sold. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad about it. But I do know that I'm kinda relieved. I never really liked it, it's never been a home for me. Plus, it's been a little embarrassing because our neighbours know all about the stupid fights and drama that has happened between my parents. I've had to endure the "looks" that some of them will give.
I'm glad to be rid of it. It's a constant reminder of what went on inside. Plus, there's also the thing about the spirits in the house. Yes, at one time, we were disturbed by them. Mostly thanks to my brother. It's been quite freaky.
So goodbye Bishan. Thank you for your shelter.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Walking away

I've quit my job. Mainly because I'm not going to walk around in a "Nurse" or "Schoolgirl" outfit and rubbing against men, trying to persuade them to buy tequila.
No way.
Sorry Sarah. I'm not like you. And I would never enjoy it.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

No Jingles here

Christmas is coming. Yet, it doesn't feel like it. I've forgotten how it's supposed to feel.
Where is the laughter that you're supposed to bring me?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


Maybe the term 'soul mates' means that you're meant for each other but not necessarily meant to be with each other.
Maybe you gotta make it meant to be with. It's only halfway, the rest is up to you.
Maybe attraction is very misleading. It is often mistaken for rightness.
Maybe I made that mistake with him.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Something I liked..

"No one is born to courage. Courage is a habit you develop after cowardice has brought you nothing"

Me to Amanda

Monday, December 05, 2005


My mom's surgery went fine. It took a little longer but yeah, things are okay.
I'll have to take care of her now.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Surprise! Surprise..

God... of all the people to bump into. Don.
Here I was shopping for a new pair of jeans when I see him... with Gaya. Yes, I admit. I was jealous, a little. But nevermind. It was a little awkward but it was covered by Gaya's screams "Sera! Oh my gosh! Look at you!" and her bone-crushing hugs.
We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up the next day for a movie. Oh jeez.
Don. My first love and boyfriend. God, he had to look good. It's been 3 years since I last saw him and he's changed so much.
Anyway, the next day, we met up in the movie theatre and yeah... I was forced to sit next to him. It was so weird... I know he was trying to make me feel comfortable and to be honest, I did after a while. But the more comfortable I felt, the more uncomfortable I also felt. I know! It's just that I didn't want to ... I don't know.. relax too much.
He looks better, more confident, more matured and more settled. He's given up all his bad habits, it's really amazing. I see more of that side of him, more of those things that I fell in love with in the beginning. It was always there, waiting to come out.
He had to learn things the hard way though. But yeah, it was his choice and his path. He had to walk through. At least, now I know he'll be just fine.

We had a private chat when Gaya decided to disappear to the toilet (and she didn't come back for about 20 mins). The thing that surprised me was that Don knew me better than I thought he did. Only just a little though. And I realised that there's a huge flaw in me. I mean, I always knew I had this problem but I never thought of the enormity of it all. And it's hard to accept that this was one of the things that caused our relationship to shut down.

I have a communication problem. I didn't tell him exactly what was bothering me when I was with him. I let my insecurities catch up with me and control my behaviour. And this is so hard to accept, because I know I tried.
I did this with Don, to other people and even to my closest friends, even with Shu and Beckie, at least sometimes. I hardly fight with them. I'm always playing it safe and sometimes I overlook things and don't exactly speak my mind. I keep silent about the small stuff that bother me. I just don't know how to do so without sounding childish or petty. I'm always subconsciously behaving in a way that is proper and polite, even when I'm angry or disappointed.
I just don't get why I can't get past this. Or why I didn't see it before.
I think I'm my own enemy. I create voids and spaces by all the things that I don't say. Maybe I need someone to teach me to fight.

Anyway, just seeing him now, the way he laughs (more like guffaws), his wit, his weird impish chuckle... how he's so obssessed with Redbull and how I'm always warning him about how he's going to get diabetes... every single thing that I loved about him.. it's just so hard because I know nothing else can ever happen between us. Especially when he went spontaneous and told me exactly what he loves about me, what he missed, what he didn't appreciate. It's sad because I wanted to hear those words 3 years ago. So much. Now.. hearing that... makes me feel nostalgic. But still, it's not going to change anything.
I'm a different person now and I want different things. I don't think he could ever provide that for me.
Our chapter closed a long time ago. He's going to have to accept that I'll always love him (a small teeny part of me) but I'm over him.
Besides, I want someone else. Not him.

No. Wait. I don't want to want someone else even though I want him and eventually I won't want him anymore. In fact, I think I'm quite there already. Kinda. Sort of.

Here in my room

I love the warm comforting weight of my pillow.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Pieces of an old life

The weather here is so humid.

I love the way my grandma dotes on me. She embraced me with a single kiss, one that so clearly shows how she feels.
You just have to casually mention or comment on how you like this particular dish and the next day, she'd have prepared it for you, as though it was the most natural thing in the world to do. She'll pile on veggies and fruits, urging you to eat and elaborating on the goodness of every single thing she's offering you, lamenting on how you've lost so much weight and how you need your "strength". She'll feel offended whenever I mention eating outside.
Cooking is her way of showing and expressing her love. In that way, I guess I've taken after her. That and my small frame. And maybe other things as well.
I think she needs to be needed. She likes to mollycoddle you, like to take care of you. And she also likes to be taken care of, once in a while, when she can't handle things or when she's sick. I guess sometimes she feels lonely and would like to be reassured that there's always someone for her.
I'm exactly that wat too.
I think I'm her closest grandchild. Or at least I think I understand her most.

Women of questionable morals?

Okay updates. I'm working.
By the way, I'm grumpy and I think I have every right to be so don't expect much. If you don't like reading this, fuck, it's your problem.

I never thought I would actually do such a thing. I'm not a person who believes everything should be tried once. I think Beckie once said something like, you shoudl try everything three times. Once to get over the fear of it. Two, to learn to do it properly and effectively. Three, to figure out if you like it or not.
I think the general idea is a good motto, but it doesn't necessarily apply for everything.
There are still certain things I would never do, even if I'm dying on the streets or something.

Yet, I have stepped over my supposed "limits". I may be rebellious at times, but not in this way. I'm not the kind of person who's going to do drugs or pierce myself or tattoo or go late night clubbing or booze for a month non-stop without a second thought or care in the world.
I choose to escape in the different ways though.
I'm doing this for the money. I can't think of any other way. Wait, actually I can. There are other jobs but it will take a lot of time and I'm quite impatient in this matter.
(So don't look down on me or expect me to do something else or sprout some nonsense.
You've got it easy in that department. What the hell would you know about it?
Yeah I can be a bitch sometimes, deal with it. I thought I told you that I'm more than just nice. Or are you just so plain daft that you can't comprehend such a small fact?)

I don't consider myself to have lost any respect. I'm dressed decently and treated reasonably well. I don't think it's a compromising job. It's not bad really and I expect to earn about $5k by February. I promised myself that if I was ever in a situation where my dignity is severely questioned, then I would walk away.
I seemed to have clicked well with my male colleagues, some of them go out of their way to protect or watch over me. Maybe fate has decided to cut me some slack. Or maybe I shouldn't say anything yet, I tend to get bitch-slapped often enough as it is.

It's a tiring job. Your feet really really hurt. And considering that I have no experience whatsoever, it's a bit hardrer on me. But I hate what I see. Really. It shook me up badly the first few days, to see what bitches and bastards people really are, or can be. Actually, correction, I know what bastards and bitches people can be, but I guess seeing people screwing around in the toilets just does things to you.
I'm trying to keep things in the positive kinda way for me. I'd rather see the world for what it really is, rather than dwell in fairyland for the rest of my life. Of course, not all pubs are of a disgusting nature, but I can now understand why parents wouldn't want their children to go clubbing. Hell, I wouldn't want my sister to enter such a pub.

I don't know if I'm ever going to trust a guy, especially one who frequents clubs.

Anyway, I'm doing quite well. My manager (Bob) seems to like me. It's a good and bad thing, depending on how you look at it. You just have to ignore this rather "affectionate side" and spontaneous side hugs that he tends to reserve only for me.
Surprisingly I've adjusted well to the sleeping pattern. I work from either 7pm or 8pm to 4am or 5am or even 6am. I've got a transport to send me to my doorstep, which I unfortunately share with Bob. Actually, he's not bad. He's nice to me. I just don't want any complications.
I'm not too worried about my mom finding out, which is weird. I don't think I should explain myself. Besides, I'm an adult now. It's my decision, my life. If I'm taking on real responsiblities, you jolly well should let me have my own reins.

Today I saw an old classmate. She was out with another guy (kissing), cheating on her boyfriend. I'm just so disappointed.
I mean, I know I'm not supposed to be affected by all this, it's her business not mine. But I really can't help it. She's got almost everything. Looks, great family, friends, wealth, at least most of the essentials in the material world. I know I'm not supposed to judge on something I barely know about.... oh jeez. I don't know.
I wish it didn't bug me.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

SSDD- same shit, different day

I can't wait to meet up with Beckie. I'll have so much to tell her. It's hard to explain; but when we meet, she seems to give me some sort of x-ray scan or something and without saying much, she knows how I feel. And it'll just feel better.
For a moment, everything will be alright again; as right as it can be in such a piss-ache world anyway.

I will soon be with my closest and best friends and that always feels like coming home. For a week or two, that polarizing filter may lift a little. We will talk about old times, will laugh at our outrageous antics and update each other on our new lives. Together, we're still good. Together, we defeat time.

One if the things that has always inspired and comforted me

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow'sground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant
your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn..