Sunday, December 04, 2005

Surprise! Surprise..

God... of all the people to bump into. Don.
Here I was shopping for a new pair of jeans when I see him... with Gaya. Yes, I admit. I was jealous, a little. But nevermind. It was a little awkward but it was covered by Gaya's screams "Sera! Oh my gosh! Look at you!" and her bone-crushing hugs.
We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up the next day for a movie. Oh jeez.
Don. My first love and boyfriend. God, he had to look good. It's been 3 years since I last saw him and he's changed so much.
Anyway, the next day, we met up in the movie theatre and yeah... I was forced to sit next to him. It was so weird... I know he was trying to make me feel comfortable and to be honest, I did after a while. But the more comfortable I felt, the more uncomfortable I also felt. I know! It's just that I didn't want to ... I don't know.. relax too much.
He looks better, more confident, more matured and more settled. He's given up all his bad habits, it's really amazing. I see more of that side of him, more of those things that I fell in love with in the beginning. It was always there, waiting to come out.
He had to learn things the hard way though. But yeah, it was his choice and his path. He had to walk through. At least, now I know he'll be just fine.

We had a private chat when Gaya decided to disappear to the toilet (and she didn't come back for about 20 mins). The thing that surprised me was that Don knew me better than I thought he did. Only just a little though. And I realised that there's a huge flaw in me. I mean, I always knew I had this problem but I never thought of the enormity of it all. And it's hard to accept that this was one of the things that caused our relationship to shut down.

I have a communication problem. I didn't tell him exactly what was bothering me when I was with him. I let my insecurities catch up with me and control my behaviour. And this is so hard to accept, because I know I tried.
I did this with Don, to other people and even to my closest friends, even with Shu and Beckie, at least sometimes. I hardly fight with them. I'm always playing it safe and sometimes I overlook things and don't exactly speak my mind. I keep silent about the small stuff that bother me. I just don't know how to do so without sounding childish or petty. I'm always subconsciously behaving in a way that is proper and polite, even when I'm angry or disappointed.
I just don't get why I can't get past this. Or why I didn't see it before.
I think I'm my own enemy. I create voids and spaces by all the things that I don't say. Maybe I need someone to teach me to fight.

Anyway, just seeing him now, the way he laughs (more like guffaws), his wit, his weird impish chuckle... how he's so obssessed with Redbull and how I'm always warning him about how he's going to get diabetes... every single thing that I loved about him.. it's just so hard because I know nothing else can ever happen between us. Especially when he went spontaneous and told me exactly what he loves about me, what he missed, what he didn't appreciate. It's sad because I wanted to hear those words 3 years ago. So much. Now.. hearing that... makes me feel nostalgic. But still, it's not going to change anything.
I'm a different person now and I want different things. I don't think he could ever provide that for me.
Our chapter closed a long time ago. He's going to have to accept that I'll always love him (a small teeny part of me) but I'm over him.
Besides, I want someone else. Not him.



No. Wait. I don't want to want someone else even though I want him and eventually I won't want him anymore. In fact, I think I'm quite there already. Kinda. Sort of.
Nevermind.
Soon.

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