Saturday, June 24, 2006

Random Weird thing about me #1

When I feeling awkward or trying to block out certain thoughts, I hum a tune (totally made up by me).
This gets me into trouble sometimes because I do it in public too!

The weird smirks and looks I get....

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Oopsie daysie now

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.


I hate awkwardness.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Cinammon lips

Damn I’m so sexually frustrated. There. I said it.

(God.. this is so embarrassing! I made a note to myself that there are some lines I wouldn’t cross on my blog. Some things I wouldn’t talk about. I mean seriously, who wants to read about sexually frustrated slash wrought female? But that was before. Besides, they say if you write about some things in your life that you can’t control, it helps make them bearable.)

I’m changing somehow. Things are waking up in me which shouldn’t be there. I don’t want them there!

I’m having needs. More like crazy wants.
I’m a woman now (god that sounds weird), I’m suddenly experiencing so much more… feelings.
I’ve been trying not to think about it over the last couple of months but it’s building up on me. I thought if I could just channel this “sexual energy” into say, work or exercise or even food.. it might not be so bad.
After all, my wants, need or emotions should not control me.

But it’s getting worse!
The other day I was studying together with my male hot friend – I was teaching him accounts – and wham! It just hit me. I know this sounds so so silly.. but he was.. biting his lips… and I wanted to kiss him! It’s not just any kiss… just.. god it became such an urge!
Where does this come from?
I see a cute, hot guy and I feel like pouncing on him.
This is not me. I do not think of such things. They’re not…. proper.

(By the way, I kinda “ran” away from him – I stopped seeing him and tutoring him, I figured it was the best thing to do)
It’s a good thing people can’t mind-read. God the things I’m starting to think about!

Yes, you’re probably thinking biological clock in me is ticking.. but I am not a clock! I don’t tick!
There’s nothing ticking in me. I don’t need ticking.

I can’t stop this change. I know, the only way is to accept it and somehow deal with it. Properly.

Excuse me, mister

I am not about to relive my past problems, thank you very much. I've committed this year to making new disasters.

Are humans selfish?

"Because at the heart of it, all humans are selfish. It’s a humbling thought, but to accept it is to accept one of the greatest universal truths, for in true human nature, the rejection of this idea is a selfishness in itself."

The truth sometimes lies somewhere near the middle of what appears to be a paradox
Some humans are selfish, some are altruistic, some are both, some are neither. Some are things you can’t even begin to imagine.
You can't paint all of humanity with the same brush. I politely disagree.

"We all want to see ourselves as altruistic benefactors at some point in our lives and so we make these choices which we call “sacrifice” where we put something or someone else ahead of the thing we want.

Only, we’re not doing that at all.In denying ourselves something in lieu of something else, that’s selfishness right there because we personally believe that the alternative will lead to better consequences, and ultimately, it is better consequences that we want. There is no “giving up” anything, because you get something in return with every choice you make. It’s Newton’s third law in practise all over again. You only ever give something up if you can have something better in return. Think about altruistic suicide and monks who have burned themselves to death because they believed that people would take notice and stand up for the cause that these very monks believed in."

Humans beings are at most times selfish, but their acts are not always selfish ones. The word "selfish" would lose all meaning because there would be, by definition, no act that is not selfish.
In fact there are many acts that we perform that are neither selfish or altruism.
So how can we be possibly defining a human as just one term –selfish?

Moving on.
Some will argue that if you run into a burning building to save your child, this is primarily selfish because you're simply trying to save your genes, or even because in the end you’re acting out on self-interest.
I disagree with this kind of thinking because it tries to biologically define concepts like love.
Now, often we cannot tell the difference between a selfish and an altruistic act-- because this depends solely on motive. Where do you draw the line? How can you possibly tell if something was done out of love or plain self-interest?

Why do you think we created morality? There must have been a reason that people came up with ideas of what's supposed to guide them.
Morality isn't the only thing that guides action, of course, or we wouldn't have to call it morality, we'd just call it a description of what people do.
Morality is a pressure we place on ourselves, something we want everyone in our society to take into consideration in their actions.

To this extent I'll agree morality is self-serving: by being in general a moral person towards others you've entered an agreement where you can expect them to be moral towards you. There needn't be any direct feeling of pleasure involved in a moral act, though, and the moral act can be very much against the personal interest at times.
But even so, morality is subject to question when we’re dealing with so many individualistic opinions on what it should be. What is said to be moral? Who calls the shots? Who actually says “Everyone.. this is moral and this isn’t.” To a certain extent, morality depends on the individual. If we can’t even define morality, amongst so many other complex issues, how can we define something so complicated as human behaviour? Selfishness?

Sure.. there are so many philosophers out there who’ve had their say on this matter.
Socrates argued that acting virtuously would itself make you a happier person- the more morally you acted the more personally happy you were (he said that this was because acting with virtue is good for your soul) . So from this point of view, morality is, in a way, the pursuit of self interest.

I don't understand. Why are you confusing selfishness with self interest? And why are you equating the feeling of “If I want something for someone else, and if that gives me pleasure, that is self-interest.. which is the same as selfishness?

Also there have been cases where a person, without much thought, will risk his/her life to save that of a total stranger. I'm not talking about acts where any degree of planning is involved, I'm talking about split second reflex-like actions such as pushing someone out of the path of a car and being injured or killed as a result. This seems like an altruistic act.

"You have to make choices to get what you want in life and this will always entail leaving something behind. So to me, there is no real sacrifice. There is only what you do or do not do. There is no such thing as holiness, only a choice to an end that will ultimately benefit you in some way, even if it’s just making someone else feel better so that the altruism reflects on you."

I think you may have left out other possibilities here.
There’re so many reasons why people sacrifice..

1. Empathetic Projection - They visualise themselves suffering in the same manner as the person or animal they are observing.

2. Behavioral Modification – Their culture has predisposed them by conditioning to feel pain upon seeing others in pain.

3. It is simply the intrinsic nature to feel sorrow that another person or living thing of any type is suffering.

4. They feel inept to change the situation and because of this, they feel a sense of powerlessness.

I could go on further here after all, the ball of refutation is in my court but I feel I should stop…

Partly because I’m beginning to feel a sense of anger and at the same time, a sense of hopelessness.

This is the one thing I loathe about psychologists and psychology.. no offense to anybody who’s doing psychology.. but please don’t assume that you know everything about human behaviour just because you’ve spent 10 or 20 years reading about it or more like reading about people have said. Not everything you read about is true and not everything that has been said by “the great whoever” is true.


I remember I had to "visit" a psychologist by the name of Yoges. She tried to define me.. tried to use all her sickening knowledge and tried to know me. I was so furious. But it was something I had to do, forced to do. So I decided, I'm going to try and fool her. I faked remorse, faked having an epiphany... everything... I gave her all the answers she wanted to her. Maybe I was a really good actress. Or maybe she was just dumb. I don't know. She didn't see through me. After a while, I had "recovered" from whatever was bothering me.

It was incredible, she said. The way I bounced back.

Whatever it is, it was easy to fool her. Psychologists can be wrong sometimes. They don't know everything.


Maybe I'm woefully wrong here.
Maybe there are some things we don’t know about. In the present world, we go out about making choices that benefit us the most. I admit. We do that. There are so many people out there who do things to make them be seen in the “good light.”

But at heart, human beings – once in a while- will surprise you. A few will prove that they are.. in fact not selfish. They may behave selfishly, make selfish choices most of the times… but I really don’t think that humans are selfish. I can’t say or explain myself any further. Just that.. deep down, I don’t feel that we are.


As long as you deal with, amongst other things, the world of illusions, and accept that the world of illusions deals with one's own vision of self, your statement is valid.


P.S. I mean no offense or disrespect to anybody.. I'm just trashing out my thoughts.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Top 8 signs you're suffering from a semester burnout

8.When your parents ask about grades you sing the Cookie Monster song "C is for cookie, thats good enough for me." (What about reciting the Count just to assure them you can at least still count to 3?)

7. You wake up to find your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just dont care. (Mmmm, nice and warm)

6. You've got so much on your mind you've forgotten how to pee. (Pee? Looks around in confusion)

5. One word: Sweatpants. (aka your pajamas, aka what you've worn for the past week)

4. You sleep more in class than at home (What's a bed again? I thought desks were designed for sleeping...)

3. You leave for a party and instinctivly bring your bookbag

2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday (My mantra: The weekend DOES exist, the weekend DOES exist, the weekend DOES exist...)

1. You think about how relaxing it would be to be in jail right now. (Ooooh, some exercise other than lifting my backpack! No books, no papers, no studying... *grabs some gasoline and matches* mwuahahaha



I'm happy that my semester is over. I was burnt out way before my exams.. and as result... I feel I've screwed it up. But no use beating myself up over that... I think my ass has been pretty sore with all the other beatings and blamings I've put myself through.

I'm glad it's over. The wait for my results is on though. Bleah.

I've got so much things to say though. Until my next post.