Sunday, December 25, 2005

Thanks but no thanks...

I was invited to a chalet (Gaya's 21st birthday) where I knew Don would be staying over for 2 days... I was a little tempted. But I chose not to. I think it's for the best.
It's funny how Gaya said she missed me, our friendship and how she's always seen me as a best friend.

How can that be? If you really treasured me, how in the world did you get in between my relationship with Don? Assuming that you had no part to play and that it was his entire fault, how could you go out with him and have sleepovers when you knew it tore me apart? Sure he was my ex-boyfriend then, but didn't you even stop to think how that would make me feel? Couldn't you have at least done all that after I got over him?
But I think it's best if I kept it this way. At least for me.

Oh yeah. Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Leaving it behind

The past few days have been tiring. It has mostly been me packing the things in our house (34 boxes). I wish my bro and sis had been more involved and had helped me out. It wouldn't have been such a strain on me. But I'm not going to waste my time begging them to help me.
That's a lost cause.

Our house is finally sold. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad about it. But I do know that I'm kinda relieved. I never really liked it, it's never been a home for me. Plus, it's been a little embarrassing because our neighbours know all about the stupid fights and drama that has happened between my parents. I've had to endure the "looks" that some of them will give.
I'm glad to be rid of it. It's a constant reminder of what went on inside. Plus, there's also the thing about the spirits in the house. Yes, at one time, we were disturbed by them. Mostly thanks to my brother. It's been quite freaky.
So goodbye Bishan. Thank you for your shelter.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Walking away

I've quit my job. Mainly because I'm not going to walk around in a "Nurse" or "Schoolgirl" outfit and rubbing against men, trying to persuade them to buy tequila.
No way.
Sorry Sarah. I'm not like you. And I would never enjoy it.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

No Jingles here

Christmas is coming. Yet, it doesn't feel like it. I've forgotten how it's supposed to feel.
Where is the laughter that you're supposed to bring me?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


Maybe the term 'soul mates' means that you're meant for each other but not necessarily meant to be with each other.
Maybe you gotta make it meant to be with. It's only halfway, the rest is up to you.
Maybe attraction is very misleading. It is often mistaken for rightness.
Maybe I made that mistake with him.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Something I liked..

"No one is born to courage. Courage is a habit you develop after cowardice has brought you nothing"

Me to Amanda

Monday, December 05, 2005


My mom's surgery went fine. It took a little longer but yeah, things are okay.
I'll have to take care of her now.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Surprise! Surprise..

God... of all the people to bump into. Don.
Here I was shopping for a new pair of jeans when I see him... with Gaya. Yes, I admit. I was jealous, a little. But nevermind. It was a little awkward but it was covered by Gaya's screams "Sera! Oh my gosh! Look at you!" and her bone-crushing hugs.
We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up the next day for a movie. Oh jeez.
Don. My first love and boyfriend. God, he had to look good. It's been 3 years since I last saw him and he's changed so much.
Anyway, the next day, we met up in the movie theatre and yeah... I was forced to sit next to him. It was so weird... I know he was trying to make me feel comfortable and to be honest, I did after a while. But the more comfortable I felt, the more uncomfortable I also felt. I know! It's just that I didn't want to ... I don't know.. relax too much.
He looks better, more confident, more matured and more settled. He's given up all his bad habits, it's really amazing. I see more of that side of him, more of those things that I fell in love with in the beginning. It was always there, waiting to come out.
He had to learn things the hard way though. But yeah, it was his choice and his path. He had to walk through. At least, now I know he'll be just fine.

We had a private chat when Gaya decided to disappear to the toilet (and she didn't come back for about 20 mins). The thing that surprised me was that Don knew me better than I thought he did. Only just a little though. And I realised that there's a huge flaw in me. I mean, I always knew I had this problem but I never thought of the enormity of it all. And it's hard to accept that this was one of the things that caused our relationship to shut down.

I have a communication problem. I didn't tell him exactly what was bothering me when I was with him. I let my insecurities catch up with me and control my behaviour. And this is so hard to accept, because I know I tried.
I did this with Don, to other people and even to my closest friends, even with Shu and Beckie, at least sometimes. I hardly fight with them. I'm always playing it safe and sometimes I overlook things and don't exactly speak my mind. I keep silent about the small stuff that bother me. I just don't know how to do so without sounding childish or petty. I'm always subconsciously behaving in a way that is proper and polite, even when I'm angry or disappointed.
I just don't get why I can't get past this. Or why I didn't see it before.
I think I'm my own enemy. I create voids and spaces by all the things that I don't say. Maybe I need someone to teach me to fight.

Anyway, just seeing him now, the way he laughs (more like guffaws), his wit, his weird impish chuckle... how he's so obssessed with Redbull and how I'm always warning him about how he's going to get diabetes... every single thing that I loved about him.. it's just so hard because I know nothing else can ever happen between us. Especially when he went spontaneous and told me exactly what he loves about me, what he missed, what he didn't appreciate. It's sad because I wanted to hear those words 3 years ago. So much. Now.. hearing that... makes me feel nostalgic. But still, it's not going to change anything.
I'm a different person now and I want different things. I don't think he could ever provide that for me.
Our chapter closed a long time ago. He's going to have to accept that I'll always love him (a small teeny part of me) but I'm over him.
Besides, I want someone else. Not him.

No. Wait. I don't want to want someone else even though I want him and eventually I won't want him anymore. In fact, I think I'm quite there already. Kinda. Sort of.

Here in my room

I love the warm comforting weight of my pillow.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Pieces of an old life

The weather here is so humid.

I love the way my grandma dotes on me. She embraced me with a single kiss, one that so clearly shows how she feels.
You just have to casually mention or comment on how you like this particular dish and the next day, she'd have prepared it for you, as though it was the most natural thing in the world to do. She'll pile on veggies and fruits, urging you to eat and elaborating on the goodness of every single thing she's offering you, lamenting on how you've lost so much weight and how you need your "strength". She'll feel offended whenever I mention eating outside.
Cooking is her way of showing and expressing her love. In that way, I guess I've taken after her. That and my small frame. And maybe other things as well.
I think she needs to be needed. She likes to mollycoddle you, like to take care of you. And she also likes to be taken care of, once in a while, when she can't handle things or when she's sick. I guess sometimes she feels lonely and would like to be reassured that there's always someone for her.
I'm exactly that wat too.
I think I'm her closest grandchild. Or at least I think I understand her most.

Women of questionable morals?

Okay updates. I'm working.
By the way, I'm grumpy and I think I have every right to be so don't expect much. If you don't like reading this, fuck, it's your problem.

I never thought I would actually do such a thing. I'm not a person who believes everything should be tried once. I think Beckie once said something like, you shoudl try everything three times. Once to get over the fear of it. Two, to learn to do it properly and effectively. Three, to figure out if you like it or not.
I think the general idea is a good motto, but it doesn't necessarily apply for everything.
There are still certain things I would never do, even if I'm dying on the streets or something.

Yet, I have stepped over my supposed "limits". I may be rebellious at times, but not in this way. I'm not the kind of person who's going to do drugs or pierce myself or tattoo or go late night clubbing or booze for a month non-stop without a second thought or care in the world.
I choose to escape in the different ways though.
I'm doing this for the money. I can't think of any other way. Wait, actually I can. There are other jobs but it will take a lot of time and I'm quite impatient in this matter.
(So don't look down on me or expect me to do something else or sprout some nonsense.
You've got it easy in that department. What the hell would you know about it?
Yeah I can be a bitch sometimes, deal with it. I thought I told you that I'm more than just nice. Or are you just so plain daft that you can't comprehend such a small fact?)

I don't consider myself to have lost any respect. I'm dressed decently and treated reasonably well. I don't think it's a compromising job. It's not bad really and I expect to earn about $5k by February. I promised myself that if I was ever in a situation where my dignity is severely questioned, then I would walk away.
I seemed to have clicked well with my male colleagues, some of them go out of their way to protect or watch over me. Maybe fate has decided to cut me some slack. Or maybe I shouldn't say anything yet, I tend to get bitch-slapped often enough as it is.

It's a tiring job. Your feet really really hurt. And considering that I have no experience whatsoever, it's a bit hardrer on me. But I hate what I see. Really. It shook me up badly the first few days, to see what bitches and bastards people really are, or can be. Actually, correction, I know what bastards and bitches people can be, but I guess seeing people screwing around in the toilets just does things to you.
I'm trying to keep things in the positive kinda way for me. I'd rather see the world for what it really is, rather than dwell in fairyland for the rest of my life. Of course, not all pubs are of a disgusting nature, but I can now understand why parents wouldn't want their children to go clubbing. Hell, I wouldn't want my sister to enter such a pub.

I don't know if I'm ever going to trust a guy, especially one who frequents clubs.

Anyway, I'm doing quite well. My manager (Bob) seems to like me. It's a good and bad thing, depending on how you look at it. You just have to ignore this rather "affectionate side" and spontaneous side hugs that he tends to reserve only for me.
Surprisingly I've adjusted well to the sleeping pattern. I work from either 7pm or 8pm to 4am or 5am or even 6am. I've got a transport to send me to my doorstep, which I unfortunately share with Bob. Actually, he's not bad. He's nice to me. I just don't want any complications.
I'm not too worried about my mom finding out, which is weird. I don't think I should explain myself. Besides, I'm an adult now. It's my decision, my life. If I'm taking on real responsiblities, you jolly well should let me have my own reins.

Today I saw an old classmate. She was out with another guy (kissing), cheating on her boyfriend. I'm just so disappointed.
I mean, I know I'm not supposed to be affected by all this, it's her business not mine. But I really can't help it. She's got almost everything. Looks, great family, friends, wealth, at least most of the essentials in the material world. I know I'm not supposed to judge on something I barely know about.... oh jeez. I don't know.
I wish it didn't bug me.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

SSDD- same shit, different day

I can't wait to meet up with Beckie. I'll have so much to tell her. It's hard to explain; but when we meet, she seems to give me some sort of x-ray scan or something and without saying much, she knows how I feel. And it'll just feel better.
For a moment, everything will be alright again; as right as it can be in such a piss-ache world anyway.

I will soon be with my closest and best friends and that always feels like coming home. For a week or two, that polarizing filter may lift a little. We will talk about old times, will laugh at our outrageous antics and update each other on our new lives. Together, we're still good. Together, we defeat time.

One if the things that has always inspired and comforted me

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow'sground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant
your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn..

Monday, November 28, 2005

Close one eye, will ya?

I'm going to cheat a little. I'm going to key in "past" entries. See, when I was in Singapore, I didn't have any internet access. So I kinda typed my entries into my laptop. Now I'm just going to transfer them into my blog! Heh.
Technically, the entries are accurate... just updated late.

(5th January10.42am)

Monday, November 21, 2005

The games that play us

My father's sore with me.
Note to reader: Yes.. he's my father now. I no longer regard him as my dad. You'll see why.
And he's decided to take revenge on me by boy-cotting all of us.

I stood up against him when he was in a ridiculous behaviour with my mom. I won't go into details because well... I just don't wish to. There are certain things I won't say. Suffice it to say that he was completely making a mountain out of dust and I was just so sick of it all.
So, I told him what I thought. And I think I was extremely tactful about it. Still, he's not happy that I did not support him. You see, in my family, whenever there's an argument between my mom and my father, we (the children) are always dragged into it. We're the referees. We're supposed to take sides. At least my dad tries to make us do so. He expected me to take his side just because we "made up", just because we've healed our relationship.
But I'm not that way. I tell it like how it is. If you're in the wrong and I don't like what you're doing, I'll tell it to you.
And so now, because of this he's abandoned us financially. He's already told my mom that he wants half of his rightful share of his assets and he's broken his promise to my brother, his promise to sponsor his university education.
I know what he's doing. He's hoping to make me feel guilty, make me feel like I caused all this. And that without him, we won't make it. In a way, I feel terrible, because my brother honestly doesn't deserve this.
What's worse is that we can't really retaliate because my father is one person who will bring you down with him. He'll make such a scene and dramatise everything that we might get deported back to Singapore to settle our family dispute and possible divorce.
In short, we've been screwed.

Honestly, you're so stupid. You think that we won't make it. I thought you would have grown enough brains to realise that we can survive without your bloody money. Have you learnt nothing in 2000? You're only giving me more fuel to fly harder and higher.
We will get our house and we will have our education. I will personally make sure of it, even if I have to work two jobs. You disgust me. You're not even worth my anger and disappointment. You have never been a father to us and you never will. Leave now and never come back. Don't you ever dare come back.
You think money is everything. I would have traded all your "travelling and plane tickets" for genuine love and sincerity in a heartbeat. You know nothing of love.

I am not alone in this fight. I have friends and family who love me unconditionally and who's going to support me all the way. I will start my education in February and you're not going to stop me.
Get lost you piece of trash.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

I know!!!

I've been busy.. and I've neglected you...

Please bear with me.. I promise to update soon.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Eye of the Storm

My bath-tub has become my refuge for the moment. There’s nothing like a dose of hot bubble bath to cure or at least temporarily soothe you. It’s strange, the first few moments of adjusting to that hot water, when it engulfs your body, that moment of pain feels good, so achingly real. It must have been an hour, but for that moment, everything is all right; as right as it can be in such a bloody world anyway.

But now the joy is gone and the sadness is back, the sadness that feels something like deserved. The price of some not-quite forgotten betrayal. I was lying there, thinking of this new option that was open to me, and I made my decision. Strange as it may seem, I made quite an important decision in a bath-tub.

So this is the path that has been given to me. I have to take it. At this point I can only trust myself. I’m sick of postponing my dream. I have to work and I have finally found a loophole. Hopefully, it works out.
I’m going to be working in a nursing home as an AIN (something like an assistant nurse, it's just basic patient care). I have to go for a 3 weeks’ course and then I’ll be able to start working, a working visa will be provided upon completion of the course. I’ve got in contact with this nursing agency and we’ll see how we hook up.
It’s kinda funny how I’ll be qualified in two totally different fields.
The things I have to do to pave my way.
I’m really not sure if this will work, but I’ll keep you updated.

In other news, at times, people just overlook you, your presence, your words, your actions, your behaviour and take you for granted. I hate that.
There are some things she just doesn’t understand about me. She told me to act my age. What she doesn’t realise is that age to me is honestly nothing but a number. I feel old, ancient and maybe at times too mature and adult. I make up for it by being silly. I try to make it balanced. I thought it was easy to figure.
But don’t judge me on something you do not know or understand about and have not yet experienced.
Sure, you don’t like having to share your space, but hey newsflash, I don’t either.
Quit tripping on me and just accept the way things are.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

It retracts before impact

Macquairie University called me up yesterday; asking me if I wanted to accept their offer for the October intake. It was heart-breaking. Really, this reminder of the abeyance I'm in now. What's worse is that I know I'd probably never accept help from others, which makes me feel more alone in this. I hate having to ask for help, especially in financial matters. It chokes me up and I feel inadequate and guilty.
So anyway, it's post-poned, again. I wish I had the capability to make my own decisions; in this aspect.

I'm so angry. Angry at the fact that they didn't have the brains to think of the future, angry that their mindless sqaubbling and fights have had more repercussions that they could possibly imagine, angry because they should have known better, they're older and supposedly to be wiser. I'm angry, because being angry about it changes absolutely nothing. And I can't help but think to myself, whatever have I done to deserve this? And that makes me more angry, because I hate thinking like this. So I'll stop now.

I sometimes feel like I'm running through the rain, hoping to see the rainbow at the end, or even my pot of gold.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful, but not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I thrive on


The dynamics of everything has changed so much, with the addition of my dad and brother here. It's hard to keep up with what's going on.

But wait. Happy sweet 16th birthday my dear sis. What can I say? It's been a long interesting ride. But yet, I'm proud of you, even with your many annoying flaws and hiccoups, proud of the girl you're turning out to be. You've grown into a beautiful, cheeky, moody, annoyingly exasperating, smart and absolutely adorable creature. Heh. But no matter what, you'll always be my little (though just a little bit taller) sister. And I love you, unconditionally. You should know that.
You're both my mirror and my opposite, Sabbie, and no matter what, with all the "competition" or arguments we may have, I believe my relationship with you will become the strongest within us.
My birthday wish for you, is not that you should never be hurt or experience pain, though sometimes I want to save you from all the troubles and pits you may fall into. I've accepted that you have to go through your own set of troubles and difficulties, but through it all, I hope you'd come out stronger and better. I wish for you to have strength; strength to acknowledge and seek help when you're down, strength to overcome it all and most of all, strength to love yourself even after all the mistakes you've made.
I am here and will always be here for you. Don't ever forget that.

So anyway.

It's funny how everything you've learnt from a single relationship with a person goes right out of the window, when everyone comes together, jumbled up.
My brother's being much nicer to me now though. The same old disturbing and goofing around with me, but yet nicer. It's weird. It's like we're slowly coming together. But I still feel as though I'm older than him, sometimes, in the sense that I take care of him more than he can ever take care of me.

My dad's pretty much the same. My mom's more stressed and irritable now, but I guess that'll pass. Soon enough. I'm continually being forced to make decisions based on circumstances, and not by choice. I'm once again, faced with a brick wall.

I've forgotten what it feels like to be a daughter. In fact, I can't even remember if I've even felt that. I've lived a thousand lives, a mother, a housewife, a watcher, a cook.. you name it I've been it.. It's weird, but I guess I should accept it right?

Oh well.

I'm not starting anything anew, just refreshing the page where it last froze.

where are we? what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just began to fall
crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling spin me around again and rub my eyes
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines?
all those years they were here first
oily marks appear on walls where pleasue moments hung before the takeover,

the sweeping insensitivity of this still alive
hide and seek

Trains and sewing machines?
oh, you won't catch me around here
blood and tears they were here first

mm what you say
oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
mm what you say
mm that it's all for the best, of course it is
mm what you say
that it's just what we need, you decided this
mm what you say
what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling at your mouth mid-sweet talk,

newspaper words cut out speak no feeling
no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Pillows, Screws and Bumps

I've got a new fat pillow! And a new bed too!

Yesterday, my mom and I went shopping. We had to buy extra beds and furniture for my brother and dad; they'll be here this Saturday. Plus, Sabbie's bed was broken and we had to get a new one. So we ordered a couple from Fantastic. Really, they've got good bargains!
Dismantling the old bed was a problem though. We had no tools! All we had was this L-shaped bar to help in the unscrewing. My mom, being my mom, was completely useless! She and "hands-on" do not go. She wanted to either call some guys to help us with the bed or wait for my dad and brother to come and help us. Honestly.

Maybe it was my female pride or ego, but I rather thought that I could do this without any male's help.
So, it took me about 45 minutes to deal with the damn bed. The result; a sense of achievement and really sore fingers and arms. I don't mind it though, at least now I know that when I get my own house, I wouldn't be completely helpless. I don't need a man around. Heh.

After that, we went to buy pillows! It was quite comical really, me carrying five huge fat pillows home. It was like carrying a white fat elephant (minus the weight) around. And knowing how silly and clumsy I am, I bumped my poor head on the metal door. I saw white light! Was quite dizzy and dazed for a while; and I have a bump on my head now. :(

I've having mixed feelings about them coming. I don't know how things are going to turn out, we're not the typical happy family, in fact we're hardly that. But I do miss my brother. It'd be great if he's here.

Oh well. We'll see what happens.
I know this is quite a short post.. but my fingers are quite numb.. till next time.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Le sigh

She realizes that just like her, he's only guilty of being human and she has so much to say to him. But no, she doesnt know where to begin. Or if she should even start.

You know what... leave me alone. I don't trust you and I can't trust you. I don't think I ever will. Why is it when I really honest to god want you to leave me alone, to disappear from my life, you come blazing back, wanting to talk and trying to compromise? It's seems as though you're holding on to me, why?
I've long learned that you and I don't always see eye to eye, that's not so much of a bad thing. But it's bad when you refuse to compromise; when you flare up at the slightest sign of disagreement or difference of opinion and you argue your way through. Where in the world did you get your warped sense of ideals?

Yes, I do disagree with my close friends. But I don't fear any horrid repurcussions from them, I don't think they'll go bereserk just because I think differently. I don't think that they'll ever hit me below the belt or demean me in any way.HONESTLY! That, to me, is a good friendship, when you can be honestand polite at the same time; when you know your limits and yet you don't compromise yourself.It's called respect. And you don't seem to respect me.
Why is it, you always know which buttons to push? Why do you irritate me so? Is it me, or is it you?

And sure, you think she's childish. Okay. I'm not about to argue or prove to you what she is and isn't. But I do have one thing to say, and that is the fact that you're harping on about it after so long proves that you're being childish about it. Hey, it's what I think, and I'm entitled to it.
Why do you keep thinking that honesty in a friendship would include crudeness and vulgarities? Don't you dare taunt me, asking me for a bloody trial run, wanting to prove that if you're "honest" (in your dictionary, crude and vulgar), we wouldn'tbe friends for very long. You don't even get what I'm trying to say in that thick head of yours. You don't know how to speak, how to talk. That's the thing with you. Tact and politeness is something you should learn. If you want to be honest with me, don't bite back, don't get your tongue twisted, and don't misuse it.
So I lied to you. I hate that I did, but I did. And I'm glad you don't know me well to know it. I'm hoping with that lie, you'd start thinking straight and treat me like a normal friend.

Two cents worth on the Katrina

America (amongst other countries) is falling apart. Yeah, you may scoff at the idea of it all but really the Egyptians, Romans and Babylonians probably never expected their empire to fall either. I'm sad at how the whole situation was taken care of, or should i say, not even taken care of.
If we don't start worrying about what the government is doing in our name as humans, we can expect more disasters, and maybe an even steeper price. Complacency has become an epidemic and the only way to cure it is to start doing something about it.

It just makes me so mad. How did we come to this?


There are times I get so annoyed with myself. I have no idea what to write. It's the perfect time for writing, but I just can't. And that's the problem with time, you always seem to have so much of it, but then it slips away and all of a sudden.. you don't and the day is over. Anyway, there's so much running through my head, but it just won't come out. All creative thinking, great ideas have got right out of my brain, which makes me sometimes believe that's I'm just so ignorant. Really, I hardly know anything about anything, and I just feel so crap and dumb.
Maybe I never was intelligent, I never was brilliant or smart. Maybe I've been faking it my whole life. Maybe all I am.. is just a beginner.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Comic Relief

Okay.. so I was bored!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Mentally Exhausted

I'm really tired.

Pondering non-stop about the previous post/topic has taken a lot out of me.

I'm off to bed. I really need it.

Myriad of Questions

If you cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. That's what I think anyway.
I've finished The Devil and Miss Prym and I liked it. However, it raised so many questions for me. Beckie, here's what I think...

The Devil and Miss Prym essays the perennial conflict between good and evil in our souls, and how we commit a crime a hundred times in our minds and are afraid to do it in real life. It is a novel that explores the concept of inherent good and evil, the nature of mankind and God.
The story itself is good, however, it is unlike his other book The Alchemist that has a magical and emotional ending, it has a rather tame ending. Which in turn, leads you to ponder about the contents.

Paulo poses the questions, “Are people good or evil?” and “Do circumstances change the way people look at life?”. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of days and here’s what I have.

Let me start with good and evil.

Many philosophers hold the theory of relativity. They exemplify good and evil as necessary for the world’s beauty and charm. Every thing has its own benefits; that garbage itself has its own value. I find this a little ridiculous because it would seem that immoral acts are excusable in the guise that without them, you would not have morals. That with suffering and pain, comes forgiveness. That is how forgiveness exists. I don’t think so. I think eventually good finds a way, life finds a way, even out the most horrid of scenarios. I don’t think good exists because evil does. I think one appreciates good, when one has seen evil. So all those crap websites stating that evil is necessary, the evil one is necessary and technically good is what I call fiddlesticks (a really nice term though).

There are also philosophers who maintain that an act is neither good nor bad in itself but the intention makes it so. Mere intention cannot make a bad act good. At the most, a bad act performed in good faith can be excused but it cannot be classified as a good act or as right. Therefore, intention alone cannot be made the basis of determining good and evil. It is without rationale.

Other philosophers like Socrates, Aristotle and Plato considered good and evil to be independent. The foundation of both already exists in man’s nature. Sometimes, Man forgets his own moral laws and needs to be reminded and self-realisation is the real knowledge that guides man to the path of the highest good.

So what is evil? Is it a thing or a being that causes our actions or judgements? Or is evil the result of our ill actions? I think it is both, at least for me. Atheists would argue on this point, because in their beliefs evil or good do not have an ontological staus; meaning as a thing itself, it does not exist. There is no God and no devil, in their opinion. Evil and Good is merely a result of our actions.

I agree that our actions can produce good and evil. But I also believe in a God and a devil. Both are inter-linked but ultimately, we make the decisions to do good and evil.

Another question that I came across, Is evil the absence of good (or vice versa) or is it the antithesis of good?
I’ve heard of this theory to answer this question. I’m not sure I agree with it.

We talk about things being cold or warm. But coldness is not a thing that exists in itself; it has no ontological status. Coldness is the absence of heat. When we remove heat energy from a system, we say it gets colder.
"Cold" isn't a thing. It's a way of describing the reduction of molecular activity resulting in the sensation of heat. So the more heat we pull out of a system, the colder it gets. Cold itself isn't being "created." Cold is a description of a circumstance in which heat is missing. Heat is energy which can be measured. When you remove heat, the temperature goes down. We call that condition "cold," but there is no cold "stuff" that causes that condition. So this would prove that evil in indeed the absence of good. But if there’s no good, is there necessarily evil? Is there no neutral point?
It’s so hard to talk about such things using analogies like Light Vs Dark/White Vs Black
because white can be proven to be a combination of all of the colors of the spectrum while black is the absence of all color.

So I ask myself and place a scenario. If I’m a doctor on a holiday and I see someone having a heart-ache and I do nothing. Am I considered neutral? I’m not doing good, yet my act itself is frowned upon. I consider it wrong and a certain degree of ‘evil’, because it has caused harm to someone (death in this case), even though I’m not literally stabbing him with a knife. So there is an absolute good and varying degrees of evil. Neutrality is very subjective, depending on scenario.

Yet, I would also argue that evil is the antithesis of good, since in every person there is something good. Sometimes you may have to look very deep to find it, but it is there. For instance, just for the sake of the example, it could be argued that because Hitler (assumption) loved dogs, there was good in him, else he would not be capable of true love. This in no way is meant to diminish the evil he wrought, but to emphasize that in some way, there is some good in everyone, so there can be no true absence of good. On the other hand, if evil is the antithesis of good, both can be in one person, it is just a matter of which takes precedence, how often and to what degree?

While there may be clear line of what is good, I want to know more about how there is an unclear line of what is evil. Is lying evil? What if it is a "harmless" white lie, to protect someone's feelings? Say, for example if a guy is sitting in a bar, and a woman he finds less than attractive comes over to "make a pass". The guy tells her that he finds her very pretty, but that he is married, and "where were you 5 years ago?" He does not find her pretty and is not yet married, but she is going off to do something else feeling complimented, and "let down gently". Is this an act of "good", because you were kind and did not hurt her feelings unnecessarily, or "evil", because you lied? I do not believe that you can have such fine lines in determining "good" and "evil" actions, yet the important thing about actions is the motive, but only sometimes.
For instance, is it evil to kill someone? To me, sometimes (not always) depends upon why you killed them. If you show a short temper by walking down the street, come across some little old lady who is slowing you down because she cannot keep the pace, and you break her neck and keep going...I would vote that that is "evil." However, if someone draws a gun on your sibling, parent or loved one, threatening to kill her, and you fight with that person, and in the struggle, the gun goes off and kills him, which is done accidentally, and in the act of protecting a loved one from an aggressor. To me, that is "good."

Is man essentially or inherently evil? Or does he come into the world “neutral”, not knowing either good or evil? That he learns it from his surroundings and experience. But then again, do you honestly need to stab yourself in the chest to know that it is not a good thing to do? Do we honestly need to experience evil to know that it is not good? Can you honestly look at a baby and think that it’s neutral? A baby’s innocent yes, but is it good? I don’t know, I feel one is. I think one is.

I’ll sum up by saying that even the very wise cannot see all ends. I don’t know the answers to all the questions that may arise with this issue. So what it leaves me with is a journey, a path and maybe an attempt to understand. Eventually, I may not fully understand. All I can do is have faith and try to make the choices that are right and good.

Choice. I think that’s the keyword in all of this.
Maybe free will is a blessing and a curse. I believe God has given all of us the absolute ability to makes choices in life. We have the ability to choose good or evil, right or wrong, self or others. Forget history, what people have done and what not. What about me? What do I choose to do? Why did God give us free will then? Wouldn't it have been easier and nicer to create mankind as inherently good. I honestly don’t know, but maybe his purpose with mankind is to have eternal fellowship with those who truly love Him. Therefore, to create us as inherently good robots, without the potential for the opposite character, evil, would not allow for true love. For only love that comes from a free choice of the will is TRUE LOVE. Voluntary choice is the key - love isn't genuine if there's no other option.

Any takers? All views appreciated.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Why do we...

I've always wondered why exactly we tear and cry everytime we slice onions. I decided to find out today.

"When you slice through an onion, you break open a number of onion cells. Some of these cells have enzymes inside of them, and when they are sliced open, the enzymes escape. The enzymes then decompose some of the other substances that have escaped from sliced cells. Some of these substances, amino acid sulfoxides, form sulfenic acids, which then quickly rearrange themselves into a volatile gas.
The gas reaches your eyes and reacts with the water that keeps them moist. This changes the chemical's form again, producing, among other things, a mild sulfuric acid, which irritates the eyes. The nerve endings in your eyes are very sensitive and so they pick up on this irritation (this is why our eyes sting when we slice onions). The brain reacts by telling your tear ducts to produce more water, to dilute the irritating acid so the eyes are protected."

Why onions make you cry! Click me!

Ahh.. now that explains it and makes sense!

Did you know? If you didn't ... now you do!

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Dose of Politics, perhaps?


I've decided to write in another post, and quickly too, so it doesn't seem like a angsty emo-ish blog!
I'm a little embarrassed, because in actual fact, I wasn't at all angry or anything. Maybe a little exasperated and irritated, but not angry. But now, when I read it, it looks... bad! I guess it shows more intense emotions, than how I actually was.


Before I move to the more "serious" note, I have to rant! I watched the Lord of the Rings Extended Version for the third sequel: The Return Of the King and boy! I love it, it's just amazing how better it became. I wish Tolkien was alive, he would have been proud. And I think the love story between him and his wife (Beren and Luthien) was so sweet and romantic.

Sigh. I wish I could just give up accounting and follow one of my callings to be a chef, one of the other passions in my life. That's the problem with having too many interests and passions.

I love my hair at this moment! It smells so good and you know how when you let it down after bunning it up for quite some time, and it goes all nice, behaved and all bouncy? Yep! It's so nice and soft now.

I have a 6 gorgeous pansies in the balcony and I took pictures of them (and later became vain and took pictures of myself) with my mom's phone, but I can't post it just yet, I haven't figured how to transfer them to the laptop yet, hopefully it'd be soon.

I came across this article, below.

State Senate OKs bill for same-sex marriage

I love the interesting quote though. It's probably about the only thing I liked in this article.

"The last time I checked, a higher power created all of us. In the eyes of God, they are all human beings, all equal to him,” he said. “Why are they not equal to us?"

Now, normally I don't like to talk about "sensitive" issues but yeah, I decided to just touch a little on it today.
I'm quite against same-sex marriages. I don't view it as a marriage, but rather a partnership perhaps? In my books, it's just does not feel and isn't right. But that's just me.
I've long accepted that these things (gayism and lesbianism) happen but I don't have to agree with it. It's got nothing to do with what is right, correct or wrong but rather what is right, correct or wrong to me. It's just not something I would do, I guess.

Is it to do with preserving the sanctity of marriage? I'm not sure. But how is the sanctity of marriage saved when a guy (or anyone) can get drunk in Las Vegas and marry a hooker for the price of 55 dollars at the Elvis Chapel?! Or other celebs marrying for a couple of hours, then divorcing or annuling it later?
Since when was the sanctity of marriage ever preserved?

I onced researched what causes homosexuality, but like a a lot of things, it's very subjective and there's no real or definite answer. I don't know if being a homosexual is a choice or that "you're born that way". I find it hard to believe that you're born against nature.

I don't know. *shrugs*

But I would rather that a person makes that choice. The choice whether one expresses one's preferred sexuality than spending their life lying about it.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Oh please... will you wake up?

Oh jeez... seriously.

I'm so sick of you telling me that you know me very well, you're my mother, of course you do.
Maybe you say it so many times to convince yourself, perhaps?

Let me tell you straight, you don't know me. Period. Don't even pretend that you do. Don't even act like you do.

What makes you think I share myself with you in the first place? Our relationship now is merely that of "peaceful co-existence". It's the ability to not rock the boat, mainly because you're too stubborn and proud to either acknowledge you're mistaken, or you don't know better. You refuse to budge or compromise.


V: It's pronounced as lingerie (think "linger" and "ry" as in angry)
-stunned silence-
Me: No, that's not right. It's lingerie (I'm assuming you know the correct pronunication)
V: What rubbish.
-hears Sabbie's laughter in the background-
Me: Mom, it's french so you don't pronounce it like that. Its etymology is from middle french
Sabbie: Sera's right.
V: Nonsense, I'm correct.

*end of flashback*

Dumbledore's right. People find it easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
It's hard to have any kind of relationship with someone who keeps viewing you as a competition.

You don't know me.

Just because you know my mannerisms and habitual phrases and exclamations, does not mean that you know me well.
But then again, anyone who's lived in the same roof as me, would have figured that easily.
You're scratching at the surface, but you have no idea what's inside.

So will you just stop it?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Fears, Hopes and Dreams

"I think fear is a great way to lead people to god. Isn't fear a respectable way to influence people? It's actually how I mold the minds of today's youth. Fear. Screaming. Yeah there's crying, but they get over it. Builds character."
- Author "The Surfing Bartender"

I totally disagree with you and your attitude. Really, is believing something out of fear truly believing the essence of something?

I think humans are essentially (at least most of us) characterized by two great fears that other animals are protected from: the fear of life and the fear of death. Aren't we just comical?
Sure, we can sometimes also question with boldness even the existence of God; I'm sure he would approve the homage of "reason" than that of blind-folded fear.
It's interesting to see how people take "God" and live their lives, but this topic is for another day to discuss.

Where was I? Ah yes, fear.

A couple of hundred years ago (I think?) Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. Here is the man who discovered electricity. It's funny how we don't really listen to what he had to say. I'm sure you've come across so many quotes and sayings about fear and the need to act now. The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We've all learnt these proverbs in school, heard various poets, philosophers, our grandparents, even hearing songs and movies about how we need to seize the day. We can't pretend that we haven't been told.

Still, I think some of us have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what they really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

I'd have to say that the reason why we put things off has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?

Yeah, I know that the person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. Yeah, but sometimes fear tends to paralyse me.

What am I afraid of? Loads of things. Fear of rejection, at least I used to be. But I managed to get around that one. I've spent a good deal of my life, drawing lines, creating boxes and building fences. Most of the time, people just can't get past them.
But ya know, at some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.
But there are others…if you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.
I've gotten rid of some of those lines, but I think I'm going to keep some of them on, you have to.
What else?
Fear of intimacy. Even speaking about intimacy is frightening to me, being frightened about this is even more frightening. For me, intimacy is another word for "Here's my heart and soul - please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy".
It's something I can't get past, is it better this way?

I'm afraid of imperfection, confrontation, being incomplete and being empty. And yet so many unknown fears, fears I either don't realise or am too afraid to even voice out.
I'm afraid of knowing too much about my parents' financial affairs (amongst other aspects), because it hurts to have to see them in such a light, you question the person/persons that they are. They're no longer the person you can turn to or look up to. Instead, the roles are reversed.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of how your life would be. Be it the white dress, prince charming who would carry you to a castle on a hill. It doesn't even have to be a fairy tale, maybe a dream of yours.
You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming.
Eventually, you grow up one day, open your eyes and your fairy tale or dream disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
I've always wondered if this is a right thing to do, to let a child believe in something that isn't true, or is never going to happen. Is it okay to let someone linger on in "fairy-land"?

Yet, At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.Isn’t that worth waiting and hoping for?

So which is which?

I'm not sure, but I hope to learn it along the way.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Dizzying Spin of the Head

Those were the days, when smiles were not forced and one was constantly surrounded by good friends and you knew something good was going on. I'm not saying some of those things aren't present now, somehow something's missing. We're all growing up, growing apart (not all, but some).
At times, meeting ups are nothing more than a really unreachable target.
But of course, I can't discount the fact that good friends are still in my life. Just perhaps they had to step down to a supporting role and sometimes to even a non-existent role because of the rigors and facts of life.

I understand completely. You can't expect someone to be there 24/7. I have to get used to the fact the sometimes, they'll have to zoom out of your life for a while.

So anyway! Updates.

My dad and my bro will be coming down end of next month. My mom, dad and Sabbie have finally received their PR and stuff. And of course for my dad's PR to be in effect, he has to be here (duh!). So he's quit his job and will be here for a few interviews.

We're moving forward, slowly. I'm not going to expect anything, I'll just take things as they come along. But hey, at least we're moving, even if it's only a bit.

I have been pretty laxed about my gym workouts, sigh, yes I have been lazy. I have to get back into it! I'm trying to learn how to make a really nice couscous salad with sundried tomatoes. Yum. We'll see how that turns out, it's my new obssession.
Oh! And I happen to catch BSB's new video "Just wanted you to know", boy are they hilarious, they're so silly! Yes, I have a soft spot for them, I can't help but smile whenever I think about them. Brian. Especially.
He was the "love of my life". *smiles*
He's such a sweetie.

So yep. That's all for today. I shall go and bug Sabbie for a nice massage. I'm having a terrible headache. As I remember correctly, a headache can disappear with the right kind of massage, from the right kind of person. I did enjoy that moment, even if it was short-lived and well.. a "dream" you could say.
But ya know what, I'm cool. I can safely say I'm completely over it.


P.S. I watched Dirty Dancing Havana Nights and I'm so inspired to learn latin ballroom! But, you kinda need a partner for that... sigh.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Whimsical mutterings

And if you see your soul mate fall from the grace of the world, would you have the courage and strength of love to give up all that you believe in and follow them into the unknown?

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Officially An Adult


I'm all "grown up" now. I turned 21 on the 23rd of August, a few days ago. It's not how I imagined it to be.

I remember planning for it, a couple of years back, maybe I'd hold a chalet, get together my close friends and have a fun night out, getting silly and high and just being happy. Or better, I'd have a surprise birthday party or something.
Sometimes, life does not turn out the way you plan it or hope for it to.

I woke up that day with a splash of icy cold water and sounds of my mom and Sabbie giggling and laughing away. It was crazy! My mom had wanted to throw a pail of water over me; she changed her mind (thank goodness!) seeing as how she didn't wanna wet my whole bed and stuff.
Anyway, it was a simple, quiet day. My mom had got me a diamond set (pendant and earrings), a really simple one; which I found out later she got on sale to my relief. I didn't really want her spending much on me.
I decided to be a good girl, and go to church for a while. Weird though, I didn't find the peace I was looking for. After that, I went window shopping and later met up with Sabbie (she went to school) and my mom for dinner. We had chocolate cake, but there was no blowing out candles. I found it pointless anyway and I didn't really feel like it.
I ended the day with a couple of rented movie dvds.

But what surprised (and disappointed) me most was that the people I wanted to call or email me, the friends whom I wanted to hear from most, weren't there. No call, no email, nothing.
That hurt.
It's sad because I'll always look back and remember this day.
Where were all of you, those of whom I was there for? Where? My work friends, those of whom promised to keep in touch, what happened to those promises? Funny thing, I had expected them to "disappear"... but I did not expect my closest friends to do so. It was even made worse when my mom and Sabbie asked about them. I had no reply for them.

Maybe this is how it's supposed to be from now onwards. Maybe birthdays aren't supposed to have any more meaning, to anyone else and maybe even to myself. Is this growing up?
Maybe growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think I knew it was time to let go of what might have been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come.
I think part of me died along with the night.

So here's to the new realm of adulthood. And through this journey, I promise myself I'll never forget to laugh, because I've learned you've only got yourself to depend on where your happiness is concerned.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Note to Self

Stop the mindless wishing that things would be different.
Rather than wasting time and emotional and spiritual energy in explaining why you don't have what you want, start to pursue other ways to get it!

Will you ever?

Thinking about Relationships

Few people listen.
Most assert the primacy of their own opinions. Few are willing to accept a pluralistic framework for the understanding of the world and of others. For most, it's either My Way or The Highway.
Very few are curious about other points of view or willing to see them as complentary to their own.
This is why relationships can sometimes be so problematic. Especially if you're dealing with an obnoxious and stubborn partner. A curious listener, man or woman, puts himself at a disadvantage; an invitation to be run over, or so it seems.

Still, I am a listener. And I sometimes wish she was. Maybe that's why her relationships with others seem to fail, most of the time. I'm not judging, just observing.

Anyway, I got to thinking about relationships the other day. Where do I even start?
You have those relationships that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and maybe even those that bring you back.
But you know, I think the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with "yourself". Where you show that side of you you never thought you could ever share. And if you can find someone to love the you that you love, don't you think that's fabulous?
In your life meet people, maybe even have brief relationships with them. Some, you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if THEY ever think about you. And they are of course, some whom you wish you never had to think about again. But you DO.
Do you ever get that?

Have you ever thought about how you used to be, how you're still that you or how you're miles opposite to that person that you were?
It's interesting how our attitudes towards relationships sublime as we grow older.

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?
So if there's no net to catch us, does this mean we stop leaping? Whatever happened to landing on our own two feet?

You know, I'm beginning to think that the relationships we have with the world is largely determined by the relationships we have with ourselves. Maybe we should work on ourselves first before beginning one with another human being.

When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.
Don't you think that's true? I believe it is. I think it's one of the many steps we have to undertake to ensure a rich and fulfilling relationship.

I think I need to believe that it works; love, couplehood, partnerships and of course marriages. The whole idea that when people come together, that they stay together. It doesn't matter if few of those happens, the fact that it does. I have to take that with me to bed, even if I have to go to bed alone.
Sure, I can always argue with myself and say if people can fall in love, what's the guarantee that we won't fall out of love?
I know, I know. It's whole big risk, there are no assurances and guarantees. But still. I think about it sometimes, I choose to believe it.
And yesterday, I saw proof with my own eyes, in church. A couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. They were so cute! And you could see the love they had for each other, still in their eyes.

Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? I buy them sometimes, I mean not that I think I would ever win, but I'd like to hold it in my hand and think : What if?
It's the same with love, I guess.

Seeing that it works, is maybe enough for me; though it brings a certain aching comfort to me.

The world is no longer a romantic place... some of it's people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win.


I just wrote a huge post and blogger ate it.

I'm pissed.

I'll rewrite it once I've had a nice steaming mug of hot chocolate with caramel. In case you're wondering, the brand's Nestle, go try it.


Friday, August 12, 2005


I've decided to create a few changes to my blog!
You would have noticed the new colour and more links for you to go through.

Stay tuned though, there's more goodies coming up...

P.S. *Pats own shoulder for much effort put into this new 'image'.
P.P.S. I respect all the web designers out there! It's no easy feat.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Pull navel to the spine and breaatthe!

Yes, my first pilates lesson in case you're wondering.

My first foray into this highly recommended exercise proved to be interesting, yet not as successful as I would have hoped.
I have a very weak back and at times I tend to suffer from lower back pain, hopefully this will be the cure to my "suffering".
It was a rather slow, soothing class with a lot of simple yet difficult floor exercises.
I dragged Sabbie with me to this small class, she wasn't too impressed with it but I'm going to continue it anyway. I might even try Yoga just to see how it is.

Till then, I shall constantly "breathe and control my pelvic floor".

P.S. Pure Emu Oil is an excellent remedy for aches and pains.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Just something I found

Daughter, I understand.
You are stuck with the reality of your economic situation and of our times.

The media blackout is a good thing........for war is less of a reality than limited finances.

You are focusing on your reality which is the challenge of getting by on limited resources.
You are paying a price for not being wealthy. Many others in the world are living in the same boat as you...............

Still many others are living in incredible affluence, either because of their backgrounds or because they have chosen and managed to move up in financially rewarding fields.
This wealth is in part made possible in part by the Darwinian skill which some people have to choose, move up on the roller coaster, to amass wealth through entrepreneurial skills or possession of in demand well rewarded skills.
This is of course the Republican ethos, of risk taking, of building business, of taking the entrepreneurial path. It stresses the opportunity to amass wealth -- rather than security for those on the edge.

Your hard reality is more the challenge of staying economically afloat than what is on the media.

You will meet your reality and master it.

Every generation has the burden, the challenge of finding the happiness which can come amidst hard realities.

Yeah uh... Precisely.

Here I sit,
hardly sleeping.
my mind is shirking.
If I die before I wake,I pray my pain the Lord will take.
I can't think of anything to do,
blah blah blah,
this poem will do.

Thursday, July 28, 2005


A week has gone by and I'm slowly adjusting to this new life that I'm living. I'm afraid of liking it here, afraid that I'm going to lose what I've become to love.

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
So which is it for me?
I'm afraid to hope, because everytime I do, something goes wrong or a door is slammed in my face. Yet I can't bear the thought of having to return back to Singapore.
There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.

Each week, I plan out the options I have here. I've applied to several jobs and have been through a couple of interviews, most of them are quite impressed with my resume, but are unwillingly to go through the tedious process of sponsoring me a working visa. It's so difficult to keep trying and being rejected or having to start all over again.
I figured the best thing for me to do now, is to get a job and save for my education, but even that is proving to be difficult. I'm going to find out the exact fees for my education and payment schedules that I may be able to undertake. The way I see it, if I have a student visa, I would still be able to work 20 hours a week. At least it's something. We'll see what happens.

"Heart don’t fail me now, courage don’t desert me, don’t turn back now that we’re here
People always say, life is full of choices, no one ever mentions fear or how our world can seem so long, how the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through, heart I’m trusting you, on this journey to the past
Somewhere down this road, I know someone’s waiting, years of dreams just can’t be wrong."

Anyway, on a lighter note, the churches here are beautiful. There's some old feeling here, that I can't seem to place my finger upon. What I appreciate most is that the people here are really friendly and warm, it's so cool! Some are too friendly and "interested" though, heh. During mass, there was this guy, probably lates 20s, who kept turning around and glancing at me, as seen seriously!
Sabbie was pretty annoyed at the number of times he did that. But you know what's the most ironic? My mom, who has spent a considerable amount of time "watching" me and making sure I don't get involved with "pariahs" and "scrubs", did not notice what was happening right infront of her eyes. It was quite interesting.

And speaking of "pariahs" and "scrubs", I've decided that I probably wouldn't get involved with anyone who's not financially stable. I would want someone who's either on par with me or higher. Am I snobbish? Maybe, but don't get me wrong. I believe in the whole "unconditional love" but I feel that you sometimes have to be practical about things, there are parts that have to be kept logical, or you're going to hurt yourself or be miserable.
I control my destiny and my future. I might not have control over the paths I have to choose from, but I still have that choice, whether to go through with it or not. And that's the way I'm going to have it.

I'm glad I took the opportunity to get to know him. Whilst before I was blinded by infatuation, now I see things so clearly. I still like him, but honestly I don't think we could tolerate each other if things had gone further. We're just don't see eye to eye on some important issues and he can be such an immature bum at times! I know now, that I would have been unhappy and agitated. At least with the person that he is now.

This shell, this body that looks like you, sounds like you, walks like you, is not you, could never be you.
When did you die?You just disappeared one day. You were sweet once. You told me jokes and made me laugh. And you said I was wonderful, and you touched me so tenderly,and you were afraid to hurt me.
But then you died. And IT came, this monster, your replacement. It pretened not to see or hear me. And it hurt me like you never could. But you were dead,so i too died inside. Oh, i tried to keep going, pretended not to care about the words of the one who claimed to be you. And I laughed to forget the pain.

Anyway, my gym sessions have been pretty good, quite intense. I joined a Fat Burner class and boy do you burn after the class. It's good though, I remember a time when I was flexible and fit. I know I have neglected myself and I am going get that back. Lee hasn't been around since the last I saw him, heh, but I'm not too bothered about it. There's always others. *grins*

May I take some time to say that the writer is currently undergoing a small hormones upsurge and that is probably why she appears on "overdrive". Thank you.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

PottyPaws about Potter

I finished the 6th Book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I shall not ramble about it in case you haven't read it yet (go read it!) but I'm quite sad about the ending and a little bit surprised in the slight change in writing style of J.K. Rowling.
Sigh. Sigh.

Welcome to the Hornsby Shire!

Can you imagine that was the sign that greeted me when I was driven into Hornsby? And we even have a white "tree of kings" outside our house.. sad that it's starting to flower though.

Anyway, I'm finally here in Sydney and the first thing that blows me away, is the weather! It's so cold! I have to sleep with an electric blanket and a heater. The worse part is going to the bathroom in the mornings and sitting on a super cold toilet seat!
And my hair and my skin is so dry now... it's cracking. My mom is fussing over the state of them and dumping loads of moisturiser on me.

But I love it here, despite it all. The suburban scenery here is so breath-taking. The air seems so much more fresher, and the flowers are amazing really. I can literally imagine my future house with my rose and wild flower garden.
It's something so new and there's so much to learn. It's like a fresh new start, a new life with new beginnings. And even maybe a new love interest!

My mom decided to sign me up for gym training, she's been lamenting about how out of shape I am. I don't blame her, I have put on a bit of flab. Anyway, we were in the sports centre and this really cute blond-haired trainer approached us and decided to help sign us up. My mom's trainer, Carly, wasn't around.
So we go into a room for my "assessment" where he begins by asking my name (my mom and Sabbie with me of course). For some insane reason, he kept changing my 'a's into 'e's... so my name was written as Serephine. It was so funny and annoying at the same time! I ended up spelling it for him like S-E-R-APPLE-P-H-I-N-APPLE.

We moved on to the next few questions where he asked about my current diet. He was pretty shocked when he told him that I usually ate burgers for "breakfast" because I wake up late and amused at my chocolate obssessions. Of course, my mom was a bit embarrassing when she gave her input about me not drinking water and drinking too much fizzy drinks. Gosh! It was so weird! Being interrogated by a cutie!

After that, he had to check my blood pressure so he asked me to remove my jacket. What he didn't know was that I was wearing a skimpy, dangerously low-cut thermal inside, so of course I cringed... I tell you! My mom ended up trying to roll up my sleeve. After that, he took my height (double-cringe!) and my weight. Jeez.
Just when I thought my nightmare was over, he asks me to come over with him to the gym equipment so that he could show me how to use them. Let me sum up by saying, half the time I was checking his erm... physique out. He has a really nice butt by the way. And he's quite shy too. Heh.
I think he was a bit amused at me... I was so silly and especially hopeless at the chin-ups machine and weight-lifts. Sigh. I have such weak arms. I remember having an accident in school in Secondary 1 during gym class, I was attempting a handstand and I could not on for 3 minutes. But it was not fair really, my other classmates only had to do 2 minutes. The gong-of-a instructor thought I was capable of more.

Anyway, I think (even Sabbie reckons so) he was flirting with me a little at the end of his little demonstration. He had a certain emphasis on asking him for help if I needed any and if I had questions for him.
I did. His name. Gosh, he seemed a little embarrassed realising that he had not introduced himself. He kinda turned a slight red, but I didn't mean to! We shook hands, and boy oh boy, talk about "electricity".
His name's Lee, whoops.

Gosh, I'm quite attracted to him. Physically. And he seems cute too. Hehehe. GOSH!! I can't believe I'm having a small little crush here, and frankly I'm really glad I am. I think I want and need a new "crush". I'm going to start my gym tomorrow morning... I hope he's there... hehehe. Talk about motivation to lose weight and exercise huh? *grins cheekily*
Life doesn't seem so bad now.

Heh! Till tomorrow then! Wish me luck.. I have to make sure I look good though... I'm a bit flabby... but nevermind! Let the flirting and eye-washing begin!


P.S. The beef pies here are gorgeous!
P.P.S I'm picking up their "yea" slang! It's annoying..

So it comes

My blog!

I have been so busy! I've got loads to update you..

Let's see... firstly, it's weird to have my Sabrina and my mom back in my life. It's like a worn-out jig-saw puzzle piece, it still fits but yet, the ends have eroded a bit. Sabbie has changed just a little bit, more slimmer and toned and she seems more confident in her self, like she's had her own time to discover herself a little bit.
And vice versa. We're both apraiaising each other, taking in the subtle changes and growth.

My mom? Well... she's pretty much the same as she was before, though she tends to be laying off me a bit. But I DO NOT miss her nagging. Hah. It's amazing how she can just talk all our ears off! She's also trying to be my new best friend; all affectionate at the airport when I first met her.

Anyway, we've had our funny moments, the three of us. One of them included a shopping fiasco in Junction 8; it got me and Sabbie laughing for two whole days at the memory!
My mom had dropped her handphone and and bent down (with her butt sticking up in the air) to retrieve it. What she did not realise was that it had slid right next to me, of course I had bent down to take it to hand it over to her. So you see the situation, there it was her "shapely" butt rammed up right in front of me and Sabbie's faces, my feeble attempt in calling her, and us bursting into laughter at the look of her face when she arose to look at us, with the handphone in my hand. I tell you... you should have seen it, puzzlement to understanding to embarrassing and amusement. This whole laughing episode earned a Sabbie a knock on her head, my mom hates being in an embarrassing situation and laughed at.
But that was funny though, we couldn't help it! *winks at Sabbie*

My brother seemed to have a renewed sense of vigour in disturbing me and making jokes, he was obviously thrilled at having them home again. We watched Madagascar together, cool movie with a few comical moments.
The whole week moved so fast, with me having so many things to do, meeting up with relatives (which were a bit awkward) and friends. I met Beckie and Shu! I wish I had more time though, and of course I had hoped to have that sleepover; but like I said it was a mad rush.

It was amazing how I managed to squeeze all my worldly possessions into one large suitcase, a hand-luggage and a small handbag.
But the one thing that bothered me a lot was leaving my gran and my brother behind. I have never seen my brother look so... sad. It was ehart-breaking, really. Knowing that I would no longer be around to take care of him; leaving him in the hands of my dad, which believe me is not reassuring at all. There are certain things I should not speak of though, but you might get the drift.

I should update you on what's in store for me in Sydney. It's official, I'm going to be working for about a year or so, until my family's financial situation comes together. Even then, I'm going to pay my way through University. Yes, I was actually a bit upset when my mom had that serious chat with me.
It's ironic how I'm going to turn 21, the turning point where people become "independent". Independent, that word has such a literal meaning for me. I guesss in the end, you can only count on yourself to get things done. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being bitter, maybe just a little irritated.
wants; why most of my friends do not have such financial worries of their own, at least not where education is concerned. I wonder if they take it for granted.

But ya know, I never dreamed that I would be at this point, really. But I'm not going to take it limp and lying down, I'm going to rage and storm against it if I have to. I will get my degree one way or another. I'm ready for whatever life is going to throw at me.

Monday, June 27, 2005

I just had to!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Work ethic56%
Self absorbed50%
Conflict seeking56%
Need to dominate50%
Change averse50%
Peter pan complex43%
Physical security76%
Physical Fitness37%
Female cliche70%

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
clean, organized, dislikes chaos, semi neat freak, perfectionist, traditional, realist, fits in most places, enjoys managing others, risk averse, good at saving money, prudent, respects authority, high self control, hard working, does not like to stand out, follows the rules, finisher, resilient, takes precautions, cautious, honest, unfamiliar with the dark side of life, practical, dutiful