Wow.
I'm all "grown up" now. I turned 21 on the 23rd of August, a few days ago. It's not how I imagined it to be.
I remember planning for it, a couple of years back, maybe I'd hold a chalet, get together my close friends and have a fun night out, getting silly and high and just being happy. Or better, I'd have a surprise birthday party or something.
Sometimes, life does not turn out the way you plan it or hope for it to.
I woke up that day with a splash of icy cold water and sounds of my mom and Sabbie giggling and laughing away. It was crazy! My mom had wanted to throw a pail of water over me; she changed her mind (thank goodness!) seeing as how she didn't wanna wet my whole bed and stuff.
Anyway, it was a simple, quiet day. My mom had got me a diamond set (pendant and earrings), a really simple one; which I found out later she got on sale to my relief. I didn't really want her spending much on me.
I decided to be a good girl, and go to church for a while. Weird though, I didn't find the peace I was looking for. After that, I went window shopping and later met up with Sabbie (she went to school) and my mom for dinner. We had chocolate cake, but there was no blowing out candles. I found it pointless anyway and I didn't really feel like it.
I ended the day with a couple of rented movie dvds.
But what surprised (and disappointed) me most was that the people I wanted to call or email me, the friends whom I wanted to hear from most, weren't there. No call, no email, nothing.
That hurt.
It's sad because I'll always look back and remember this day.
Where were all of you, those of whom I was there for? Where? My work friends, those of whom promised to keep in touch, what happened to those promises? Funny thing, I had expected them to "disappear"... but I did not expect my closest friends to do so. It was even made worse when my mom and Sabbie asked about them. I had no reply for them.
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be from now onwards. Maybe birthdays aren't supposed to have any more meaning, to anyone else and maybe even to myself. Is this growing up?
Maybe growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think I knew it was time to let go of what might have been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come.
I think part of me died along with the night.
So here's to the new realm of adulthood. And through this journey, I promise myself I'll never forget to laugh, because I've learned you've only got yourself to depend on where your happiness is concerned.
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2 comments:
It's sad that you will always look back at this day and feel this way. But also don't forget that growing up isn't about that one day, but about the whole year after too. And maybe I wasn't there to wish you when it was the actual day itself, and like I said, I'm sorry. But friendship is also about being there for you for the rest of the year and not just sending you a cheery sms on a special, happy day, but also being there when nothing special or happy is happening as well.
So even though you will look back on this day with a feeling of sadness (which I am in part responsible for :() I also hope that you won't feel the same way for the rest of the year. And I may not have sent you a happy greeting, but I'll be here the rest of the year, on good days and bad.
You know where to find me.
--Ponky
Hey babe!
This post was just how I felt on that day, we've all got our sad and down days right?
We can't always be happy.
I'm okay... no need to apologise.. really.
You know, I think this year ahead will be good.. I will make it good.
And I know you're here.
Right back at you, I'm here too!
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