Sunday, July 27, 2008

The longest 5 minutes

I walked out today and stood by the letterbox.
By myself.

I survived.

I'm gonna do it again tomorrow.
And the next day.
And the next...
And the next......
Until I shake no more.

Priceless moments - Sydney escapade

Coogee Beach. Suze-ball. "You need to take deep breaths dar, you can't go out looking like this". Weird onions. Twelve perfect minutes of wind on the sea. La La La La La. Comfortable laps on the train. Bingeing on carrot sticks, chilli tuna, crackers and dip. The hug that squeezed the life back into me in the corridor. Gunilla and Doug. Tuna baked rice, meatloaf and sweet potato mash on my carpet. Being right on vapour-rub. Hand holding after a nightmare. Po Chai Pills. Coffee? freakout. Maggie the magpie and the bald dance instructor. Pancakes and stepping stones. Red noses, snorts, snores and coughs. 10.15 am heartattack and two loud fucks in the morning. Hugging, walking and shaking down THAT street in the rain. Champagne Toasts. Double hugs at the airport. Beckie's Boing boing curls and imitations of bug-eyed Kunna. The pilgrim walk and revelations. Dory's rampage. Boysenberry ice-cream and gross vegie chips. Holding hands with the two of them and walking without a care. "Meh". Blood Brothers. Singing the Pink Panther theme in the tunnel. Snuggling together with Shu in the morning. Being high on nasal spray. A good night's rest.

Enough... enough now.

I'm waiting in my room - waiting for the tears that refuse to come; for the overwhelming depression to take over but damn it it's not here. I'm confused - I expected things to go back the way it was.

They're still here.
Everytime I look at my floor - I think of them. And smile. Everytime I step into the kitchen, I chuckle.
They're still here.
I stepped out in the morning today - and I felt a little different.
I don't really know what's changed. And I don't really know how it happened. All I know is that I'm walking a little slower - looking around and breathing in the fresh air and sights. Pausing every now and then at a nice spot; contemplating on possible picnic locations.
It's really not so bad outside.

I don't really want to hide indoors anymore - not when there's plenty of beaches to laze around at. And museums to spend a day in. And horses to ride off into the wilderness with.
I don't believe in the goodness of humans (not most of them anyway) - but I've seen the beauty of nature and animals. And it's enough to want to sample it every day. It's enough to want to live. Just enough to want to pick up.
I'm not ready to move on; but I'm ready to walk again.

Just a little bit.