Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Fears, Hopes and Dreams

"I think fear is a great way to lead people to god. Isn't fear a respectable way to influence people? It's actually how I mold the minds of today's youth. Fear. Screaming. Yeah there's crying, but they get over it. Builds character."
- Author "The Surfing Bartender"

I totally disagree with you and your attitude. Really, is believing something out of fear truly believing the essence of something?

I think humans are essentially (at least most of us) characterized by two great fears that other animals are protected from: the fear of life and the fear of death. Aren't we just comical?
Sure, we can sometimes also question with boldness even the existence of God; I'm sure he would approve the homage of "reason" than that of blind-folded fear.
It's interesting to see how people take "God" and live their lives, but this topic is for another day to discuss.

Where was I? Ah yes, fear.

A couple of hundred years ago (I think?) Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. Here is the man who discovered electricity. It's funny how we don't really listen to what he had to say. I'm sure you've come across so many quotes and sayings about fear and the need to act now. The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We've all learnt these proverbs in school, heard various poets, philosophers, our grandparents, even hearing songs and movies about how we need to seize the day. We can't pretend that we haven't been told.

Still, I think some of us have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what they really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

I'd have to say that the reason why we put things off has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?

Yeah, I know that the person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. Yeah, but sometimes fear tends to paralyse me.

What am I afraid of? Loads of things. Fear of rejection, at least I used to be. But I managed to get around that one. I've spent a good deal of my life, drawing lines, creating boxes and building fences. Most of the time, people just can't get past them.
But ya know, at some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.
But there are others…if you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.
I've gotten rid of some of those lines, but I think I'm going to keep some of them on, you have to.
What else?
Fear of intimacy. Even speaking about intimacy is frightening to me, being frightened about this is even more frightening. For me, intimacy is another word for "Here's my heart and soul - please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy".
It's something I can't get past, is it better this way?

I'm afraid of imperfection, confrontation, being incomplete and being empty. And yet so many unknown fears, fears I either don't realise or am too afraid to even voice out.
I'm afraid of knowing too much about my parents' financial affairs (amongst other aspects), because it hurts to have to see them in such a light, you question the person/persons that they are. They're no longer the person you can turn to or look up to. Instead, the roles are reversed.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of how your life would be. Be it the white dress, prince charming who would carry you to a castle on a hill. It doesn't even have to be a fairy tale, maybe a dream of yours.
You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming.
Eventually, you grow up one day, open your eyes and your fairy tale or dream disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
I've always wondered if this is a right thing to do, to let a child believe in something that isn't true, or is never going to happen. Is it okay to let someone linger on in "fairy-land"?

Yet, At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.Isn’t that worth waiting and hoping for?

So which is which?

I'm not sure, but I hope to learn it along the way.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Dizzying Spin of the Head

Those were the days, when smiles were not forced and one was constantly surrounded by good friends and you knew something good was going on. I'm not saying some of those things aren't present now, somehow something's missing. We're all growing up, growing apart (not all, but some).
At times, meeting ups are nothing more than a really unreachable target.
But of course, I can't discount the fact that good friends are still in my life. Just perhaps they had to step down to a supporting role and sometimes to even a non-existent role because of the rigors and facts of life.

I understand completely. You can't expect someone to be there 24/7. I have to get used to the fact the sometimes, they'll have to zoom out of your life for a while.

So anyway! Updates.

My dad and my bro will be coming down end of next month. My mom, dad and Sabbie have finally received their PR and stuff. And of course for my dad's PR to be in effect, he has to be here (duh!). So he's quit his job and will be here for a few interviews.

We're moving forward, slowly. I'm not going to expect anything, I'll just take things as they come along. But hey, at least we're moving, even if it's only a bit.

I have been pretty laxed about my gym workouts, sigh, yes I have been lazy. I have to get back into it! I'm trying to learn how to make a really nice couscous salad with sundried tomatoes. Yum. We'll see how that turns out, it's my new obssession.
Oh! And I happen to catch BSB's new video "Just wanted you to know", boy are they hilarious, they're so silly! Yes, I have a soft spot for them, I can't help but smile whenever I think about them. Brian. Especially.
He was the "love of my life". *smiles*
He's such a sweetie.

So yep. That's all for today. I shall go and bug Sabbie for a nice massage. I'm having a terrible headache. As I remember correctly, a headache can disappear with the right kind of massage, from the right kind of person. I did enjoy that moment, even if it was short-lived and well.. a "dream" you could say.
But ya know what, I'm cool. I can safely say I'm completely over it.


P.S. I watched Dirty Dancing Havana Nights and I'm so inspired to learn latin ballroom! But, you kinda need a partner for that... sigh.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Whimsical mutterings

And if you see your soul mate fall from the grace of the world, would you have the courage and strength of love to give up all that you believe in and follow them into the unknown?

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Officially An Adult


I'm all "grown up" now. I turned 21 on the 23rd of August, a few days ago. It's not how I imagined it to be.

I remember planning for it, a couple of years back, maybe I'd hold a chalet, get together my close friends and have a fun night out, getting silly and high and just being happy. Or better, I'd have a surprise birthday party or something.
Sometimes, life does not turn out the way you plan it or hope for it to.

I woke up that day with a splash of icy cold water and sounds of my mom and Sabbie giggling and laughing away. It was crazy! My mom had wanted to throw a pail of water over me; she changed her mind (thank goodness!) seeing as how she didn't wanna wet my whole bed and stuff.
Anyway, it was a simple, quiet day. My mom had got me a diamond set (pendant and earrings), a really simple one; which I found out later she got on sale to my relief. I didn't really want her spending much on me.
I decided to be a good girl, and go to church for a while. Weird though, I didn't find the peace I was looking for. After that, I went window shopping and later met up with Sabbie (she went to school) and my mom for dinner. We had chocolate cake, but there was no blowing out candles. I found it pointless anyway and I didn't really feel like it.
I ended the day with a couple of rented movie dvds.

But what surprised (and disappointed) me most was that the people I wanted to call or email me, the friends whom I wanted to hear from most, weren't there. No call, no email, nothing.
That hurt.
It's sad because I'll always look back and remember this day.
Where were all of you, those of whom I was there for? Where? My work friends, those of whom promised to keep in touch, what happened to those promises? Funny thing, I had expected them to "disappear"... but I did not expect my closest friends to do so. It was even made worse when my mom and Sabbie asked about them. I had no reply for them.

Maybe this is how it's supposed to be from now onwards. Maybe birthdays aren't supposed to have any more meaning, to anyone else and maybe even to myself. Is this growing up?
Maybe growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think I knew it was time to let go of what might have been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come.
I think part of me died along with the night.

So here's to the new realm of adulthood. And through this journey, I promise myself I'll never forget to laugh, because I've learned you've only got yourself to depend on where your happiness is concerned.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Note to Self

Stop the mindless wishing that things would be different.
Rather than wasting time and emotional and spiritual energy in explaining why you don't have what you want, start to pursue other ways to get it!

Will you ever?

Thinking about Relationships

Few people listen.
Most assert the primacy of their own opinions. Few are willing to accept a pluralistic framework for the understanding of the world and of others. For most, it's either My Way or The Highway.
Very few are curious about other points of view or willing to see them as complentary to their own.
This is why relationships can sometimes be so problematic. Especially if you're dealing with an obnoxious and stubborn partner. A curious listener, man or woman, puts himself at a disadvantage; an invitation to be run over, or so it seems.

Still, I am a listener. And I sometimes wish she was. Maybe that's why her relationships with others seem to fail, most of the time. I'm not judging, just observing.

Anyway, I got to thinking about relationships the other day. Where do I even start?
You have those relationships that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and maybe even those that bring you back.
But you know, I think the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with "yourself". Where you show that side of you you never thought you could ever share. And if you can find someone to love the you that you love, don't you think that's fabulous?
In your life meet people, maybe even have brief relationships with them. Some, you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if THEY ever think about you. And they are of course, some whom you wish you never had to think about again. But you DO.
Do you ever get that?

Have you ever thought about how you used to be, how you're still that you or how you're miles opposite to that person that you were?
It's interesting how our attitudes towards relationships sublime as we grow older.

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?
So if there's no net to catch us, does this mean we stop leaping? Whatever happened to landing on our own two feet?

You know, I'm beginning to think that the relationships we have with the world is largely determined by the relationships we have with ourselves. Maybe we should work on ourselves first before beginning one with another human being.

When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.
Don't you think that's true? I believe it is. I think it's one of the many steps we have to undertake to ensure a rich and fulfilling relationship.

I think I need to believe that it works; love, couplehood, partnerships and of course marriages. The whole idea that when people come together, that they stay together. It doesn't matter if few of those happens, the fact that it does. I have to take that with me to bed, even if I have to go to bed alone.
Sure, I can always argue with myself and say if people can fall in love, what's the guarantee that we won't fall out of love?
I know, I know. It's whole big risk, there are no assurances and guarantees. But still. I think about it sometimes, I choose to believe it.
And yesterday, I saw proof with my own eyes, in church. A couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. They were so cute! And you could see the love they had for each other, still in their eyes.

Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? I buy them sometimes, I mean not that I think I would ever win, but I'd like to hold it in my hand and think : What if?
It's the same with love, I guess.

Seeing that it works, is maybe enough for me; though it brings a certain aching comfort to me.

The world is no longer a romantic place... some of it's people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win.


I just wrote a huge post and blogger ate it.

I'm pissed.

I'll rewrite it once I've had a nice steaming mug of hot chocolate with caramel. In case you're wondering, the brand's Nestle, go try it.


Friday, August 12, 2005


I've decided to create a few changes to my blog!
You would have noticed the new colour and more links for you to go through.

Stay tuned though, there's more goodies coming up...

P.S. *Pats own shoulder for much effort put into this new 'image'.
P.P.S. I respect all the web designers out there! It's no easy feat.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Pull navel to the spine and breaatthe!

Yes, my first pilates lesson in case you're wondering.

My first foray into this highly recommended exercise proved to be interesting, yet not as successful as I would have hoped.
I have a very weak back and at times I tend to suffer from lower back pain, hopefully this will be the cure to my "suffering".
It was a rather slow, soothing class with a lot of simple yet difficult floor exercises.
I dragged Sabbie with me to this small class, she wasn't too impressed with it but I'm going to continue it anyway. I might even try Yoga just to see how it is.

Till then, I shall constantly "breathe and control my pelvic floor".

P.S. Pure Emu Oil is an excellent remedy for aches and pains.