Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Music and Marriage

I find it sad that MTV really influences people and their choices for music. It's either some new teen pop or R&B Hip Hop tune. I have nothing against these two types of music (some of them have nice catchy tunes) but really, there's a whole lot of better, more meaningful music out there that people don't hear about.
It's mostly about image instead of the music.

Anyway, I came across this article "Truly Madly Guiltily" by Ayelet Waldman (click below if you're interested)

Wow.. it's an interesting perspective, I agree and disagree with on various counts (but mostly agree though) and I must say that I'm beginning to understand why certain marriages work and most don't.

Most women today concentrate so much on their children that they fail to include their husbands in their lives. The moment their first born-child comes into her life, most husbands feel that they have lost their spouse, their best friend so as to speak. Throughout the child's entire life, the mother who absolutely adores her child focuses all her energies on her child, giving him/her the things she never had.
In a weird way, sometimes I feel as though women tend to live their own life through the child. It's ridiculous really, especially if she wants the child to for example, take up piano lessons because she never had the opportunity to do so when she was young.
What scares me most, is the fact that there are dire consequences for this type of behaviour. Their marriage is on the rocks, everything falls apart and their beloved children grow up resenting their parents and wander around like lost souls.

Most women would argue saying, they love their children, and it is in focusing all their attention on them, that they are trying to do what's best for their children. But I think sometimes, less is more. If we do too much, children will forever be dependent on their mothers, they'll end up spoilt, feeling restricted and worse have an unstable family support.

I think what's more important is that they child grows up in a strong-knit family. The husband and the wife are the foundation to a secure, happy family. They should both be involved with their children.
No woman should ever "fall in love" with her kids. She should love them, oh god yes, but should always reserve that special love for her husband, and vice versa. I don't think people realise how important it is for children to know and see that their parents are in love with each other.

I wish I had that though.

Children will wish for a love like their parents. They will know that they deserve both to love and be loved like that and they should settle for nothing less than what they saw when they looked at both parents truly loving one another.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Brainy Time!

Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male

Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

Facing the Faceless Void

The past few days have been pretty standard. Here's how it goes..

11.30pm - 12.30pm > Wake up and shower
1.00pm> Lunch and watch Oprah
2.00pm> Go back to my room and laze around
4.00pm> Computer Gaming (Dota and Doom)
7.30pm> Watch TV
8.00pm> Dinner if hungry
9.00pm> Yes you guessed it, a classic mix of TV and computer games and movies
3.00am> Sleep

Isn't that exciting?
Heh. Yes... it's bumming has its effects, it's very addictive. I choose to bum for now.

I think depression comes gradually. It's not as sudden and explosive as people think it is. I'm much better now, but I think the feeling for "loneliness" will still remain. It's just how I deal with it.
But on a really positive note, this dark side of me helps me write poems and paint better. I guess every brilliant artist and writer, has a dark side to help them achieve greatness. Hmm.. interesting.

I'm sorry that this post is quite meaningless... there's no insightful discovery, something to think about stuff or new words that are being played with.
But it's still me. Until the next post. See ya.

"Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide" - Howie Day, Collide

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Ravings of Insomnia

I'm having trouble sleeping
You're jumping in my bed
Twisting in my head
Leave me

I'm having trouble breathing
You're sitting on my chest
I sure could use the rest
Leave me

Why is it always you and never me?
I've always cared too much about honesty
Why is it always you and never me?
I've never dared to let my feelings free

I'm having trouble sleeping
I'm thinking about what you said
About the tears that have been shed
Please leave me


I wonder what's wrong with me. When did I become such an emotional female? When I'm alone, am I supposed to just sit and cry? What happened to the tough girl I knew? Where is she?

The past few days have been really crazy for me. I find myself stoning away in my room. I feel so alone here, disconnected from everyone else. I'm tired, lonely, grumpy and sick. Yes, it does not help that I'm coughing away like some crazy maniac and relying so much on my inhaler. In my previous check-up with my doctor, she asked if I was under any stress, because that also might play a part in my asthma situation. And of course, I have to take care of myself, because there's no one here to do that for me.

Why would I be under any stress? I mean, besides the fact that everyone I need and want is in another country and my home is like a mental prison to me, there's no other pressure. Unless of course, you're forgeting about the emptiness and lonely gut-wrenching feeling inside me that haunts me every single waking moment, yeah there's pretty much nothing else.
I'm sick of trying so hard to keep myself occupied; say with cooking classes, books, tuition or work. I want to just sit and cry so hard till some of the pain I feel inside comes out. I want to break apart and just sit at home like my brother. I don't want to have to worry about everyone else, except my own mental health and physical health.
What's worse, is that my mom is in a bit of a financial snag. I just wish that she wasn't, but yeah but wishing for something like that changes absolutely nothing.

I find it so difficult to just get out of bed, I just want to sleep in for a few weeks, please just give me a break. And when I'm in bed, I don't want to replay those scenes over and over again, for goodness sake Sera, it's been a year already, why can't you just get a grip on yourself! You already have dreams at night, do you have to dwell on them in your waking moments?

I miss my sister. I wish she was here, I really do. I want to disturb her and talk to her, it's nothing like talking on the phone or online. I need her, even if she does not need me so badly right now. I want to call her "squishy" again and annoy her just for the fun of it. I really want her here with me, maybe she'd give me a hug and we can both lament together about our lives.
I miss my mom, as much as I hate the way she nags and how we don't really see eye to eye on many issues, she managed the house (and the two bums living here) really well. I don't know why, but in a way I'm missing her presence here.

I know that eventually I'll get some of the things I want, but yeah the eventually part seems to be postponing itself a lot. Tell me how to deal with 'the now part'. How do you get rid of this loneliness? Am I going to bleed to death, god I wish I never liked him, I wish I never cared. I wish I never had any relationship, maybe I wouldn't have to feel alone, I was perfectly fine before right?

I'm sick of trying to contain the tears, even as I'm typing. How do I deal?
For now, I'm just going to cry hard.

"Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Love Me All The Time Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Love You Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Pulled Me Out Of Time And Hung Me On A Line Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely GirlWho's In The Middle Of Something That She Doesn't Really Understand" - For Beck

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Chocolate philosophy

  • Giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets.
  • Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.
  • It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man.
  • Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good.
  • Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.
  • All I need is a little love now and then, but some chocolate will do for now.

Childhood memories Part 1

I remember my first poker game my dad taught me, a real long time ago. My brother was snickering away, unable to believe that I may be a potential threat to him. I lost the first few games; mainly because my brother kept picking on me and I was such an easy person to read. I gave away my cards just by the look in my eyes or my smile.

But I learnt quickly though, to win in russian poker, it's not really what cards you have but rather how you play them and the illusions you draw to confuse your opponent. You must know when to "attack" and when to "draw" back. The best poker player knows the art of deception.

Back then, winning was a big deal to us, because we played with money. So, everytime me and my brother wanted to win, we'd gang up against my dad to earn that few extra bucks and treat ourselves. It was fun really, because I'd play along and be in the shadows and sometimes come out to steal the kill. I would never be too aggressive because I was still a newbie and would not want my ass whooped. Plus, I wanted my dad to always be on my side. Hah!


Coming to think about it, my dad was always on my side. Always. He would rescue me and back me up whenever my brother tried to kick me out of the game. Or if he thought that my cards were good, he'd go all out to milk my mom and brother for all their worth just so that I'd have a good rich win; even if his cards were lousy. I remember my mom being so annoyed whenever she found his cards to be crap! My dad would always laugh and give me a huge wink.
So it was mostly me and my dad versus my mom and my brother.

My mom never really liked poker or gambling for that matter. She felt it was not a habit to pick up; didn't really want me or my brother to learn "deception" or become manipulative. So usually, she would only join in to support my brother (yes, she has a soft spot for him, though she would never admit) or to just even things out. A four-player game was better than three.

My brother was always the "silent bomb" type, he would never initiate confrontation until he is absolutely sure he'll win you. I've watched him play dota countless times and I've realised that he is a tough opponent, hard to read and very strategic. He plays his cards well, both defensive and aggressive. He'll attack you when you least expect it. He's a pro in chess, I guess that explains a lot.

My sister never really had the chance to play with us much, she was too young then. She's not too much of a gaming person, maybe because she never really had the chance or opportunity to. She missed out on quite a bit, when she was old enough to understand games, we never played anymore. Things were too messed up and haywired by then.

My dad was something else. Very manipulative, deceitful and hard to take down. In past family gatherings, my aunts and uncles would always try to win him. They would win occassionally, but never enough to brag about.
He is a strong ally; once he's on your side, he'll always rally round you. But dare his wrath, and he'll probably go out to get you.
I think generally, my dad has a good heart. It's just that sometimes he takes the wrong approach to get the things he wants. It does not matter how he gets it, just as long as he does and he does it with good intentions.
But I feel that's wrong.
You may have best intentions in the world, but going about the wrong methods does not make it right or good. I believe it's a mixture of the intention, the path and the consequence of an action that makes it acceptable.
And sometimes he thinks I'm still the little girl who does not know any better or does not see what he's doing. I see what you're doing so clearly, which is why we're at the standstill now. You're so scared of me being mad at you, that you're trying to play the good guy. You feel one way, but say out loud another. You're being manipulative again.
You know, I think hate is sometimes a result of wounded love. I was so close to my dad, to have seen what I have seen, hurt me so greatly that the only way I could cope with it then was to bury it under intense hate and anger. At that point, anger helped me survive, though it eroded part of my soul away.

As for me, I love gaming, all sorts. At first, you would think that it's all about winning to me (that's what Darren thought too; it hurt so much) but you couldn't be further away from the truth. I'm not so much of a bad loser, I usually come back and try a different strategy and improve myself. It's more about the whole thrill of the ride, winning or losing. I don't like being underestimated, if anything it inspires me to try to give you a thrashing.
I did that a lot at NTUC Income, whooping a guy team in soccer pool table, that was fun, and especially so when one "cocky" jerk expressed concerns on us crying after the game.

I would usually try to find your weak points and attack you there. And I will always be inspired to try to win you, but I hate it when people let me win, I would like to do it myself, even if it takes me forever or if I could only do it once.
I remember the chalet, where my euphoria of finally winning Beckie at Daytona was short-lived. I found out later that Darren had actually disrupted Beckie and she had let me win. So, in my book, that win was erased. It was disappointing, but I can understand why she did it though, she just wanted me to be happy for a while.
But it's okay. There's always next time, right?
What puts me off, is taunts and bragging. I don't particularly like the taunting part, it makes me feel small (now there's a huge difference to being small and feeling small) and I hate that.
Of course, Shu was there to help me in remembering to take pride in losing and goofing around, and not get so caught up with "bums of the world". She always manages to make me smile or laugh. She's the corny ponky clown.
She made me realise that night that the greatest hope for maintaining equilibrium in the face of any situation rests within ourselves really.

You know what? I've just had an epiphany... you can never really have everything and do everything at the same time. You should be content at what you have at the moment, because you later on, the roles would be reversed.

Are you lost by the way? I have so many subjects mentioned in just one blog entry; but I refuse to try and sort them out. You will always have little snippets of other information here and there. I don't think it's that confusing anyway.

I don't think we'll ever play again as family, which is sad though. I must remember, if I ever have a family of my own or become an aunt or godma, to always have games played together. It's so fun!! :)

Come play with me, I promise you, it'll be fun!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Subjective Talk

Note to Reader: This is a further discussion in relation to here: http://whiskers.squarespace.com/journal/2005/4/28/changing-things.html

I know that hope is merely wishful thinking. Actions are the course in which you can change a person, but only to a certain extent. I mean you can teach all you want to person, but if he or she is going to clam up or refuse to learn that lesson, then there's nothing much we can do right? No matter how much you advise someone or bang your head against wall while you're at it, it's ultimately down to the individual. In this way, I feel that we choose, direct and own your lives mostly. Outside factors play a part yes, but it's up to you isn't it?
Where have I been to if I've been reliving experiences? I've been everywhere, no matter how different I try things, whether it's being cautious, or being open and giving a fresh slate, being tough (i assumed that this strategy might work seeing how they might not mess with me), different approaches have been attempted yet more or less the same result (not all experiences are the same I agree.. but the bottom line is).

I know what I want to change, it's just changing it that's going to be difficult and would probably take a lot of time, because I would have to stamp down on that in-built reaction I've come to have. You know how when you've burnt yourself on a hot stove, and your bodily mechanisms screams a warning everytime you go near one or when you've accidentally pricked yourself while handling a needle during sewing, so everytime you sew, you fingers sweat a little out of tension and nervousness .. yeah, something like that.
Try chasing it away like a roach? Maybe. We'll see.

Yes and I'm beginning to see how manipulative we can really be. Especially us females. That's how the whole idea of women being smarter than men came about in the first place. This cleverness has got nothing to do with brains or degrees. It's the faculty she has of being able to guess ahead of the guy, this is usually knowing what he is thinking about before he even says it or being able to control his reactions to a small extent.
The very height of this cleverness is never having to tell the guy or her husband what to do, it is so "feminine" and to a certain extent manipulative.
For example, she suggests something she wants him to do, but does it in such a way that he thinks he thought of it first. Of course, the guy's native pride fills with pleasure thinking he is so brilliant but the clever woman smiles like the Mona Lisa, knowing she has him in the hollow of her hand - so as to speak. Meanwhile, the guy takes this smile as a compliment to himself.

I know I have been manipulative on a few occassions with my friends, mostly with the guys or ex-es. But like you said, we can choose to be very manipulative or less. For me, I guess I'll only be that way if the situation calls for it. I don't really like the whole manipulative idea. And I also know I can be manipulated, heh. But I guess it's the intention as well as the consequence that shows whether it's acceptable right? Not the act itself.

Speaking of guys, I may be wrong, but I'm beginning to see that people do treat others of a different race, differently, in a BGR context.
I may be wrong, but I am judging on how I am being treated by guys of my own race and guys of a different race. I'm not being racist here, I have no problems or qualms about my own race, I'm just making observations so bear with me.
I will not be specific as to pin-point which races, but I feel guys of a different race tend to be more gentle, accepting and well.. mature than my own. Or maybe it's just certain qualities that different races have? I know that your upbringing has a role to play in it though.
Maybe, it's one of the small tiny reasons why Beckie and David have survived for so long? Both different, yet accepting?
Shu's parents are of mixed races, mixed cultures but I do remember a few occassions where her mom expressed concerns on her involvement with only a certain race. She was protective over her own race. Does this mean she's racist? I don't think so, but maybe she has a preference? I'm not sure.
With Beckie, her whole family is a mixed "rojak". Different flavours all thrown into one dish, but you would never feel uncomfortable or see them to be of different colour but instead just different people.


Psychology is very subjective isn't it? I mean, you can go on and on about it; people can come along and input a different view or theory and there's never really a right or wrong answer. I don't think I could ever have this as a career. I mean, I love this whole analysis thing and it's so challenging and refreshing at times, but I feel think too much, I would not want to be doing it 24/7.
I like that I'm into Accounts and soon to be Law (but a minor only) for my professional career. When you encounter a complicated scenario, there may be a few ways to solve it, but it all boils down to the same concept. Once it's solved, it's over and done with and you move on to the next, if any. I'm glad I picked this career, I was always worried about making the wrong decision, it helps to manage the different sides and interests I have, it gives me leeway to pursue and delve into other areas without reckless abandonment and not having to deal with uncertainty.
I can have a stable career, support myself and yet be happy in my other hobbies or pursuits. It makes me feel complete, like a full circle.

The past few days have been a little rough on me. The "wild, free-spirit" side was making itself heard too much. Maybe it's my biological clock inside me that's having me crave and yearn the things I want so much, for so long. And that evil side had me jealous of my loved ones, just for a while though.
What comforts me most is the fact that I can call her at midnight and just talk about what I feel. She said it's just a matter of time. Yes it is.