Childhood memories Part 1

I remember my first poker game my dad taught me, a real long time ago. My brother was snickering away, unable to believe that I may be a potential threat to him. I lost the first few games; mainly because my brother kept picking on me and I was such an easy person to read. I gave away my cards just by the look in my eyes or my smile.

But I learnt quickly though, to win in russian poker, it's not really what cards you have but rather how you play them and the illusions you draw to confuse your opponent. You must know when to "attack" and when to "draw" back. The best poker player knows the art of deception.

Back then, winning was a big deal to us, because we played with money. So, everytime me and my brother wanted to win, we'd gang up against my dad to earn that few extra bucks and treat ourselves. It was fun really, because I'd play along and be in the shadows and sometimes come out to steal the kill. I would never be too aggressive because I was still a newbie and would not want my ass whooped. Plus, I wanted my dad to always be on my side. Hah!

Anyway.

Coming to think about it, my dad was always on my side. Always. He would rescue me and back me up whenever my brother tried to kick me out of the game. Or if he thought that my cards were good, he'd go all out to milk my mom and brother for all their worth just so that I'd have a good rich win; even if his cards were lousy. I remember my mom being so annoyed whenever she found his cards to be crap! My dad would always laugh and give me a huge wink.
So it was mostly me and my dad versus my mom and my brother.

My mom never really liked poker or gambling for that matter. She felt it was not a habit to pick up; didn't really want me or my brother to learn "deception" or become manipulative. So usually, she would only join in to support my brother (yes, she has a soft spot for him, though she would never admit) or to just even things out. A four-player game was better than three.

My brother was always the "silent bomb" type, he would never initiate confrontation until he is absolutely sure he'll win you. I've watched him play dota countless times and I've realised that he is a tough opponent, hard to read and very strategic. He plays his cards well, both defensive and aggressive. He'll attack you when you least expect it. He's a pro in chess, I guess that explains a lot.

My sister never really had the chance to play with us much, she was too young then. She's not too much of a gaming person, maybe because she never really had the chance or opportunity to. She missed out on quite a bit, when she was old enough to understand games, we never played anymore. Things were too messed up and haywired by then.

My dad was something else. Very manipulative, deceitful and hard to take down. In past family gatherings, my aunts and uncles would always try to win him. They would win occassionally, but never enough to brag about.
He is a strong ally; once he's on your side, he'll always rally round you. But dare his wrath, and he'll probably go out to get you.
I think generally, my dad has a good heart. It's just that sometimes he takes the wrong approach to get the things he wants. It does not matter how he gets it, just as long as he does and he does it with good intentions.
But I feel that's wrong.
You may have best intentions in the world, but going about the wrong methods does not make it right or good. I believe it's a mixture of the intention, the path and the consequence of an action that makes it acceptable.
And sometimes he thinks I'm still the little girl who does not know any better or does not see what he's doing. I see what you're doing so clearly, which is why we're at the standstill now. You're so scared of me being mad at you, that you're trying to play the good guy. You feel one way, but say out loud another. You're being manipulative again.
You know, I think hate is sometimes a result of wounded love. I was so close to my dad, to have seen what I have seen, hurt me so greatly that the only way I could cope with it then was to bury it under intense hate and anger. At that point, anger helped me survive, though it eroded part of my soul away.

As for me, I love gaming, all sorts. At first, you would think that it's all about winning to me (that's what Darren thought too; it hurt so much) but you couldn't be further away from the truth. I'm not so much of a bad loser, I usually come back and try a different strategy and improve myself. It's more about the whole thrill of the ride, winning or losing. I don't like being underestimated, if anything it inspires me to try to give you a thrashing.
I did that a lot at NTUC Income, whooping a guy team in soccer pool table, that was fun, and especially so when one "cocky" jerk expressed concerns on us crying after the game.

I would usually try to find your weak points and attack you there. And I will always be inspired to try to win you, but I hate it when people let me win, I would like to do it myself, even if it takes me forever or if I could only do it once.
I remember the chalet, where my euphoria of finally winning Beckie at Daytona was short-lived. I found out later that Darren had actually disrupted Beckie and she had let me win. So, in my book, that win was erased. It was disappointing, but I can understand why she did it though, she just wanted me to be happy for a while.
But it's okay. There's always next time, right?
What puts me off, is taunts and bragging. I don't particularly like the taunting part, it makes me feel small (now there's a huge difference to being small and feeling small) and I hate that.
Of course, Shu was there to help me in remembering to take pride in losing and goofing around, and not get so caught up with "bums of the world". She always manages to make me smile or laugh. She's the corny ponky clown.
She made me realise that night that the greatest hope for maintaining equilibrium in the face of any situation rests within ourselves really.

You know what? I've just had an epiphany... you can never really have everything and do everything at the same time. You should be content at what you have at the moment, because you later on, the roles would be reversed.

Are you lost by the way? I have so many subjects mentioned in just one blog entry; but I refuse to try and sort them out. You will always have little snippets of other information here and there. I don't think it's that confusing anyway.

I don't think we'll ever play again as family, which is sad though. I must remember, if I ever have a family of my own or become an aunt or godma, to always have games played together. It's so fun!! :)

Come play with me, I promise you, it'll be fun!