Sunday, May 22, 2005

Fallen

I wonder what's wrong with me. When did I become such an emotional female? When I'm alone, am I supposed to just sit and cry? What happened to the tough girl I knew? Where is she?

The past few days have been really crazy for me. I find myself stoning away in my room. I feel so alone here, disconnected from everyone else. I'm tired, lonely, grumpy and sick. Yes, it does not help that I'm coughing away like some crazy maniac and relying so much on my inhaler. In my previous check-up with my doctor, she asked if I was under any stress, because that also might play a part in my asthma situation. And of course, I have to take care of myself, because there's no one here to do that for me.

Why would I be under any stress? I mean, besides the fact that everyone I need and want is in another country and my home is like a mental prison to me, there's no other pressure. Unless of course, you're forgeting about the emptiness and lonely gut-wrenching feeling inside me that haunts me every single waking moment, yeah there's pretty much nothing else.
I'm sick of trying so hard to keep myself occupied; say with cooking classes, books, tuition or work. I want to just sit and cry so hard till some of the pain I feel inside comes out. I want to break apart and just sit at home like my brother. I don't want to have to worry about everyone else, except my own mental health and physical health.
What's worse, is that my mom is in a bit of a financial snag. I just wish that she wasn't, but yeah but wishing for something like that changes absolutely nothing.

I find it so difficult to just get out of bed, I just want to sleep in for a few weeks, please just give me a break. And when I'm in bed, I don't want to replay those scenes over and over again, for goodness sake Sera, it's been a year already, why can't you just get a grip on yourself! You already have dreams at night, do you have to dwell on them in your waking moments?

I miss my sister. I wish she was here, I really do. I want to disturb her and talk to her, it's nothing like talking on the phone or online. I need her, even if she does not need me so badly right now. I want to call her "squishy" again and annoy her just for the fun of it. I really want her here with me, maybe she'd give me a hug and we can both lament together about our lives.
I miss my mom, as much as I hate the way she nags and how we don't really see eye to eye on many issues, she managed the house (and the two bums living here) really well. I don't know why, but in a way I'm missing her presence here.

I know that eventually I'll get some of the things I want, but yeah the eventually part seems to be postponing itself a lot. Tell me how to deal with 'the now part'. How do you get rid of this loneliness? Am I going to bleed to death, god I wish I never liked him, I wish I never cared. I wish I never had any relationship, maybe I wouldn't have to feel alone, I was perfectly fine before right?

I'm sick of trying to contain the tears, even as I'm typing. How do I deal?
For now, I'm just going to cry hard.

"Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Love Me All The Time Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Love You Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Pulled Me Out Of Time And Hung Me On A Line Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely GirlWho's In The Middle Of Something That She Doesn't Really Understand" - For Beck

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

u noe wat u nd? u nd smth to let yer anger out..like me..i use dance as a way to get rid of the emptiness, anger, loneliness, grief, etc. so maybe u shud find smth u cant stop liking and where u can..escape. and realli..ur life doesnt evolve arnd him anymore..u saw the way he treated me..use tt as fuel to 4get him..after all u said tt any guy hu doesnt treat yer sis rite u wun like them..oh thx a lot..u wanna call me squishy.. x-(.. u miss her???????? wat in da world?? u haf no idea how much i'ld love to trade positions..urgh..

Anonymous said...

You and me we had a opportunity
And we could make it something really cool
But you, you think im not the kind of girl
I’m hear to tell ya baby I know how to rock your world

Don’t think that I am that strong
I’m the one to take you on
Don’t under estimate me
Boy ill make you sorry you were born

You don’t know me the way you really should
You’re sure misunderstood
Don’t call me baby

You got to know that that will never do
You know I don’t belong to you
Its time you knew im not your baby
I belong to me
So don’t call me baby

Behind my smile is my IQ
I must admit this does not sit with the likes of you
You’re really sweet mmm you’re really nice
But didn’t mama ever tell ya not to play with fire

Don’t think that I am that strong
I’m the one to take you on
Don’t under estimate me
Boy ill make you sorry you were born

You don’t know me the way you really should
You’re sure misunderstood
Don’t call me baby

You got to know that that will never do
You know I don’t belong to you
It’s time you knew im not your baby
I belong to me
So don’t call me baby

You and me we had a opportunity
And we could make it something really cool
But you, you think im not the kind of girl
I’m hear to tell ya baby I know how to rock your world

Don’t think that I am that strong
I’m the one to take you on
Don’t under estimate me
Boy ill make you sorry you were born

You don’t know me the way you really should
You’re sure misunderstood
Don’t call me baby

You got to know that that will never do
You know I don’t belong to you
It’s time you knew im not your baby
I belong to me
So don’t call me baby

You got to know that that will never do
You know I don’t belong to you
It’s time you knew im not your baby
I belong to me
So don’t call me baby



haha..i was listening to tt juz now and u shud try and relate to this song..i looove it..use this to "fire" it back to him..i mean..arent u fire? the burning one? *sulks* its time u regained tt flame..

Anonymous said...

I love you too. Both you and Shuls. It's good to know, I'm not the only one in this boat, waaay out at sea. Even the strong and bold must have their moment of weakness. And that's all this is. A moment. It doesn't define us. It just makes us human.

Anonymous said...

Exactly right Beck! And Sabbie (wolf?) you're very kick-ass in a girl power type of way! You remind me of when we used to sing Stop and Who Do You Think You Are! Haha! Way to go!
For some reason the tagboard won't allow me to comment, so I just thought I'd say hi here and say that when I think about how far we've come together, still staying in contact, it amazes me that this is still possible. Admittedly, the internet makes it a lot easier, but at the heart of it all, it's love and will that allows people to remain together and I just want to thank the two of you for the wonderful gift of sharing your lives with me thus far.
And for Sera, know that you will never be alone even if I can't be with you physically...but you probably already know that ;)

Uryale said...

Hey.. thanks everyone for your comments...
It was just a down side i was experiencing..

I'm back in the game babies!