Rebirth

A week has gone by and I'm slowly adjusting to this new life that I'm living. I'm afraid of liking it here, afraid that I'm going to lose what I've become to love.

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
So which is it for me?
I'm afraid to hope, because everytime I do, something goes wrong or a door is slammed in my face. Yet I can't bear the thought of having to return back to Singapore.
There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.

Each week, I plan out the options I have here. I've applied to several jobs and have been through a couple of interviews, most of them are quite impressed with my resume, but are unwillingly to go through the tedious process of sponsoring me a working visa. It's so difficult to keep trying and being rejected or having to start all over again.
I figured the best thing for me to do now, is to get a job and save for my education, but even that is proving to be difficult. I'm going to find out the exact fees for my education and payment schedules that I may be able to undertake. The way I see it, if I have a student visa, I would still be able to work 20 hours a week. At least it's something. We'll see what happens.

"Heart don’t fail me now, courage don’t desert me, don’t turn back now that we’re here
People always say, life is full of choices, no one ever mentions fear or how our world can seem so long, how the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through, heart I’m trusting you, on this journey to the past
Somewhere down this road, I know someone’s waiting, years of dreams just can’t be wrong."

Anyway, on a lighter note, the churches here are beautiful. There's some old feeling here, that I can't seem to place my finger upon. What I appreciate most is that the people here are really friendly and warm, it's so cool! Some are too friendly and "interested" though, heh. During mass, there was this guy, probably lates 20s, who kept turning around and glancing at me, as seen seriously!
Sabbie was pretty annoyed at the number of times he did that. But you know what's the most ironic? My mom, who has spent a considerable amount of time "watching" me and making sure I don't get involved with "pariahs" and "scrubs", did not notice what was happening right infront of her eyes. It was quite interesting.

And speaking of "pariahs" and "scrubs", I've decided that I probably wouldn't get involved with anyone who's not financially stable. I would want someone who's either on par with me or higher. Am I snobbish? Maybe, but don't get me wrong. I believe in the whole "unconditional love" but I feel that you sometimes have to be practical about things, there are parts that have to be kept logical, or you're going to hurt yourself or be miserable.
I control my destiny and my future. I might not have control over the paths I have to choose from, but I still have that choice, whether to go through with it or not. And that's the way I'm going to have it.

I'm glad I took the opportunity to get to know him. Whilst before I was blinded by infatuation, now I see things so clearly. I still like him, but honestly I don't think we could tolerate each other if things had gone further. We're just don't see eye to eye on some important issues and he can be such an immature bum at times! I know now, that I would have been unhappy and agitated. At least with the person that he is now.

This shell, this body that looks like you, sounds like you, walks like you, is not you, could never be you.
When did you die?You just disappeared one day. You were sweet once. You told me jokes and made me laugh. And you said I was wonderful, and you touched me so tenderly,and you were afraid to hurt me.
But then you died. And IT came, this monster, your replacement. It pretened not to see or hear me. And it hurt me like you never could. But you were dead,so i too died inside. Oh, i tried to keep going, pretended not to care about the words of the one who claimed to be you. And I laughed to forget the pain.

Anyway, my gym sessions have been pretty good, quite intense. I joined a Fat Burner class and boy do you burn after the class. It's good though, I remember a time when I was flexible and fit. I know I have neglected myself and I am going get that back. Lee hasn't been around since the last I saw him, heh, but I'm not too bothered about it. There's always others. *grins*

May I take some time to say that the writer is currently undergoing a small hormones upsurge and that is probably why she appears on "overdrive". Thank you.