This really got me laughing

Cat Resolutions


My human will never let me eat his pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of theaquarium.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs and thencome home and throw them up so the humans can see thatI’m getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fallin, and then pelt right for the box of clumping catlitter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of myfur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice forlate-night snacks.

We will not play “Herd of Thundering WildebeestsStampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti” overany human’s bed while she’s trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birdsoutside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of thehouse. It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when he is on the family room floor trying to do sit-ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare downthe hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my “kill.”

I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle ofthe night and stare until he wakes up.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

If I must claw my human, I will not do it in such away that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toymouse is much more socially acceptable than a big livebug, even if it isn’t as tasty.