Friday, April 29, 2005

Shots and Shorts

The purpose of reaction is simply to "react", you don't stop to think or explain anything. You just do it (no pun intended for the Nike advertisment). The consequence? Confusion to your friends and Embarrassment to yourself to a certain degree; that's what happens when you run around in your mini shorts and a turtle t-shirt which screams "My door is always open, so feel free to leave", as in literally, without so much as an explanation.

My grandma is better. But it's so hard to watch her slipping away slowly. You just want to scream, but I can't even do that (not until I'm alone). I'm the only one here who can handle things, without going berserk so I have to remain this way. We can't all fall apart at the same time. It's been like this ever since that day. The day when I had to take charge, because everyone around me could not. It should not have been that way though, children should not have to see their parents quarrel or fight or worse, get dragged into it. I had to spend my childhood cleaning up the mess my parents made. It's not fair, but it's the way it is. (If I ever get married, I'll make a mental note not to do that though)
I'm sick, but wishing and hoping that some people were not the way they are, isn't going to change anything. Now, I'm not grateful; I appreciate the fact that my parents have put a roof over my head, clothed, fed and educated me. But it stops there.

I hate that she finds it amusing and asks "So, did you cook for your family today or do your grocery shopping?" What the hell do you know about me? I doubt that you'd be able to do half the things I have, is that why you just sit around doing nothing and being nothing? You should be ashamed of yourself, I've lived so many lives and I'm not even 21. What can you say about yourself?

Speaking of 21, I can't wait for my 21st birthday! I doubt I'll be doing anything special or there'll be any big difference to my life... seeing as how I'll be away from everyone I would want to be with but yeah it's something I've been looking forward to. (which is weird isn't it? Why do I look forward to something which wouldn't make much difference in my life?)

Oh, did I tell you? I'm going to go for this Thai cooking course where the speciality is the Red Ruby and Pandan Wrapped Chicken.. sounds good huh? I would like to cook for my friends someday.. :)
Till then, I'm still here.

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Heaven holds a sense of wonder And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up when the flame in me subsides

Passion chokes the flower Till she cries no more Possessing all the energy Yet hungry still for more each hour

Cause I've relied on my illusions To keep me warm at night But I am denied in my capacity to love visions I am willing to give up this fight
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3 comments:

Uryale said...

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Anonymous said...

Most emotions can be controlled and for the ones you can't they're pretty intense and usually sporadic (thus they hold a certain charm and relief). And if you're intensely feeling everything, then you've got other problems to worry about.

Also, I know as a friend I should just shut up and listen, not try to fix your problems. But seriously, if you're so tired of being the problem solver (or the go-to gal), then you've got two choices: stop solving their problems or solve the problem but make it seem like it wasn't you. There is no point in making others happy if it's only going to make you miserable. I'm sure that's not their intention either.

Uryale said...

Yes, but I'd rather not control all my emotions, did that for a while and I ended feeling trapped. You should always let out some of them, gives you a sense of relief sometimes.

No, as a friend you have a right to tell me what's on your mind, if I ever just need my space or need to "shut up and listen" I'd tell you (gently I hope). And if I do happen to push you away for a while, it's nothing personal.
I wouldn't want to take everything out on you, although sometimes I know I do when I fall, but yeah you understand right?

How can you say no to family? How can you not solve problems when everyone else is depending on you, and if you decide not to, the innocent or weak ones suffer?