Sunday, March 01, 2009

Home again?

I prayed as I walked into church today. I prayed and I felt a measure of calm wash over me - something that almost always happen whenever I'm there. There were no visions, no angels singing, none of that dramatic spiritual epiphanies. Just a feeling of peace. Something tight and hard in myself dissolved away and I took it as a good sign that I'm not completely condemned.
That maybe I might have a chance against the long road ahead.

But a part of me was skeptical. God doesn't always save someone. Often just helps you live through the loss (although you really don't feel like that when you're grieving).
I guess I don't entirely trust God. I never doubt Him or His existence, but his motives are just too beyond me. Through a thick dark glass.

And for once, at least in regards to that incident, I'd like to see through the damn glass clearly.

But despite all my doubts and annoyance, I really do miss going to church.
I just felt much too tainted to be there for a time.

Maybe I'm feeling less tainted. Maybe?
Or maybe I've just cracked and I'm back to hoping and praying.

6 comments:

paws said...

I'm not sure if God ever saves a person....rather that he gives them the opportunity to be saved and the rest is mostly up to the person.

Have you heard the story about the drowning man and the three boats?

Uryale said...

*shrugs* Not always though.

That story sounds familiar.. I might have heard it.

Girl said...

Oh I remember that story... about the boats that come and the man who refuses them, waiting for god to save him... and he finally drowns... asks god where god was during all this time and god says "Who do you think sent the boats?" or something to that effect? (sorry Beck, did I steal your thunder? I think you'd have told it much better)

Sometimes just feeling at peace is a good enough start, maybe.

paws said...

Yeah that's the story. You told it just fine, babe.

I agree that the opportunities don't always come knocking but I meant that if and when they do, people don't always get a "Touch by an Angel" moment and therefore, for the lack of a better metaphor, they miss the boat.

Girl said...

Ahahaah! Touched by an angel! MUAHAHA! Sorry... just remembering the very funny way they suddenly glow golden like a toaster...

OMG. The word verification today is "pregg".... do you think I could be... I mean... UM.....

paws said...

don't you believe in signs, Girl?