Do it to me one more time..

What's worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago but never really did?
Maybe old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome (at least tried to). They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we would like to think right?
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT IS, IS IT?
Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

I look at my previous post and I wonder.. I'm amazed at how much a single month can change you completely. From sweet kisses and delirium to awkward limbo to psychics to ovarian cysts to emails that crush you to madcap online dating to the final most painful of all, history repeating itself, an attack.

All you can think about right now is WHY? God damnit, why me? Why again? Does God or fate or whoever really enjoy cutting me up over and over?

And so now I'm moving in slow motion - and everything around me is just moving so fast and you want to go back to when things were well.. not quite normal but not like this. But I can't and I'm stuck. And there's all this pressure (from police to aunt to mother to brother to sister), hovering around waiting for me to do something. Sab's waiting for me to be angry - to be fiery. Dom's waiting for me to start studying and preparing for exams. Aunt's waiting for me to be strong and fight. Mother's waiting for me to show that I'm a tough cookie - to go back to work and to stop staring at the wall, to snap out of it. Bryan's waiting to get back with me. Everyone's waiting. Everyone's got their own agenda. And I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever I'm supposed to be doing if it makes everyone feel more comfortable.

But I can't be this person. I don't even know who this person is. And you just wish you could bleed just to know if that old you is somewhere in this shell.

Second First Impression

Just when it seems like the whole world has been so cruel and mean and has reduced me to ashes.. it restores me and like a phoenix I rise. Again.

I'm on fire and I'm me. I'm slowly breathing again. Stopped slicing, stopped starving (well a little), stopped frantic reading (for the moment), stopped bludging, stopped procrastinating.
I was still for a long time.
And now I breathe again. Fresh air.

But I'm far from being okay. It'll take a while, a long time in fact. I know - but really I'm smiling again. For the silliest of reasons.

I met someone. We collided. And it's left me wanting more. So much more. He treats me like how I've always dreamed of. Casual and posh at the same time. Passionate and Gentle. Goofy and mature. Wow.
Life really is a surprise. Just when you're swearing at it - and cursing every single male on the planet, it throws a nice decent sweet hunky guy at you just so that you can swallow your own words and take back what you said.

He was right infront of me and I never really noticed him. And never really noticed him noticing me. How blind was I?

P.S. I just can't stop kissing him.

Spiralling Down Down Down...

So it's been a really rough month. Probably the worst month I've had this year.

I didn't realise it, but I've been directing so much anger towards the people that matter most. And especially at JM. I lashed out at him so much on Wednesday and now I feel terribly guilty. I know I'm wrong. Maybe some sense has been knocked into my head (at long last) and I want to make things right. I lost track of my goals and I started seeing things that were never really there.
In my only defense.. I can only say this. I never really wanted to hurt anyone. It was never my intention. At least consiously.

So I'm now clawing my way back up.

Please forgive me JM. I never meant to direct so much anger at you, not only on Wednesday but on all other occasions.
So now I'm back with a vengence. Ready to tackle this. Ready for Round 2. Ready as I'll ever be. I'm back - if you'll still have me.