Friday, June 24, 2005

Ghosts and memories of the past


I've been meeting up with my friends, one by one. It's not easy to say goodbye. As in real goodbye, not good luck, I'll see you soon.

I know I probably won't see them again. These are the sort of friends who'll be with you, as long as you're physically with you. It's harsh, but yeah I saw it coming.

I told my Kishen and his dad that I would be stopping my tuition by July. I hated the look in Kishen's eyes, shock and then utter disappointment.
I feel a little guilty, and I can't help but feel like I'm abandoning him a little. But in reality, he has improved so much that I don't think he needs me anymore. We've actually completed all the questions in his textbook as well as his assessment book! I know he's going to do well. It's just a matter of self-confidence and being less careless.
I'm going to get someone to replace me, to coach and support him till October. Sigh.

I'm not sure if I should meet with Don. I can feel that both of us are quite nervous about it, wondering if it's the right thing to do. I would really like to, but I'm beginning to feel that perhaps it's best if I just leave things the way they are.
It's easy to mistake familiarity with "falling-in-love again". I'm not running away, I just think it's best if we don't meet. I'm not shutting the door to our friendship, it'll always be there. But you've got to make the effort as well.
If anything, I should thank you because you've helped carve the person that I am today. Just a little bit. And I'm very proud of her.

Can I just break this momentum and say that I bought a lovely red rose? Yeah.. I bought some flowers for the vase on my altar and this one is so special. Her name's Lady, she's just so elegant and well perfect. Anyway, I've realised that I'd prefer to grow things rather than just buy the "ready-made" one. There's some satisfaction in watering her and watching her slowly blossom. Really. Maybe I'd have a rose garden in my future house.

Maybe I'm just eccentric.

I'm also very nervous about going to Sydney and staying there with my mom and Sabrina. I've changed, grown in a quite a number of ways while they were gone. I've had my own space and I've really become an individual and I wouldn't want things to go back to the way they were before. They way she's always treating me like a kid and keeping me mentally and physically caged up. I don't think she'll recognise me, not that she even knew me to begin with.

On a happier note, my best friend's in town and I can't wait to see her! I always feel comfortable when I'm with her. I could be in any mood, be it grumpy, quiet, replete, happy or just plain crazy, it's so effortless to be it around her. It's weird, she doesn't have to say anything and I'd still feel comforted and well.. soothed.

Anyway, this one is for you babe. See you soon.


Silence falls into the night
Streets with a fading light
Sound of crowds has come to cease
Teases my soul at ease

Cities have gone to sleep
I hear the voice turn deep
Speak softly into my mind
Simple words straight in line


Show me that I’d never find
Someone you've left behind

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